Is It Well With My Soul? Peeling The Layers

      

 This morning as I was praying with my best friend, I had asked God to show me what it meant to be at a place where it was “well with my soul”.  He's been telling me to keep focused, my eyes on Him, like in Psalm 121.  When I opened my eyes, I looked across my room to see a plaque I’ve had for a few years staring me in the face.  It literally said “It is well with my soul”, and I lost it. I’ve seen that plaque a million times, to the point of where I hadn’t noticed it in months. That morning the Lord had laid that phrase on my heart in the early morning hours. I remember telling my best friend that I didn’t know how to “get” to that place. The place where I can say  “it is well with my soul”, because so much of my life does not feel “well with my soul”.   I begged God to show me how to do that. To show me what He was trying to teach me, to teach us in that moment. 

Later in the morning I began the continued work of projects on the house trying to get it ready for market. I got to a place where I finished painting and then began to rip up carpet. I had not planned to do it that day but decided to just check to see what was underneath for future reference as I knew I would pull it up eventually. I found beautiful hardwoods underneath. I immediately started trying to cut it up and pull up the layers. It was stuck down good and not an easy task. I pulled and cut and ripped. I grunted and pried  up the million strips, nails, staples, padding etc… During that time I found myself walking through full range of different emotions. I felt the anger of abandonment on several levels, forced to deal with these projects alone. I felt enraged at allowing myself to be robbed of self worth. Infuriated that Id forgotten who I am in Christ as I was treated to believe my contribution didn’t matter or wasn’t enough. That I believed I wasn’t worth being treated as a priority. With each pull and tear of layer, each nail, each staple, I felt myself release things Id been holding on to, both verbally and emotionally and spiritually. I would work on an area at a time, and then clean it. I did this until nearly the entire room was clear. I then took time to polish parts of the floor. When it was done I stood in peace and in awe at what God had led me to do and its beautiful transformation. By the end, I was both exhausted physically and emotionally, but felt a sense of freedom, inner strength, and peace I had not felt in some time. I had watched God give me an example of what He was doing, both literally and figuratively. I had watched the layers be peeled away. I had watched things that had been stuck down tight be released and removed, smoothed out and then polished.  Im still learning  and asking God to reveal to me what it means to claim “it is well”.  
This morning, He woke me and reminded me to walk in His “bold confidence” as He continues to peel away layers and refine me and remind me my foundation in Him is strong. I pray with each layer I can recognize how He not only calls me deeper but also higher with each breath as my soul heals. 
I pray today, as you read this, that as the refining and peeling away of layers in your own life in this unpredictable world. I pray that you will hear the peace He whispers to you as He carries you both deeper and higher. I pray you recognize the place that “it is well with your soul”, only possible with He alone as your foundation.  
Psalm 46: 1-3
God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way 
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging

All Things New

     As I sit at my kitchen table this is the view that caught my eye. Fall is tied as my second favorite season with Spring, following summer in the lead. I admit I get awe struck when the leaves begin to change and the artistic beauty God gives us to behold. The words in my head immediately were a verse from 2 Corinthians ….”old things are passed away, behold all things become new”.

The color change we see in leaves means they will soon be passed away in preparation for the new to come. It doesn’t happen right away, it takes time. As I look at my life right now it simply feels like I have dealt with more loss of people and things than one should in my 52 years. If you know me well, you already know my story, but this isn’t a boo hoo moment, and not really about me. I could choose to focus my life on the loss or what has fallen away in my life, but Id rather focus on the growth. Id rather focus on the healing, I’d rather focus on Gods provision and promises, that He is still batting 1000 on in my life. It may look different than Id  ever imagined  but He’s done all He said He would do in His timing and not mine. 

I took communion at my kitchen table this morning even before the sun rose because I wanted to be reminded and thank God for His sacrifice so that I could live a life of freedom in Him. That doesn’t mean its without pain but it means no matter what circumstances occur, He’s got me.  

The scenery we see happen before us  this Fall, is a visual of His promise to make all things new.  We may grieve the old things…whatever that looks like for you. Its normal to grieve, and you should. In some ways you will always grieve in some way regardless of time or distance. New things however, are coming. He knows our deepest desires. He knows the plans He has for you. Plans are for a hope and future. In order to move forward we must make peace with our yesterdays. You don’t have to like what occurred but we have to make peace with it, otherwise we will never recognize the New He speaks of. when He decides to reveal it. 

As seasons change in your life or as leaves fall away, thank Him in advance for the NEW thats coming, the NEW that is promised. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that it could. ❤️ Blessings. 

   Wrote a song about it years ago that Ive recently been reminded of called “You Make All Things New”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_2_Ot0pG-E&feature=share&si=ELPmzJkDCLju2KnD5oyZMQ

 

To Be Present with His Presence

 

     As a teacher and in my position, I get paid to think ahead. I get paid to plan, to think ahead for those things that could go wrong, to head off problems, to be strategic in managing my staff and students for the best possible educational outcome.  In my job it works and is beneficial. In life, however, the reality is that we cant fully do that because no one knows what tomorrow brings. There is an uncertainty. We can buy insurance, invest in retirement, plan our savings etc… but it still doesn’t solidify the future. Planning isnt a bad thing, we should all be prepared. However, when our mindset is so much on planning, preventing, analyzing the future or whats to come, we can miss what is in the present. We miss whats right in front of us. Fear is really good at stealing the present. Fear will destroy, distort and discourage you.  Fear will destroy your present moment, distort the rationale of your future, discourage you and attempt to steal your joy and hope. Fear is also direct disobedience to what God says, because He says not to fear. 

Over the last several months especially, Ive worked very hard at being especially mindful of my thoughts of the present. Trying to stop those moments, those spiraling thoughts, that tempt to press my brain ahead to worrying about the future and consume me. When that happens, I miss moments right in front of me with people I love. Some of them read me well enough to assist me in stopping those thoughts in their tracks when they see it happening. It’s usually a distant look I get on my face and they will say “where are you?” Or “where did you go?”

Im a nature girl. Its one of my favorite places to be. I love, especially, being out on the water. Gods creation is always somewhere I know I can stop and focus on the present. The sound of the paddle hitting the water, birds chirping, the waves crashing. The breaking of a branch, the sound and smell of a crackling fire, and the way the fire dances across the wood. The sound of laughter, a smirk, a smile, or glance , the sound of voices of those I love. Being present is a gift to yourself and those you love. 

Thinking ahead is not a bad thing unless your thoughts are soaked in fear and it suffocates you from being present. Fear is self absorption. Fear keeps you from seeing past your own kingdom walls to the good things He has provided for you presently. Being present means you trust Him to hold the future even when it doesn’t make sense or looks different than you ever imagined.  Being present means bringing down the walls, even if temporarily, to engage in His blessings and His purpose. 

Being present also means being vulnerable because it means exposing your heart and it feels risky. God has still ordered your steps just like he did Peters when he stepped out of the boat. You may not want to step out of the boat and be present, but Jesus already knows you, your thoughts, how your brain works. He knows how you will overthink and second guess everything. I am so incredibly guilty of this. He is still there though, waiting with extended hand. Seek Him first. (Matthew 6:33) You may sink enough to feel the water tickle your nose hairs, but the waters wont sweep over you. (Isaiah 43:2)

Keep your eyes on Him, stay focused, keep taking steps. As my best friend and I often remind one another, “we ARE gonna get to the other side” but won’t you want to be present when you get there?! Yes and Amen. 

"There are

only two days in the year that

nothing can be done. One is

called yesterday and the other is

called tomorrow, so today is

the right day to love, believe,

do and mostly live."

Standing Alone

      Hiking along a trail last weekend in the woods, I was intrigued by a lone evergreen  in the middle of the forest of other trees. I swear I had not seen another one like it the entire hike. There it was, just standing alone of its kind, like a neon sign.  I felt a smirk come across my face and my best friend immediately picked up on it and inquired…”you’re gonna write about it aren’t you? “  I said “Im not sure but definitely wanna take a pic and let it marinate a bit.” He quickly obliged me and took one for me. I  knew I would write at some point, just had no idea what exactly, as I always wait for God to lead. 

     Have you ever stood alone? It can look a lot of different ways. Have you ever had to stand for yourself, with someone, or for something? Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? Where you are surrounded by amazing people but still feel like you are alone. Its not because of lack of effort, it’s because the things happening in your head and heart feel so contrast to what anyone around you may comprehend. You may be standing alone because you know its right simply from an integrity stand point. It doesn’t mean you don’t love, its simply means you will not allow yourself or others to be left vulnerable, used, scapegoated, disrespected…etc…whatever fits a plethora of situations. 

Maybe in your situation you were forced to stand alone. In that standing you felt the emptiness of space, the deafening silence that echos into the eardrums of your souls core.  The excruciating pain of abandonment,  rejection, or discovering that instead of ever being a priority to someone you were simply an option. You then had to make a decision to  either allow the weight of it to fold you into mental depletion, or to fight to stand and remember who you were created to be, and to learn and heal. 

There are so many scenarios of “standing alone”. It can look a lot of different ways. Whether it be a situation you chose  or didn’t, there is always something to be learned, and growth that can occur from it. 

     A long time friend commented to me a couple weeks ago after a brief exchange, “Our God is sometimes the only raft left to hang on to, as it should be”. 

Jesus stood alone many times. 

Do you remember early in Jesus’ ministry when he and his new disciples were in Capernaum? He had just endeared himself to Peter by healing the fisherman’s mother-in-law. The sick and demon possessed were being set free. The book of Mark says that “the whole town gathered at the door.” By all accounts, it was a great night.

Early the next morning, Jesus snuck out to pray alone. Reading into his motives a bit, I think he understood the temptation to go with the crowd. So he pulled away for perspective. To have a conversation with the Father. 

His solitude was cut short by Peter and his friends exclaiming, essentially, “What the heck are you doing? Everyone is looking for you! You should get back and keep doing miracles like yesterday!”

But Jesus made a different decision. That time alone gave him discernment and courage to stand alone, even from his closest friends. He risked being misunderstood to choose what was right and best.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

     In the various forms of standing alone we can easily feel unseen. We quickly notice the ones who are no longer around. Those we no longer hear from. Its possible that the “scenery” has changed as seasons do, but its doesn’t mean we are fully alone. This evergreen is alone of its kind but surrounded by various other, striving to grow , trees who are also trying to live and grow and thrive.  Sometimes we focus so much on who we think isn’t standing with us that we miss the treasure of the ones right in front of us who are. Sometimes the forest feels so thick, that as the old saying goes….. we “can’t see the forest for the trees”. 

We also need to remember the truth is that God sees us. He knows your every thought, every tear, every beat of your heart.  In Him you are never alone. 

Standing, in and of itself, is hard but when it feels combined with “alone” it can be excruciating. I imagine and cringe at Jesus crucifixion and the agony of being separated from the Father. Place yourself there for a minute. Wow. 

Whatever your season, let me challenge you to take a good hard look at your forest surrounding you. Although your circumstance may be different than anyone you know, and nobody can fully understand exactly how you feel, there are still those God has strategically placed and kept in your life for such a time as this.  You may feel like the only one of your kind but that doest mean your root system isn’t being supported by those around you (do a study on how tree systems support one another). We simply need to look below the surface to see it more clearly. The people who truly love you, you will not only know them by their fruits, but also their roots. 

I have “Be Still -Exodus 14:14” tattooed on my left wrist and “Breathe- Exodus 33:14” tattooed on my right forearm. Both tattoos mean something deeply to me because its my reminder in my anxious “standing alone” moments to always refocus on Him. Seeking Him First, above all else. He will provide what or who is needed. The enemy would love to ingrain in your brain that you are fully alone and abandoned, but God says differently. We need to trust His Word, and His truth. Reminding myself this day. 

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

The Life of Sea Glass

      My collections of things I am obsessed with are marbles, shells and apparently now some shore rocks and sea glass.  Over the years one of my favorite things to do is to comb the shore for shells or other treasures that “speak” to me.  I never know exactly what I am looking for but when I spot it I just know.  I have such an obsession with shells that kayaking can be “painful” at times when I spot beautiful shells at the bottom of the river bed or lake bed, almost taunting me through clear water that is too deep for me to snatch up without tipping my kayak. . This weekends treasures, however, consisted of a couple cool rocks and mostly sea glass, or I guess technically Great Lakes glass if you will.  

I love to think of the journey of sea glass.  I always believe it to be much like life.  I pray that one day I can express my own journey like sea glass.  I already can say that the currents of life have tossed me to and fro….more so than I would even like to admit, but its true.  It's been a journey in my 50 plus years.  Seasons have shaken me up but honestly by the grace of God has used them to clean me up. The tossing and turning continues to smooth my sharp edges.  As the years pass I want to be not “broken” but supple.   

I had a great conversation with friends the weekend where I spoke of my need to want my ducks in a row, but over the years have gotten better with them just being in the room or within a general vicinity, but it depends on the circumstance. I hope that my tossing and turning will bring me closer to the point of simply riding the waves, and going with the flow as the currents and tides change.  

It feels like recently I have withstood some hard places.  I pray that when I encounter those, between a rock and hard places, that I will learn to rest in Him as He strengthens me to know where I am flowing to next. That I will not look at my situation as “stuck” but rather as a point and place to be refined in the waiting or a place to reflect on the “pause”.  That I will look toward Him and be ready to catch the next wave in His plan maybe just a bit “less broken” than I was and a bit more supple when I leave that destination. 

I pray that as an unsuspecting soul comes across my journey while they are on theirs, that what they discover is connection, and encouragement, and maybe feel a bit “less broken” than before our paths crossed, as we move to the ebb and flow of life.  I’ve said for years to people that have experienced worship with me that I pray that they forget they are seeing me at all, and simply journey to the throne room along with me in the presence of the Father.  Like sea glass, I don’t want to be too flashy or too dull, but to have the perfect luster that the light of the SON can use me to reflect just enough to grab the attention of those needing to feel HIS love, HIS presence, HIS embrace. That they just might wonder enough to take that piece with them and allow His presence in their life to become treasure I know it can be. To be the reminder of His  truth of who HE says they are. 

2 Corinthians 3:18

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

New Life

 I admit to not having a green thumb. I water this plant when I remember to….mostly on time. Its been a bit of a hectic season, with regular stuff, plus my daughters sport season AND trying to purge and pack through this house to get it ready for market. I kinda forgot about my plant. Yesterday I apologized to it for neglect and watered it well. This morning this is what I saw……new life coming up to bloom, even during a harsh few weeks.  

I was like…”how?!”  Even amongst what felt dry and dying, it kept pressing forth to its calling. Thats life. No matter what things look like, what is said about you, whether you feel rejected or abandoned, you keep pressing. You keep your face toward the Son. He is faithful to bring new life by His Word, by people He places in your life to encourage and point you back to Jesus, by reminding you of who He says you are and the plans He set for you are still for a hope and future. Run and reach to Him first and He will have “all the things” in place at the perfect time. 

Im reminded of the song “Run to the Father” by Cody Carnes. Its worth a listen.

Dodging Waves

 Yesterday while hiking dunes trails, we ended our hike with the trail walking back water side. Its honestly my favorite place to be. It was easily a mile of walking lake side, getting to look at all the rocks that seem to fascinate me, picking up beach glass treasures and dodging waves. Normally when I walk down a beach Im barefoot, but since we had been hiking I had shoes on. Since I was a bit intrigued by looking at smooth rocks and possible beach glass finds I was walking on the sand on the waters edge. Dodging waves never crossed my mind really until that first time one caught me off guard, hit my shoe and I jumped and laughed. Yep, my one foot got wet and we quickly realized I needed to pay attention better, but something inside me was willing to take the challenge. I could have avoided it all together and walked in a “safer” area, but would have missed picking up the cool treasures we found. I also would have missed the laughter of the couple more times my agility failed me and I ended up with a wet shoe. 

I stopped to snap this photo because again, as He often does, the Lord spoke to my heart with these scenes. Life is full of waves isn’t it?  The science geek in me gets jacked up excited when it collides and combines with the spiritual side of things the Holy Spirit reveals. Waves are energy carriers. They are typically caused by wind and actually transmit energy and not water. Tell my shoes that right?! 

Im reminded of the waves of things that happened in our lives that are caused, not by flesh and blood but, by the energy released by spiritual forces of evil. 

As we walk the shore line of life discovering the blessings God has and its treasures along the way, we sometimes gets caught off guard by a wave that soaks us. At times that wave may feel like it’s pulling you under. It may feel like its pushed you off course. You may feel the residue left from getting hit by one, but you don’t take your eyes off the trail. The treasures placed there by God himself are still there, some yet to be discovered by you. Don’t divert from the path or you’ll miss out. You may get hit with a wave, you may get knocked down. Lord knows those incoming will test your spiritual agility, but we have to keep the focus on the treasure of His promises.  Jeremiah 29:11 says “for I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

Isaiah 43:2 says:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

At one point yesterday after getting hit with a wave, despite my best attempt to avoid it, I kept walking and said out loud “And God laughed”.  I then admitted out loud that had no idea exactly why I said that but I did. This morning I get it. God sees everything. Nothing hidden from Him. He sees who is causing waves and the energy behind it. The waves, however, do not change His promises or who He is. It does not change your gifts or His plan for your life. It does not change who He says you are.  He is still on the throne and holds the victory….”So God laughs.”  ❤️ Be blessed. 

Feathers In The Breeze

     In the evening at the beach, I sat,  relaxed and listened to the waves, enjoyed the breeze, and inhaled the fragrance only the beach can give. As I inhaled, and allowed the repetition of the crashing of the waves to cleanse my mind, with my heart absolutely full of gratitude toward God for the moment, a feather came flying from behind my best friends head and found its way, as it danced through the sand toward my towel. I was immediately drawn to this small, pure white, fluffy, seemingly perfect feather.  I studied it and was amazed by what appeared to be flawless beauty. I had watched it suddenly appear and knew after studying it that it was time to release it again yet to watch it closely. As I released it, the wind gently caressed it and guided it back to the sand. I watched it whisper and whirr forward as I watched it pitch and flow through the miniature hills and valleys of the sand. It would pause in a valley before it would surmount and ascend as the breeze continued to press it forward. As He often does when my mind is still, it was at that point the Lord downloaded the message He wanted me to have. During the “download”  I evidently let out a shy and gentle “hmm?!” from my vocal cords that my best friend caught and then inquired about. I paused and reflected, tasting my words before releasing them as I understood that it may seem absurd.  I explained to him what I had seen with the feather and wished I would have taken a picture of it because God downloaded a message. He smiled and giggled because he knows this happens from time to time and then I write.  

We are like the feather as we travel through life. We may spend some time in valleys for a bit, but when we trust God to carry us forward we overcome and will find ourselves mountaintop, then valley, and again mountaintop, but we keep moving forward as we trust the One who carries us, like a gentle breeze, through each obstacle. 

     I never did take a picture of the feather, so after returning home, I was looking for one to use, I came across some other interesting things about white feathers that touched my soul. 

“The discovery of a white feather is often taken to be an omen that angels are near. While there’s never any clear answer, many people believe these feathers indicate the presence or proximity of celestial beings and their divine guidance in our lives.  The significance of these spiritual symbols can vary depending on where they show up but we know that certain meanings may include: purity, protection, love, and guidance coming into your life right now which makes them worth noticing when they appear unexpectedly!  While white feather meanings can vary from person to person or culture to culture, most believe that finding one means you’re being protected both physically and mentally–and it’s a beautiful reminder of how divine love works its way into all things when we least expect it!  Feathers can best be understood by considering the source from where they came, which is a bird. Birds are highly tuned into spiritual energies and influenced by messages that heaven wishes to pass on earth; so we may understand its gifts and knowledge through higher attainments of inner truth in mental pursuits regarding such topics as spirituality or religious practices.

“A feather comes down like dew-gathering light upon my brow; And gives new life unto reason’s dying withered state: For here, at last, resides all intelligence divine As sacred wisdom flowing freely forth anew From Him who rules above us with unchallenged reign.”

In symbolism white feathers represent a higher power or divine guidance, and finding one is often thought to be a good omen. In the Christian faith, these white feather meanings are associated with angels watching over us; while in other cultures, they signify protection from your guardian spirit beings!

So if you find yourself seeing white bird symbols take comfort as it simply means that there’s always something positive coming into your life at this time–and what better gift than love? Not just any kind of love but heavenly messages which tell us we’re never alone through troubled times because heaven will always watch over those who trust in its caring nature!”

(Credit: Richard Alois)

     I realize people can write whatever they want….I mean, if you’re reading this, youve taken a moment to read my perspective. The truth in my life is that I trust Gods word in my heart. I know His Word and promises alone to be true. I know how He speaks to my soul. He can use all things….a feather, a picture, and a random writing from an author whose heart I don’t know, to convey and confirm the message He download to me hours before. The message of reminding us that He is in control. The message that we are not alone and He is carrying us through all the hills and valleys as He helps us to press forward on this journey of life.  May you be reminded of that on this day. Blessings. 

In The Hard Places

      When life throws you lemons you sip lemonade, but you do it at the beach because it makes it less tart, at least for the moment. Thats my recipe anyway. After soaking in some sun, doing some wave therapy, seeing a dear college friend and her family, I walked  along the pier today with my dearest friend. Its been a season of heart ache, disappointment, sadness and hurt for so many. God often grabs my attention and speaks to me with things in nature, or regular every day events.  Sometimes when He does it, those things blaze about like a neon sign to my soul. The moment I saw these was one of those moments. It grabbed me so much that I stopped to grab a snapshot of them and knew Id be writing about it as did my friend from the side smirk I caught, when snapping the odd and random photo. This is what it spoke to me.

 Even in the hardest of places. Places that are hard, cold, rough, cracked, broken, where it feels like there no hope, just seemingly relentless crashing waves at times….God can still bring forth new life and healing. God will still work all things together for our good. Sometimes He causes you to sprout and grow and stand in uncomfortable places…we just have to keep our eyes toward the Son and trust His plan even when, especially when it doesn’t make sense. His love, His promises still conquer all. May this simple picture encourage you as much as it did me. Blessings 

Joy Confuses The Enemy

  As crazy as this may sound to say (or type) outloud, today I made a decision to choose joy.  It sounds simple enough but lets think on this for a bit.   I'm unsure how many of you have ever given birth, or have been constipated (yes I went there and I heard God laugh).  You know that when you give “birth” (whichever way you go - lol), there are uncomfortable moments.  There are downright painful moments…I have lived both scenarios.

Life sometimes deals us with circumstances that the enemy will use to steal your joy.  He cannot steal it if we don’t leave it available for him to take.  He can only take it when we allow it.  We can be in a valley so deep, so painful, that to push through is some ugly hard stuff.  Sometimes we don't even know how or when to take a breath. It is incredibly heavy and suffocating.   We have a choice to stay there or to press forward.  Just like in birth or yes, even in constipation,  if we dont push forward the result of not doing so will cause complications or even cause death.  Regardless, we have to make a choice.  We can sit in that season grasping on to the teeny tiny bits of joy we can get our hands on, like drowning and take gasps of oxygen only when we come just above surface, or we can race to the top, pushing, swimming, pressing, and finally bust through

Ive been in a valley in the last season.  Within that season I left my joy exposed and the enemy swiped it from me, and I didnt stop him.  I stopped doing things God has called me to do, like writing regularly, writing songs, speaking publicly etc…smiling, being an encourager etc….just being WHO He made me to be.   Today I made a choice to stop being “constipated”.  Today I made a choice to stop being a bottom dweller and bust through by racing up, against the current, busting above the surface and staying at the top.  Today, as I forced myself to not only bust through, but to take a huge solid breath of refreshing oxygen once I got to the top and stay there.  It was hard.  It has been way easier to simply sit on the bottom and soak in all I have been dealt.  Some days I really wanted to do just that.  

Today I chose joy.  As I went to drop off my daughter for her last day of school of her sophomore year, I rolled down the windows the last half mile, and cranked up the music.   I watched her face go into shock and she literally said “Oh God, Oh God”.  As I started singing the lyrics to “We will rock you” at the top of my lungs we both began laughing hard.  I pulled into the high school with an all out party in my car as I sang, shouted, danced and cheered her on for her last school day of the year out the window for the whole world to hear, and I didnt care who didnt like it.   She was super embarrassed but in the same breath, she also loved every single second of it.  If you have known me for a long time, none of that behavior probably surprises you in the least.  If you have known me less than a year, then that probably is a behavior you have not yet seen.  I'm not proud of that but it's true.  I am, by taking my joy back, starting to remember who God created me to be. I have honestly forgotten what that felt like.  I have allowed some of that to be buried in my circumstances, unless you are in my small trusted tribe (who got to see glimpses of that from time to time) in those “gasping for oxygen” moments I spoke of earlier. 

Joy confuses the enemy.  Joy and praise allow God to demonstrate His mighty power on your behalf.  I watched it happen today.  It was a breakthrough that I have needed for quite some time and it was all in my own grasp right there extended by the Lord the whole time.  A hard and sobering thought to me was, in the process of me NOT choosing joy this whole time,  was WHOM was I drowning in the process? Who  did I also suffocate and keep sitting at the bottom with me entangled in my sorrow.  My kids?  My best friend? My family, friends, co-workers, students, acquaintances?  People who have prayed for me and been there for me every step….how did my “not choosing joy” hold them back, because I know it did. I can’t change the past now, but I can press forward.  It doesn't mean there will be no tears, or that we don't feel sadness or grief.  We may pocket joy for a moment, but it is still on our person while we sift through those moments, eventually pulling it back out.  It's not like I didn't know all this information before.  I did, but I had to be ready to push.  Remember the “giving birth” scenario? You have to make a decision to “push” forward.  The longer you wait, refusing to move, the more complications or losses.

“For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.” Isaiah 55:12

      The first 13 words though…I experienced today.  For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace.  After I busted out, swiped my joy back, there was peace and has been all day.  Doesn't mean I havent had to deal with junk, but as the Bible says in Neh. 8:10 The joy of the Lord is our strength.  I literally watched that happen today.  Not only that, I physically WATCHED how it affected my daughter.  She was embarrassed but laughed and smiled the whole time and actually pulled out her phone to video it.  That says a lot to me, she wanted to save the moment.  

My goal for myself and for you is to continue to CONFUSE THE ENEMY.  I don't want to forget what this feels like.  I want to remember what that gulp of “fresh air” felt like and run with it. If you have given your joy away, you can also get yours back.  I'm not pretending it will be simple and won't be a challenge.  I am certain I will be coming back to this writing to remind myself at some point, but know that it is possible, and starts with a choice.  Don’t allow the enemy's crap to “constipate” you.  Lets confuse the crap out of him.  Make the choice to rejoice. I'm sure gonna keep reminding myself.  Blessings.

Be Happy?…..How?!

   Yesterday I cried in the arms of my co-worker, two actually, who offered me hugs that were needed and words of encouragement that were much needed after dealing with the loss of my father-in-law, and dog in the same weekend. This didnt include other battles that are being had in the midst of it all. .  Life has been down right hard, and I have been sad.  Battling depression at times as the weight of everything feels so heavy even when I have been doing my best to “Cast my cares”.  After being gone much of last week, talking with people,  and today,  running a meeting this morning with co-workers and chatting, I realize that many many people are struggling or battling something. It’s not just me.  I sat at my desk and cried yesterday during my lunch for a moment.  It, to be honest, has felt like that for months…heavy and hard for many people I love.  

Yesterday, my first day back at work, after being out for bereavement, students during my plan time came walking into my class ,with a camera, to interview me for the news about ‘What makes me happy”.  I laughed right out loud.  They realize recently I have been through a lot lately and one student said to me, “Its okay Mrs, Hock, take a breath and remember what makes you happy and we will wait until you are ready.”  I took a breath, rubbed my face, as if to wipe away sadness and put on a smile, collected my thoughts and got myself prepared to speak.  I explained during my interview that my family and going to the beach make me happy.  I also explained that when I get those two things together, that it really makes me happy.”

This morning before a staff meeting, my boss had the front screen covered in “Be Happy”.  I kind of laughed to myself and sighed in the same breath. I did appreciate the reminder.  Being happy IS a choice.  Right now I just feel overwhelmed with sadness a lot of the time.  It is not for lack of trying.  I will have moments of laughter, but mostly it feels like they are short lived.  At times it feels like that movie “Inside Out” where, “Joy” is the one that is lost or has been misplaced, or went in the wrong direction and is just not around.  I realize it is a season.

I know I am not alone in that, as I get paid to engage with both adults and children on the stresses of life.  It's part of the job, but I also feel like the struggle is real for many and I am not sure how to help myself navigate let alone help others at times.  We are all walking it out together.  Here is what I do know as I said it to my best friend yesterday….  ” I guess when we no longer know the words to speak, we still have God's Word that is alive.”  It is living and active.  It is sharper than a two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12).  As a Christian, it is what we are to stand on and put our hope in.  God knows everything (1 John 3:20).  Nothing is hidden from Him (Hebrews 4:13).  He sees every single tear (Psalm 56:8) and knows the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).  He is our protection, provision, (Phillipians 4:19, Psalm 91) and our ever present help in time of need (Psalm 46:1).  He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever hope or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).  He knows the plans He has for us, plans for a hope and a future.(Jeremiah 29:11).  

     Because I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength (Neh 8:10),  I am able to walk through this season.  It might be a step by step, or millisecond by millisecond kind of thing but it is still pressing forward. If  the only joy you can muster up is solely relying on His promises, then HOLD FAST to them. Never done that before??  Try it.  Grasp onto them like you are grasping onto the hem of his garment as He is walking (Matthew 9:20).   Move toward them and keep your eyes in full focus on HIM as you step out of the boat onto the water with the storm raging around you (Matthew 14:28-29).  Watch in these seasons specifically for manna that He provides, and celebrate each morsel you find and let it bring you joy.  I find the more you begin to look for the things to celebrate and be glad for that He provides the easier they are to find. Thank Him for those moments and allow that to fuel your joy. He will not fail you as His resume of faithfulness is without negligence.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  Remind Him of his promises and watch Him follow through. I am believing this whole heartedly for my own life so believe it for yours, letting the joy of the Lord be your strength.