The Day I Lost My Husband

     The day I lost my husband Todd, was the truly the most difficult day of my life.  He passed away 10 years ago on March 8, 2001.  Kennedy was just 8 months old and Payton was just 6.  I was doing a lot of writing during this time, while dealing with his mystery illness and following his death.  So much of it started with me writing emails to keep friends and family posted about what was happening.  I never imagined what would ever become of those emails.  My mom, however, had the frame of mind to save them all and put them into a book for me and for the kids to see when they got older.  The day that Todd died was life changing.  After Todd's funeral, I came back to my email and posted about the last moments of his life to share with everyone who loved him and had been praying for he and our family.  Some how I was able to sit down in my grief and walk through it all again to write it down.  Later in the book I also write about having to go to his classroom and clean it out, dealing with the results of his autopsy, and also times when I started to pack his things away at home, and dealing with grief during our first year without him.   Today I feel led to copy down what I wrote a few days after he died.  It still, to this day, brings tears to my eyes.
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Written in March of 2001:

     I wanted to take some time to take you through the last few minutes before Todd died to share with you the impact that it had on my life and the life of my family.
     That afternoon I went to the hospital to see Todd, as I always did, and he was up and down all day.  The one thing that became very apparent to me, and his family, was that he was so wide eyed that I thought it was strange.  It was like a "deer in the headlight look".  He couldn't have gotten his eyes any wider if he had tried and he was looking all over the ceiling.  At one point I kind of chuckled as I looked up trying to see what he was looking at and said: "Todd, what are you looking at, it is the same ceiling that has been there for 3 weeks." (Todd had been on a respirator his whole stay in the hospital and could not talk).  When I spoke to him he looked at me and when I would tell him that I loved him, he would mouth back to me that he loved me. So I knew he was very much "with it".  I also noticed that he didn't want me to leave as he stared at the ceiling.  Not that he was frightened, but he was just watching something he couldn't seem to take his eyes off of..  I promised him I wouldn't leave until he fell asleep.
     Earlier in the evening I had come home from the hospital like I had always done every day.  It was about 9pm and I was holding my daughter, Kennedy, when I got this sudden feeling that I needed to call the hospital and see how Todd was doing at that moment.  Todd's day had been up and down, but we had gotten kind of used to that.  I never called the hospital at night, I always waited until the morning to call and see how his night had been, but I felt the need to do so that night, so I did.  When I called they told me that his temp had gone up and his blood pressure had dropped a little, but that they had it under control.  I asked them to call me if it got any worse and they promised they would. 
      I then put the baby to bed and went to my computer, as I did nightly, to write my email that I sent every evening to update friends and family who were praying.  While writing my email I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to go to the hospital and be with Todd.  I had no idea why, just that I knew I needed to go.  I went out into the living room and told my mother (who has been staying with me) that I needed to go to the hospital, but wasn't sure why and that I needed to go by myself.  She assured me that she would watch the baby and to go ahead and go.
     A few minutes after 10pm I arrived at the hospital and Todd was wide awake again and staring and looking around the ceiling.  I had my glasses on, which I never wear in front of people, because I had taken my contacts out.  When Todd saw me he became alarmed because he knew that at night was when I wore my glasses.  I told him that his blood pressure had dropped a little and his temp was up and I just said that it was my turn to take the night shift as not to alarm him.  I sat and held his hand for awhile and in his own way he communicated to me that he didn't want me to leave, so again, I promised him that I would stay until he fell asleep and then I would go into the waiting room and try to sleep myself.  When he fell asleep, I left for the waiting room and covered myself in my coat and watched the TV until I dozed off.
     A little after 1am the nurse came in and woke me and told me that they could no longer stabilize him and I needed to call the family.  She also asked if I wanted the Chaplain and I told her "no" as I knew I would need to get busy calling everyone.  Then I proceeded to call his mother, sisters, grandma and father and also called our church secretary to to get a hold of our pastor.  I told the family that they did not need to call anyone, that I would take care of it myself, and to just get to the hospital.  (Know that Todds' Dad was staying an hour or more away from the hospital.  Everyone else had to drive between 15-30 minutes).
     As everyone arrived one by one to the hospital, we came to the reality that in a short time we were going to lose Todd.  We stayed with Todd the entire time (Todd still being wide eyed).  We told Todd how much we loved him and that he was going to a much better place.  We told him he would be free of medication and he would be whole again. We told him not to be afraid and to relax....as he continued to watch the ceiling and look around. 
     Our church pastor arrived about the same time his Dad did, and we continued to assure Todd of our love for him, explaining that God loved him even more.  Pastor Wyatt then moved closer to Todd's face and asked him if he knew that we loved him, and he nodded largely. (Please note that up until this time Todd had not been strong enough to lift his head, let alone barely nod at all.)  Pastor also asked him if he knew that Jesus loved him, and again the big nod.  And finally he asked Todd if he was at peace with his Creator and again he gave one final nod.  Pastor then said, "Okay angels, come and take him."  Within a few minutes, Todd was gone.
     I now know that it was the Holy Spirit that was telling me to be at the hospital, because if I wasn't, the whole family would have not been called in time to be able to be with him when he died.  I also know that Todd had been seeing angels all day in his room.  There is no doubt in my mind, and I didn't realize that until the moment he died.  What he was staring at were the things that we can't see.  It was the most awesome and most difficult experience that I have ever been a part of. The love of my life was taken from me, but he went to be with our Creator.
     I had gone through periods of questioning why my husband would be taken so young, with a wife and young children left behind.  At the end of Todd's funeral I had a feeling come over me that took all those questions away.  I now understand that God uses all things for his glory, and I will explain.
Toward the end of Pastor Wyatt's sermon at the funeral he brought up the fact that Todd was in Heaven and that salvation was a free gift from God...free to all.  He asked if there were people in the audience who wanted to begin a new life with Jesus and accept the Lord into their hearts.  He prayed and asked those who wanted to become saved to pray this prayer, or something pretty close..." I believe that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and died for my sins, and that salvation is a free gift.  I ask the Lord to come into my life and to change me and to make me whole again in Jesus Christ. If you believe this, you are saved."
     Toward the end, he asked everyone to close their eyes and bow their heads and he asked those who had prayed the prayer to themselves to raise their hands so that he could pray for them.  As hands went up Pastor acknowledged them without naming names...I knew there were many by the way he spoke.  At that very moment I had a tremendous peace come over me and I stopped questioning.  In Todd's death, others began and new life in Christ Jesus.
     I will miss Todd and the times are going to be very difficult, quiet, lonely and I will continue to grieve, but I want everyone to know that Todd's life was not in vain.  I will no longer ask "why".  God Bless Everyone Who Read This. Jen
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    Some how the night of Todd's death, I remember having my wits about me, yet I also had that numb feeling, where you think you are living someone elses' nightmare that you see on TV...but it was all real.  I remember being by his bedside knowing he was dying, holding his hand, praying over him and trying to comfort him all in the same.  Upon his death I also remember openly speaking out loud to God and thanking Him for my husbands life, for allowing us all to share in the joy of knowing him and being a part of his life...for the children he gave me, for the father, brother, son, and uncle he was in all of our lives.  A few days later I talked to a friend, who had talked to Pastor Wyatt about how I handled things during that time.  Pastor Wyatt apparently told them that God given me grace to be able to walk through that time.  I remember at one point being a bit overwhelmed and weak kneed during Todd's dying process and having to sit down and take a breath and Pastor Wyatt sitting down next to me, next to Todd's bed, and putting his arm around me.  Nobody said anything, but I just needed a moment.  I can't really explain what that "moment" was, other than to get refocused on not getting overwhelmed in my own grief, but being there for Todd as long as I could, as if trying to soak in every moment I had left with him. 

Isaiah 43:2  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,  you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

     I have been asked so many times in the last 10 years HOW I was able to get through that time in my life,  a time that left scars on so many levels.  One word : GOD.  My hope is and was in the Lord.  I think of the poem Footprints and how I KNOW that during that time, God was carrying me as I could not even begin to carry myself...it was all God - ALL OF IT.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 I just had to have the faith of a mustard seed that He would carry me through.  There is not a day that goes by, even after 10 years that I do not think of Todd. Especially as I look into the eyes of my oldest daughter and her brother, as they both carry so many of his features.  One of the things that I have struggled with is that my oldest daughter never got the chance to know her father.  I believe that one day, however, that she too will get a chance to stand face to face with not only her Heavenly Father, but her biological father as well.
      I have since re-married, back in July of 2005 to an amazing man who has a heart for the Lord.   Unfortunately, the assumption of many, is that the love you once felt for the spouse that has passed away is gone when you fall in love and marry another, which far from the truth.  I remember writing in an earlier post titled "Happy Birthday" about emotions I felt during this time of struggling with dating again after the death of Todd.   The truth in dealing with such an ordeal, is that God somehow makes your heart big enough to love both.  Its truly something ONLY God is able to do, and only something that I feel is fully comprehended by someone who has walked this valley.  I praise God for all He has brought us through.  I am thankful that Todd is not dealing with sickness anymore and actually consider this 10 year anniversary of his death, in terms of a celebration of his life in Heaven.  Even though I miss him horribly, to wish him back would be selfish on my part.  So instead I wish him a Happy 10th Heavenly Birthday.  I am certain he is celebrating in a way that not one of us could imagine. :)