What About Boundaries

     I've been thinking this week a lot about boundaries.  Years ago we once had a neighbor who had a dog who used to constantly come in our yard and wreak havoc.  Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, all kinds of dogs, big or small, short or tall, etc.... but when your dog comes in my yard, gets my dog upset, and or damages our property, or keeps us awake barking through the night, I have a problem.  When this happened, my husband and I were very patient  when we spoke with our neighbor. We took the dog home various times until it became clear that our neighbor wasn't "getting it" and didn't seem to care what we thought anymore.  When damage occurred on our property from the dog (me getting it on video) and then our neighbor became angry that we were upset about it and threatened us. This is when we began to lose patience.  At this point we were left with no choice but to call the police when the dog would come into the yard.  Eventually, through a series of situations way beyond us, our neighbor is now not allowed to have any animals.  This was not something we caused for our neighbor, this is something that our neighbor, through a series of actions and lacking to take responsibility as well as honor boundaries, brought upon herself.  I remember how angry I was in the first place, that our neighbor was upset at us for calling the police after we had been so kind and asked repeatedly.  They did not understand that boundaries matter and that when boundaries are violated repeatedly, there are consequences for those actions. 
Whether we are talking dogs, property or people, boundaries matter considerably and we should honor and pay attention to them out of pure respect.  When that doesn't happen, consequences arise.

     The concept of boundaries is rooted in the nature of God Himself.  God defines Himself as a distinct, separate being, and He is responsible for Himself. He defines and takes responsibility for His personality by telling us what He thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes.

He defines Himself as separate from His creation and from us. He says, I am who I am and there is no other God but me. He says he is love and he is not darkness.

God limits what He will allow in His yard. He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior. He guards His house and will not allow evil things to go on there. He invites people in who will love Him, and He lets His love flow out to them at the same time. His gates open and close appropriately.

God made us in His image and likeness. We are also to take personal responsibility.

There is a reason that property lines are set up, so that it distinguishes a line between what is yours and theirs. Skin is a great boundary line because it separates us from what is yours and mine.  This is why those who have been sexually abused sometimes get boundaries confused, because they were taught early on that their property did not begin with their skin and as a result MAY struggle with defending their boundaries later. 

"No", is the most basic boundary setting word.  The Bible is very clear on this.

Mathew 5:7  "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  Sometimes if we don't say no quick enough or we are not direct enough, we open the floodgates and then our boundary lines are blurry and confuse others.

The Bible says we are to confront people we love saying, “No, that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that.” The word NO is also important in setting limits on abuse. Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to others’ sinful treatment of us. Matt. 18:15-20 tells you what to do when someone sins against you—how to confront them.

The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from RECOGNIZING evil. We can have broken spiritual and emotional “radar.” No ability to guard our hearts.

Matthew 18:15-20

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.  If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

“Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior. (Matthew 18:17-18)

Not sure if your boundaries have been crossed?  Pay attention to your feelings.  Whatever you are feeling, feelings are like the light on a car’s dashboard: they tell us that something needs attention. Anger is a hot feeling that says, “My boundary has been violated.” Don't ignore it or be made to feel guilty, especially by the very person who has crossed your boundary line.
After you have confronted the violator and they continue be controlling, here are some things to consider.

They have a problem hearing and accepting others’ boundaries. "No" is simply a challenge to change the other person’s mind. Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.

They tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone.  Manipulative controllers try to persuade people out of their boundaries and by doing so take away your choices. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way and force things to happen. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages, and will do and say things to try to gain your friendship.  Any friendship/ relationship that has to be forced will eventually fall.

Sometimes when people have had enough of the boundary breaking violator or  those who aren't getting it, the hard truth is that they may not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship/ friendship. This is a true risk and the consequences for not honoring boundaries. God does this every day. He says He will only do things the right way and that He will not participate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, He lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same only loving people from a distance. 

When we begin to set boundaries with people we care about, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss.

If you love them, this will be hard to watch, remember that your boundaries are both NECESSARY for you and HELPFUL for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit-setting may nudge them toward responsibility.