Giving Ourselves Away

      I have never been shy about being open with my life and its struggles. This isn’t a brand new struggle  that's never been known to man kind, but one I’m having to walk through faster than what I thought I was ready for…letting go.  My daughter Kennedy’s grandmother recently received the news that her cancer had come back and had spread.  This is not the news any of us wanted to hear, but we stand in faith and the Word of God claiming that by the stripes of Jesus she is healed!!  She, however, made a request that Kennedy could join her and the rest of my late husband Todd’s family, in the Bahamas this year for spring break…having the whole Windsor clan down there together all at once.  I will admit I struggled with this decision of allowing my daughter out of the country without a guardian (my husband Tim or myself).  My daughter is 14 years old and in high school.  I thought I would have three more years before I’d have to “let her go” if she chose to go away to college, so this caught me off guard a bit.  After doing some praying about it for about 24 hours with Tim and along with some close friends, I had peace about it, but I knew it was going to be something hard I was going to have to walk through….Momma was gonna have to grow up a little. ;) 

Kennedy, Tim and I had many many conversations about what to expect, and what we expected her to do or not to do, for example, never go anywhere alone I don’t care how safe you feel etc…

Then yesterday came, where I knew I was going to have to drop her off with her Aunt Marcy whom she was going to be flying with, and whom will take amazing care of her.  I  still knew, however, that I was going to HAVE to do the “official letting go”.  I told her in advance, don’t be surprised if I cry.  I’ll try hard not to, but you are my baby and so this is hard for me.  She knew I was excited for her, but also was struggling so she just smiled and nodded.  As I dropped her off and chatted with her aunt and gave some specific instructions, Kennedy hugged me.  I told her I loved her and then started to feel the tears rising up. I very quickly and abruptly said goodbye and left.  Kennedy caught on right away and just smiled. I tried so hard but I no sooner turned my head to go to my car and the tears were falling.  I cried all the way home and continued on and off silently right into the arms of my husband who was there waiting for me.  He knew as soon as he looked at me what was wrong, and he just hugged me and said, “She’ll be fine.”  I already know that, but the hardest part is the letting go.  I did okay the rest of the night for the most part, but battled thoughts now and then.  

        For the last few days I have been listening to a CD in my car of a worship service some of my best friends and I did back in January.  Within that CD, I have been kinda “camping out” on a song my  best friend Sean led called “I Give Myself Away” by William McDowell.  Sean’s voice and gifting to play the keys is so anointed, that you can feel the Spirit moving every time I listened to it.   My daughter Kamdyn rides with me much of the time as I have gone about my errands, so she has also heard the song a lot recently, and actually was also at the actual service.  Last night as I lay in bed, struggling with missing my oldest daughter, my thoughts were halted by suddenly hearing Kamdyn start to sing this song at the top of her lungs in worship while she lay in her own bed. It tickled me so much to hear her singing as she too is a worshipper at heart.  Here are the words:

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[Chorus:]
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

[Verse 1:]
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I'm longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

[Verse 2:]
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

[Chorus:]
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

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As she continued to sing, my own thoughts were drown out in worship and my mood was changed. At some point after that I must have fallen asleep.  I woke up about 1 am and immediately thought about her and began to pray in the Spirit instead of allowing myself to fret.  I eventually at some point went back to sleep.  I woke at 5 am and immediately thought of her again and began to pray.  As I was looking at my phone my sister-in-law text me to let me know that they were on their way to the airport, Kennedy with Starbucks in hand.  I replied..”that’s my girl”. ;)

     This morning as I was riding in my car on my way to work with the CD player going.  I looked at the clock and thought to myself that my daughter Kennedy and her family would soon be in the air….and again the tears began to come.  The tears of struggling to let go.  It may seem a bit dramatic as some would say…its only for a week, but she’s my girl and one of the only things I have left of a combo of her Daddy (my late husband Todd), and myself, and she is my baby, I don’t care how old she gets, she will always be my baby.  I thought I had at least 3 more years before I would have to start letting her go and head to college.  She wants to be a missionary after college so I guess I should get used to this right?!  It doesn't stop the tears from flowing now however.  I still remember my own mother crying for quite awhile after dropping my older brother off at college 8 hours from home.  The struggle is very real.  If I am honest with myself too, its really less about this actual trip, and more just about the "letting her go...letting her grow".....and me growing too.

Then at that moment the tears began to flow again, I hear my friend Sean, who has been tremendous mentor, friend, and truth speaker in my life, begin to sing via the CD “I Give Myself Away”. The tears begin to flow even harder, and I say “ok Lord, I get it, I get it already.”

Part of “giving ourselves away” is letting go of self and all things “us”.  Kennedy is my daughter, I'd give my life for her, but if I were honest, she really is NOT MINE to keep. I love her more than words, but I still do not love her more than God, she is His daughter too. She was His daughter first.  She is fearfully and wonderfully made and He has a plan for her life like it talks about in Jeremiah 29:11, one with a hope and a future.   The Lord placed her into my care to raise her,  bring her up,teach her about Him, and to take care of her for a time.  It's true that she is part of me but yet I still have to “give myself away”, my selfishness, the possessiveness that wants to hold on to her and keep her little forever.  The struggle  is not a new one, but it is very real.  I need to release her to Him because He wants to work more in her life on a deeper level, to use her, to reveal things to her to be used both now and in the future.  If I hold on too tightly, she may miss something He has laid out for her because my selfishness and getting in the way.  I also may miss something He has for me, something he wants to reveal in me, some place higher that He is also calling me to be.  I can’t say to God,  “my life is in your hands” if I am holding so tightly to it…any aspect of it.  So as I drive and listen and wipe the tears from my face, I then eventually begin to laugh.  Leave it up to God to use the singing voice of one of my very best friends…a trusted soul and truth speaker in my life,  to speak into me at that very moment to get the message across.  Well played Lord, well played. ;) 

   I know I am not the first to walk this journey and I wont be the last, but I am vocal about my life as He calls me to be, so for that reason I share as I walk through reality, the growing pains, the real struggles.  My deepest desire is to be used by God, and He works in me to shake away and declutter things that don’t need to be there…a house cleaning if you will.   He wont stop until all is cleansed as He is looking for an unshakable Kingdom.  Is there anything you need to "let go" of in your life??   He IS calling us higher.