To Kill or Kindle

        I had the opportunity this weekend to go through some of my Fathers things that have been sitting in boxes for 15 years.  I found so many cool things that blessed my socks off and brought tears to my eyes. My brother and I spent some time going through his things and scanning what we could.  During this time I found out somethings about my Dad that I didn't know or wasn't aware of.  I found out that he had been the organizer of the beauty pageants and was very involved in pageants and he was President of the organization that was in charge of putting them on for the county.  The winners would then head off to the state competition etc...   I was a bit shocked and amused by that.  I also learned of something that absolutely tore my heart out, and brought me to tears.  I am not sure why we were never told or maybe family just assumed we knew, but we didn't, yet was very public information.  In the early 70's my Dad, who was target shooting with another person, accidentally shot and killed a man while in a target shooting area, but he had no idea.  Apparently one of his bullets missed the target and went far enough to hit another man who was hunting quite a distance away.  The man was not even found until the next day and nobody, for quite some time knew what had happened until the investigation was complete, and was later ruled an accident.  My brother and I would have been babies really, so of course we had no idea. To find this out, revealed so very much about my Dad, that now makes so much sense to both my brother and I. 
 My heart just broke for him and I have wept, but yet it was almost like the missing piece of trying to understand some choices my Dad made in his life, as he clearly spent a lot of his life "running" from pain, from hurt, from fear, and often used "bandaides" to deal with it all .  God bless him, as an adult I see it so much more clearly.  My Dad had a heart of gold and would have given you the shirt off his back, and I know that this is part of what destroyed him inside, and yet it was an accident.  I could not even begin to imagine the devastation and having to deal with such a thing, for the REST of your life, knowing that you killed a man accidentally and that there is nothing you can do to fix it. 
What he did was accidental, unintentional, and I know if he could have taken it back, he would have without question.
  Some of you may be upset that I have even brought up such a tragic thing, let alone about my Dad, may he rest in peace.  His ordeal was a very public one and no doubt, painful.  I know that If I can use his story and situation to help someone else, in whatever way, then he would be thrilled at that.  Many of you may be thinking "What? I've never shot and killed anyone!  I've never even shot a gun!".  While this may be true, we kill people all the time.  We kill them with our words, or our actions, our negativity.  We may not kill them completely but we may kill parts of them....maybe even unintentionally.  We kill their hopes, their dreams, maybe even their passions.  We kill them with lies every time we fail to be truthful to others in any situation.  We kill atmospheres by bringing in bitterness, doubt or fear.  We can kill others potentials when we don't live up to our own.  I don't even want to think about how many times I have possibly been responsible for this in my life because maybe, I was a death voice to someone. 
 "Life voices" will encourage you into your next season, "death voices", on the other hand, will discourage you, hold you back, cause doubt and confusion, and try to keep you from your next season.  How many times have you spoken into someones life and what you said did not go along with Gods Word? Painful but true, I think even with the best intentions we may all be guilty at some point or another of being killers because of what came out of our mouths, or due to our actions.  

  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29).

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life (Proverbs 10:11)

So many people this time of year are talking about or thinking about New Years resolutions.  I am not about promoting resolutions really because if change needs to be made, why wait until the New Year, but it just so happens to be that New Years is a couple days away.  So, if you are thinking about a resolution, this would be a good one...."Stopping to think...... are you a life or death voice to someone in any situation?"
With the Holy Spirits leading, find ways to encourage people positively, truthfully, and genuinely.  You can be in a situation and negative circumstance, and still look for, and speak about the positive.  Become the light in the darkness, as we are called to do as Christians.  Its a daily, minute by minute decision you will have to make, but you have the opportunity to kill someones spirit, or to kindle it.  I believe we can all tell the truth in love, but its a choice.  My Dad could not change what happened to him, but we have a choice every day on how we are sowing into the lives of others, or how we are affecting them. We may not be able to change what has happened in the past, but we can choose our words and actions of the future.  Choose to live intentionally.  Kindle the flame of others, don't be a killer of it.

Insanity or Change

     A few years ago in a post, I wrote about a time when I was super hungry and stopped by a restaurant to get food and got onion rings.  As I was driving I placed those onion rings, in their container, between my knees while trying to open the dipping sauce.  As I was going around a curve in the road, the onion rings dumped all over the floor of my car.  I was so hungry so I was super upset.  You can read more about that in: 5 Second Rule  http://divineirrigation.blogspot.com/2012/07/5-second-rule.html
Since then, you would think that I would have learned my lesson....you'd thnk.  All that aside, anyone who has ever ridden with myself and my daughters in a car at the same time for any period of time, is either begging to get out quickly there after, or is laughing, yelling, singing or joking right along with us.  We are always up to something.
So last summer I was with my girls, and we had pulling into a fast food line, and my youngest daughter reminded me of my onion ring story.  She said "Mom, tell us the story again about the onion rings".  I quickly responded with a "NO!" because I didn't want to think about how stupid I felt that I had dropped them.  After pulling out of the drive thru, again, same situation.  Fries between my knees trying to open my ranch, and down to the floor they went. Seriously?! I COULD NOT believe it.  My girls laughed hysterically, but I was soooo mad.  When they realized I truly was irritated, they offered some of their fries to me, after I jokingly said to them that I would take theirs if they didn't stop laughing.  Then we all laughed at how stupid and funny it was that I had done it again.
     Last night I was with my oldest daughter, again, the rare moment of pulling out of a drive thru after a busy evening.  We began laughing about the previous times, over the years, that I dropped my fries while driving.  Before proceeding, I stopped my car promptly in the parking lot to be sure that while I was opening my sauce that I did NOT drop my fries, that I had situated, once again, between my knees.  I was so proud of myself that I had actually thought to do so.  However, after celebrating my victory briefly in my mind, it all came to a crashing halt.  In my mini-celebration I became ever so slightly over confident, and as I moved forward thinking I had secured this moment as history, I then realized I had not actually secured my fries - AGAIN!  As I started driving in my confidence, of course, down my fries went, straight to the floor.  I screamed, and Kennedy choked on her food and spit out what was in her mouth she was laughing so hard.  I was SOOO MAD, but I did slightly laugh in disbelief.  I had nobody to blame but myself.  Without question, many of you may be yelling, "DUH Jen, why would you do that again?" I know, I KNOW! :)
  God in His sense of humor and wisdom often uses my own stories of stupidity to bring across a point to share in ministry, He is so good like that. I laugh because He knows my sense of humor so well, and also my willingness, long ago, to be a willing vessel for Him. I'm just thankful for the ability and grace to be able to laugh at myself in the process. 
     The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.  How often, though, have we gone to God and prayed for Him to change a situation or especially a situation with a specific person, expecting Him to do the changing, yet seldomly taking a long hard honest look at our own hearts.  Ouch!  We pray and pray again and again, and maybe even become frustrated with God because we don't see the situation or the person changing.   I have learned over the years that often, the first examination we need to do when we feel a certain way about a situation, is to examine our own hearts.  That really can be tough if we  are certain that it is someone else that is the one who really needs to change.  Its not that someone else in your situation doesn't need to have a heart change, but they may not be the only one.  That truly is something that can be a concept that is hard to swallow, but often it can be truth.  It can be a difficult place to be, examining our own hearts and taking that long hard look.  When one does this, its a spot of vulnerability but can really be a place where tremendous growth can take place. It causes you to have to be transparently honest, even if its just with yourself.   
Take time to ask yourself if change needs to take place in your own heart.  At what point in the situation did you feel things made a turn?  How did you react or not react,  or what could you have done differently? Most importantly, however, what would Jesus tell you to do?
The blame game really never does anyone any good. Truly the best way to have a heart change toward someone is to, not only pray for them but to, ask God to show you how to look at them with Jesus glasses on. Then, ask Him to point out the areas of your own heart you might need to change, that might best help that situation, or situations.  You can choose to continue to look at the situation the same as you always have, and then get irritated after you have prayed a million times, only to have things turn out the same.   However, you COULD continue to pray for that person and for that situation and ALSO sincerely for yourself, asking God to show you any needed heart changes you may need to make.  You just might be surprised what God might be trying to show YOU.  

Where Your Peace Lies

     Years ago, when sitting down and talking with one of my best friends, her advice to me was "Go where your peace lies".  I remember it like it was yesterday, those words affected me deeply down to my soul because they were full of truth - Gods truth.  I remember the conversation ended with that because there was really nothing more to say, she was absolutely right in her advice.  Since then I have, apparently, used that phrase several times with my oldest daughter when giving her advice.  I never realized she was REALLY listening, until the other day when discussing a situation, she said to me "I remember you always told me to go where my peace lies, so that is what I try to do". Well as you can imagine, this mommas heart was overwhelmed with joy as my own child was reflecting on those truths.  
     The opposite of peace is frustration.  When we allow ourselves to get frustrated, its probably not going to end well. We may say or do things that we will regret, or make decisions we wouldn't have made, if we had not be frustrated, if we had been in peace.  God's word has called us to peace (Colossians 3:15).  If we are walking in frustration then we are not walking in peace, His is a covenant of peace.
    Frustration likes to rear is ugly head in our lives now and then.
I still believe that everything is a choice.  We get to decide if we are going to respond like the world or like the Word.  I personally have been guilty more times that I'd like to admit, over the course of my life, of not choosing well. It certainly takes discipline.  I have found that I can be frustrated at a bunch of little things or I can ask God to help me and instead respond in patience, love and peace.
I make myself often stop when I feel that frustration sneaking in trying to take a hold.  I stop and breathe and evaluate my thoughts.  Are my thoughts ones of fear and frustration?  If they are, then I know that those are not of God.  God makes very clear in His Word (2 Timothy 1:7), that He does not give us the Spirit of Fear, but one of power and of love and of a sound mind.  Frustration is not having a sound mind.
I have often felt that we settle for far less than what God has promised us.  I also feel that we often tolerate things that we have been redeemed from, things that we no longer have to tolerate.  Frustration and its effects on our lives are one of those things.
We have an opportunity every day to be frustrated with circumstances or to go where our peace lies. When little things frustrate you, take a moment and respond according to the Word of God instead of allowing things to prod or push you right out of peace.  Its something, truly, to practice daily, but its definitely worth it.  Always remember to go where your peace lies, which is where God will always lead you.  Blessings

Love Your Journey

     After spending a day doing ministry with some of my closest friends, we made one last stop for ice cream and were heading home.  We had been talking about the seasons of life, contentment, and how we are just at a point of being okay with us, with who we are.  I began to think about how comfortable I am with people that specifically God has placed in my life as "family", blood related or not. I didn't have to chase them, pay them, or beg them to be part of my life.  It's not by accident, God knows exactly who we need in our lives to be real with, through good times and bad. Those people who are there for you in all kinds of weather when we need them, for support, unfiltered honesty, for laughter in fun, and for love when we hurt...those people who can be Jesus with skin on because the love of Jesus shines right through them into your life.  It is with those people I have always felt "at home" just being me as they have always loved me right where I was at. It may have been in laughter and or in tears, but they have been there. They fit my life like a cozy slipper, and I've learned over time that its okay to just be, and embrace ME.

 In the last month I have been thinking a lot about "Who I am".  I actually finally feel like I am at a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin, in who God made me to be.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am perfect by any means.  I need to lose weight, I have psoriasis, I'm impatient, I have wrinkles and a couple of gray hairs etc... and the list goes on...  but I am okay with me.   I have had, in the last month, two people at two different times, say that they appreciated me because I was "authentic".  My thought was, "Haven't I always been?", but the truth is that I haven't.  I think I spent a lot of my life striving to be what I thought someone people might like, to try and be accepted. Becoming a bit of an over achiever because maybe it would make others proud of me or like me...because in my heart I didn't feel good enough just being me.  I had believed the lie that God left me in lack when He created me. That is a lie from the pit of Hell.  The truth is that God didn't miss one single beat when creating me, or when He created you.  

I realize in many ways I am different, and I don't even have to try.  I have also come to discover that is not a bad thing, its actually a good thing. I also have discovered that there will always be some people that love it and some that don't.   If we were all created the same, then what a boring world this would be.  I think people work too hard at TRYING to be different in this world, when they really are just trying to just feel loved and accepted, something ALL PEOPLE desire.   Now there's a twist, huh?!  All we really have to do is relax and breathe, and just be.  God made us all with unique gifts and talents. Some gifts and talents people may have are as obvious as a strobe light in a dark room, and others are as obvious as a tiny birthmark on your back side.  Both giftings are equally important. Often we get caught up in looking over the fence at what we think is the greener grass.  Don't! 

 The minute you find yourself feeling jealous of another soul about anything, is the minute you are admitting, maybe only to yourself, that lie that God didn't make you enough. It is a lie, YOU are lacking NOTHING.  Focusing time on such a lie keeps you from moving forward.

Watching people discover and succeed at their God given gifts and the race God has set for them, should get you excited. Truth is, that when it annoys you, it's time to check your own insecurities. God has blessed us all with different gifts and abilities. Some are similar but It's so cool that we are all truly unique. If you are truly running the race that God has you on, you are in competition with NO ONE. If you feel like you are, check to see if you are trying run your path or someone else's. God has a specific plan and purpose for your life, embrace it.   Don't get tripped up trying to shine your light on another's path chasing their shadow. Instead shine bright in the confidence He had when he made you.  Embrace the differences, always trying to be the very BEST version of YOU, and love your journey. 

Photo Credit: Sean D. Mullins

A Grateful Heart

     Today I am overwhelmed with joy and my heart is full.  There isn't any one thing that has caused me to feel this way, I just do.  As the Lord has laid upon my heart about writing about my grateful heart it just simply makes sense because Thanksgiving is just 4 days away.  However, even if Thanksgiving was 4 months away, it still makes sense to me to write about it.
I've walked through much in my life of 46 years.  I've written about much of it in my blog and some I haven't.  I think one of my favorite sayings is "Its not happy people who are thankful, but thankful people who are happy."  Sooooooo much truth to that.
I've walked through many fires in my life, and I could complain of the smell of smoke on my clothes, or I could thank God that I was not consumed...its a choice.
Many of us have walked through some tough things in life.  Hard, hard, horrible things, but what is it that are we focusing on?  I've been abused, abandoned, neglected, rejected, cheated on, I've suffered loss that would tear your heart out....My heart has been beaten and broken down to the point of wanting to give up. Much of what I have walked through is what has made me who I am today because I am now stronger, bolder, confident, passionate, compassionate, and loving.  I could be mad but I would much rather be glad.  I could choose to keep one foot stuck in the mud, or I could pull it out and move forward.
     A couple weeks ago I was dealing with a mix of emotions after a significant loss of someone in my life.  I had so many emotions that I just couldn't process it, and adding it to other stress, I felt like I was losing it.  My family was dealing with their own emotions, and so I didn't want to take the mess of emotions I was feeling, along with deep grief from the past this loss stirred up home, and bombard them in their own grief and emotions.  I found myself instead just driving and crying, and driving some more.  I wasn't sure where I was going..but I just drove.  After several hours I ended up at my best friends house unannounced and I was a giant mess.  He gladly dropped his plans and welcomed me in. Walking me through it, allowing me to vocalize every word and emotion that surfaced without judgment until I was able to process it all. When I left I was in a much better place than when I had arrived.  My family was relieved to know where and with whom I was, and although still grieving, was doing much better.  I had made a choice in the midst of processing it all.  I could look at the glass half full or half empty, or just be thankful that I had a glass.  I could focus on the loss or focus on the beautiful memories. I could be mad at the unfairness of it all, or be glad for the time we'd been given. All of it, a choice.
   I think of all the places Ive walked or fallen down in my life...Ive chosen to get back up.  Every time I choose to get back up the scenery seems more beautiful.  God continues to make beauty from ashes from the fires of which Ive walked.
I am blessed with an amazing husband whose love, support and patience blesses me beyond measure, along with my family.  Ive been blessed with the best friends a girl could ever wish for and I am richer because they are part of my life.  I am blessed with parents and my brother who are always there and have always been there to support me in every moment of my life. I'm blessed with a God who loves me enough that He sent His son to die for me and he cared enough to bless me with these AMAZING people who are ALL family to me.  I choose to celebrate all that God has done and all that He will do.
I am happy because I choose to be thankful. I'm not bitter because I have chosen to be BETTER.
I choose a grateful heart, because a grateful heart will always get you further in life.  Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough and more.

Stuck in the......

     When I was growing up, I had many opportunities to clean horse manure out of a stall. Later in life I dated a farmer, and on many occasions walked through the barn, and in my boots walked through the manure in all of its thick, gooey, pasty, stinky, nasty fullness.  It never bothered me because I never was a "girly-girl". One day however, my boots got stuck while we were getting ready to clean it out with the Bobcat, because well, it was deep in there and I had slowed down my walk for some reason. I lost my balance and down I went, yep, right into the thick nasty stank of it all. I laughed hysterically until I realized I couldn't get out on my own. As much experience as I had in a barn, I still was no expert. After my boyfriend was done laughing he drove the Bobcat over and helped me up. We did laugh but I was a mess and had to go clean up. If you've ever spent any amount of time on a farm around animals and manure, you know that you specifically have clothes you wear only to the barn if you are spending any amount of time there, because the smell permeates every thread of your clothing and there isn't any amount of washing that's gonna change that. I was thankful to have learned that early on because the clothes I was wearing were not usable anywhere else but the barn, especially after this. Ha ha
     When I was up and about, done laughing and able to move, he had asked me why I had stopped moving (which is what got me stuck). I said I had heard a slight noise behind me and stopped for a second to look. All the cows had been moved out so I couldn't figure out what it was...it was a cat up in the rafters. Ha ha.
     In our lives we walk through a lot of crap...yep it's true. Some days it's easier to maneuver than others and we are able to move through it. Other days however it seems so deep, thick, pasty, and nasty and carries an odor that wants to permeate ever inch of you if we let it.  The truth here is that looking backward isn't productive to moving forward. God wants us to keep our eyes fixed on Him and whatever you do, DON'T STOP, and don't look back. If you do, you may find yourself, once again, covered in poo from the past. Thank God we have a forgiving and loving Father who is there to help us every step of the way...especially when we fall. His Son paid the price to cleanse us from our sin. We've got to continue to move forward in the race He has for us, not stopping to look back, but keeping the momentum going forward, even when the crap is trying to pull us down in the process. I don't know what I'd ever do without Him, all my hope lies in Him. Without Him I'm sure I'd feel completely stuck in the crap and helpless. Praise God for His love and mercy. Bless you today as we all maneuver through life's obstacles and circumstances, and remember to keep moving forward with your eyes fixed on Him.

Its Going To Be Ok......Is it?

      Have you ever been dealing with a situation where you feel like everything is falling apart or that they couldn't get any worse.  I have, many times.  The unexpected happens, all the time.  That is why they call it "the unexpected".   I am not, by any means, belittling these moments in any way shape or form.  They can be down right some of the toughest moments of your life, without question.
I remember in high school having my first break up, feeling like I would never get through it, my heart in pieces.  I remember losing a neighbor friend I had grown up with after he had been killed in a car accident and how the loss rocked his family and our neighborhood.  I remember my Father, who had suffered from alcoholism who, one year, forgot my birthday.  I remember doing things that disappointed my parents, and having to face the consequences.  I remember losing one of my best friends due to changing of seasons and he chose to walk away and bawling my eyes out.  The loss of my first student killed in a car accident.  I remember dealing with the consequences of the loss of a relationship I had clearly misjudged from the start.  I remember the devastating loss of my husband Todd to death, and then my father 4 months later.  Unexpected bills and expenses and the list goes on and on......This doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of things I could have listed.
     If you are breathing, you have indeed been in a position where you weren't sure if you were going to make it out to the other side of the mountain.  You may remember asking yourself, "Am I going to make it?", "Will I survive this?", or "How am I ever going to do this?".
God doesn't promise of a life without pain or circumstances, but He does promise to be there and give you strength and comfort and to light the way.

There have been many times  in my life where I just wanted to quit. I even remember stating to Him, "Lord you said you would help me!" and " Lord I can’t do it without you!"  
 It is so incredibly true that we cant do it without God,  we are nothing without Him.
God will help us in all our trials. Sometimes, the true honest question in life is wondering WHY some things would happen. I'm not going to lie, I don't know why some things happen, but I do know that it is the enemy that comes to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10).  I also know however that God uses all things to work together for our good (Romans 8:28), and also there is a season for everything and a purpose under Heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1) Regardless of where you are going, or what is staring you in the face, don’t trust in your situation and don’t look to what is seen. All the trials you go through in life are making you stronger. You will see God working in your life if you’re a Christian. You won’t remain in those trials, so don’t give up. You will go through trials and get out and then go back in them, but always remember the mighty hand of God is at work. 
Joy confuses the enemy.  oh yes, I can hear you now...."JOY, RIGHT NOW?!.....you have got to be kidding me!"  Yes, joy confuses the enemy.  Scrape together what ever bit of joy you can muster up, even if its merely squeaking out a smile.  Even when, ESPECIALLY WHEN, you don't feel like it.  With that being said, I am not saying not to cry, just don't drown in your own tears because the enemy gains more ground.   Don’t waste your trials go ahead into that prayer closet and cry out to God. Glorify God in your suffering. God will help you have faith. (know that I need reminders of this too.  I am sure I will need to come back and read this again for myself at some point.)  Don’t take my word for it believe in His promises. 
     Look back in your life and its trials, and ask yourself if you are still breathing and have a pulse....(I'll give you a second to check).  Then you are still alive.  How many things have you walked through in your life and you've wondered if you ever would make it?  If you have a trial and you have come to it, well then KNOW without a doubt that God WILL bring you THROUGH IT.  It may be different then you had planned or different than you imagined, but you WILL end up on the other side of the mountain in His timing and in His way.  Whatever you do, DON'T STOP, DON'T QUIT, DON'T GIVE UP, just keep moving forward KNOWING that it IS going to be ok because His mighty hand is upon you and is already at work.  He knew the path you would come to before you did and He has a clear view of the other side of the mountain.  Trust Him, even when, especially when you don't understand.
 Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Reflection - Being the Change You Want To See

     It is true that today is my 46th birthday.  To be honest in my heart, I feel often like I'm in my 20's and some days my body feels 80 ha ha, but that is life.  The truth of the matter is that even though I'm now 46 instead of 45, its just a number.  I'm happy, my spirit is beaming inside because God is so incredibly good.  Some days are hard, some days are easy, and some days I'd like to call out a mulligan and do them over.
  As I reflect on the last year, its had its moments both good and bad.  I'm in the second year of teaching at my school but overall, my 22nd year of teaching, its been the hardest year of my career yet both physically and mentally. I, however, would not have traded it, as both the lessons and the rewards were all worth it, even on the days I felt like giving up, God would show His face and sprinkle a reminder of why I am where He has me at this very moment.
  In my home life, my kids kept me running constantly, and in marriage I am blessed to have a husband who "gets" my heart and understands it.  In all marriages, it takes work, they ALL take work.  Often people believe that you just fall in love and live happily ever after.  You can, but it, love, truly is a choice,  with some days that are easier than others and that is the honest truth. In my home, Christ is the center, and that may be the only perfect thing in our entire home - Christ himself.   There are days that you all love each other madly and then there are days that you'd like to string each other up by their toes.  You love, you yell, and cry,  you love more, and forgive, and love, kiss, hug and laugh and you grow and love. Our house gets messy, because we live there, and keeping it clean is a constant, never ending chore.  If you stop over I cant promise that there wont be dishes in the sink, but I've learned that they will still be there in the morning and that time with family and friends is far more precious.  I've learned that "this too shall pass" even when it feels like it wont, it usually does.   I am learning that even though I strive at communicating my thoughts, that not everyone is wired that way, and its okay.  I've also learned to be silent, but the WHEN to be silent I am still working through ;)
   I've learned that family is not just people that you share blood with.  I've been blessed with another incredible year of amazing God ordained friendships.  I have learned that its not about who you have known the longest but its about those who are there when things are both good and when things are falling apart.  I've learned that its about those who will speak truth to you in love always, and still be there to wipe your tears because that truth might hurt a little. I've also learned that those same people will admit and apologize if they've done wrong. I've been reminded many times over that some of my relationships with people do not fit the "traditional" mold and people who don't know my heart, get their panties in a wad when it doesn't.  I've learned that it is less to do with me and more to do with their own heart and thinking. 
  I've learned to deeply appreciate those who are REAL in my life at all times.  This year, I've watched friends walk through tragedy of loss and triumph of victory, where we have both cried hard tears and laughed together where your tears wanna run down your leg. 
 I've walked through the motions, and tears, of begging God not to move one of my closest and best friends across the county, when it was a possibility, all the while asking forgiveness if I was being selfish still asking God to do His will and not mine. (although I wanted Gods will to match my own - just being real).  
I've learned even more that when you step out of "the box" that the air is far more fresh than you could even imagine, and I'll never go back to a box mentality again.  I've learned that true freedom might seem to cost you something (like stepping into the unknown), but that the payoff of blessings is beyond bigger than you could ever possibly begin to imagine.
I've learned even more, that Gods plan is bigger, more beautiful than I can still begin to comprehend, and just when I think that something is pretty amazing, He has shown me how its just a glimpse of what amazing actually looks like from His perspective.  
Most of all I have learned even more to be a reflection of what you want to see.  If you want love, then love with all your heart.  If you want truth then tell the truth at all times.  If you want compassion, be compassionate.  If you want realness in others, then be authentic in ALL things without motive.
Most of all, to realize that you may never see this given back to you, but to DO IT ANYWAY.  Be the reflection of what you want to see.

The Sound of Silence

     Such an odd thing, as I was driving down the road by myself, the Lord led me to think about silence.  Seems kind of odd, but I am always game for having Him show me things even when they seem "out of the blue". 
 I began to think about silence.  In my life I have dealt with varying forms of silence.  Right now,  I am enjoying my summer break, and I am quite fascinated by the silence that I don't often get to entertain during the school year, and I am okay with it.  My kids on the other hand, not so much.
Depending on how you look at it, silence can be perceived as both a good and bad thing.  Lets think for a moment about being in a conversation and there is silence in the middle of it.  Is it awkward silence or welcomed?  Just this weekend I was with some friends and we were traveling back from a long fun day at the beach.  The entire day had been filled with conversation and laughter.  At one point on the drive back, the truck with 5 people in it, became silent because we were all tired and everyone was just in their own world.  It was not an awkward silence at all, but nice to just be in each others company without any demand of conversation or space filling.  No expectations but just pure relaxation, we were all comfortable with each other to just be quiet and know it was ok.  
There have been other times I have been with people and there was that awkward silence in the midst of conversation and you didn't know what to say but felt that something needed to fill the space because otherwise it was just weird.  
There are so many different kinds of silence.  The silence when someone does not return a text and your expectation is that they will.  The silence when your children are in another room and you know they must be up to something because it is too quiet.  The silence after a long busy day and you get home and kick off your shoes and shut off your phone.
The deafening silence that happens after a loved one passes away and the funeral is over and the world has moved on, but you are not ready.  The silence after someone moves out or moves away and their room is empty.  The silence of a loss of a beloved pet, where you would give anything to hear their bark, or their paws across the kitchen floor once more.
    In our busy world, silence is not often welcomed or it is considered faux pas.  We work hard at filling the silence with noise, things, people.  Sometimes its good to just take a look at the silence and accept it for what it is.  To me silence is reflective.  I think people often fight silence because in the silence we are forced to reflect.  We either reflect on the situation, our feelings, our pain, but most of all the truth of a situation.  
   When my husband passed away, and life moved forward whether I was ready or not, I remember the silence, the painful silence.  The struggle was truly real.  Often people choose to never face the silence but instead use fillers to avoid it, that in the end can sometimes do more damage than good.  Personally for me, the silence made me come face to face with my pain, the pain of loss staring me blatantly in the face.  I was forced to see how exactly I was feeling both emotionally and physically and the pain that filled the depths of my soul, as I  felt like my heart was being ripped out.  I was forced to see that if I did nothing, I felt as though the pain would kill me.  I was forced to make a choice.  I chose at that time to cry out in the silence, to my Heavenly Father who comforted me time and time again and spoke healing words and life to me in that vary silence.
Silence in any situation, in my opinion is a chance for clarity.  It forces you to look deeper.  Even when you are having a conversation with someone that is serious, you are told to pause (silence) before giving a response.  When you are engaged in any kind of conversation with someone and there is a long silence, or maybe you never get a response, there is some clarity in that...possibly that silence is your answer.  What is there to be learned in the silence you are experiencing? 
God encourages us to get quiet (silence) for many reasons.  I think my favorite verse out of the many is Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God....".  
Personally, in my silence, I can clearly and reflectively hear His voice far more, as He guides and directs me on His path.
     Silence isn't always easy, especially if you are busy like I am, but it doesn't have to be awkward, its all in perspective.    In the silence the enemy will try his best to torment you, but run to God first to shut out the noise of the enemies chatter, and call on the name of Jesus.   Silence is a way to discover possibly what God has before you or what He is trying to show you.  Silence is a chance to soak in His peace letting it pour over you like rain.  I am finding that the older I get that silence at times is a necessity to collect myself and my thoughts and to slow my world down.   Don't run from silence, but instead embrace it, and discover the truths behind it. If you cant see it, He'll show you, just ask, but then be sure you are quiet so you can hear His voice with the answer.

Peace in His Presence

    Today I was editing some pictures and came across a recent picture of when we were in the Bahamas.  My daughters and myself went this spring with some family for a week, and had a really great time.  My husband was unable to go with us due to his work but encouraged us to go.  Its not the first time and probably wont be the last time that we travel separate from my husband, its just kind of the way our jobs and vacations have worked out.  I am looking forward to the day when we can once again be on a vacation together.  While looking at a particular picture from that vacation, I remember having a great time but starting to feel grouchy toward the end of the week because I missed my husband so bad.  We talked nightly but it just wasn't the same as being with him.    I recall mentioning it to my oldest daughter who reminded me that this happens every time I am away from him for a few days....Momma starts to get grumpy.  I laughed, but it was true and made sense to me.  My husband and I are ONE, and my heart feels like it is missing a piece when we are apart.  I know in December when my girls were away visiting their aunt in Alabama, I was feeling that same way after a few days and couldn't wait for them to get back so I would feel like things were "right" again.  When I am away from my best friends for a period of time, I really really miss them and when we get together finally, it feels like a huge refreshing.  Almost like walking in the desert for awhile and then finally having Niagara Falls dumped over you when you finally and joyfully get to gather together. 
 When we are together,  all these beautiful pieces of my heart, it makes sense to me that I feel "right" again.  I can not explain it except that it is something that makes sense to me in the Spirit, things that God has brought together.  Now imagine that with God only magnified.
I know when things in my life have gotten busy with work, school, activities for the kids, sports, ministry, or I have what seems to be a million things on my mind etc.....and I feel like I haven't stopped to sit down and focus, breathe and just rest and be in the presence of God....things just don't feel right.  They feel chaotic, like my world is spinning, and I get really, really REALLY grouchy.
This is when I KNOW I need to STOP and get away from the noise.  Its when I know I need to shut out the rest of the world, turn my phone off, step away and just breathe in His presence.  Often the place that I immediately gravitate to is my piano to worship.  It is often after my husband has taken the kids to school and I have an hour to myself.  Sometimes, however,  it can't wait until that time.  If I am going to have any kind of peace, and get to a place where, regardless of my circumstances, I know where my heart feels the  most whole,  and that is in His presence.   I just will STOP, and breathe and begin to hum or sing in worship.  I might just close my eyes, breathe deep and being to thank Him and praise Him for all of His blessings He has bestowed upon me in my life.  
Its one thing to be away from our family and closest friends, but its another to be away from God.  We NEVER have to actually be away from God, He is always there.  It is up to us whether or not we take time and soak in His presence.  I could never imagine being in a room with those closest and dearest to my heart and just ignore the fact that they are right there, so why do we do it with God?  Ouch!
God is pleased to dwell, not to just visit once in awhile, but to dwell and make an abode.  In my heart I want His presence more than I want anything else, but I have to live a life that is conducive to welcome that presence.  When I get caught up in life and its business, then I miss it.  When I miss it, I notice it and it has a tremendous effect on my attitude.  My attitude then affects those around me.  We cant help but be away from our loved ones at times, but we are blessed with the fact that we never have to be away from the very One who loves us more that anyone on this Earth could ever begin to.  Our Heavenly Father wants to be present in our daily lives, from second to second.  He, however, is a gentleman and will not force Himself upon you.  I can tell you from experience though, that to live a life of peace, regardless of circumstances means to acknowledge Him in everything you do and He will be that peace in your life that passes all understanding. 

A Transformation - "Weight" Loss.

   
     Yesterday I was having lunch with one of my very best friends.  We were talking about weight loss.  He and I have both lost weight in the last several months.  He shared with me a funny story about an incident where he realized he'd lost enough weight that it effected how his clothing stayed or didn't stay on his body while he was running and playing around with friends.  Apparently they all had a good laugh.  Then we talked about different things people had said when they had noticed we had each lost weight and were surprised at the change.  He simply commented what I already knew, and that it was a change in diet.  Eating differently.  What you put in your body makes all the difference in the world.
    This morning the Lord reminded me of my friends funny story but then took it one step further.  What ever we set our thinking on is going to have an effect on what stays with us and what gets sown into our hearts.
We've all been through some junk in our lives, more than we may even want to admit to.  I had an alcoholic father, that has left some residue in my life.  I also have lost quite a bit in my life in various ways through divorce and also being widowed  that has left its own residue.  Through much of that pain in my life I think for some time I believed that I was not worthy of anything or anyone.  I believed that I was damaged goods, and that nobody would want me and that I was never good enough.  This started at an early age.    I became fearful in many areas of my life.  I ingested those thoughts every day and those lies got down into my soul.  Those thoughts became part of what I carried around with me because I believed them.  I worked hard to try to rid myself of them by "over achieving", by "people pleasing" but I had allow those thoughts, and the way I saw myself or thought of myself to adhere themselves to my life.
It was not until I began to ingest the Word of God regularly and truly allow it to manifest into my heart and soul did I begin to see myself differently.  To see myself the way that God sees me.

Romans 10:17  So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

Physical weight loss is a transformation over time by changing diet and increasing physical activity.  Changing our "stinkin thinkin" is the same.  We will never be transformed in our minds and ultimately our hearts of what we believe in ourselves if we are unaware of what God says about us.

Romans 12:2

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Just like it takes time to lose the weight, it also takes time to renew our minds into understanding that God did not create junk when He created us.  You want the stinky thoughts to fall off you like shorts that no longer fit properly?  Then you need to change what you are feeding your mind.  

Below is a great start and foundation of renewing your mind:

• I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Galatians 2:20)
• The Son has set me free. I am free indeed! (John 8:36)
• My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19)
• I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
• He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)
• There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)
• Nothing can ever separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:38-39)
• In all things God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)
• God is faithful. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
• God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
• My light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17)
• He is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within me. (Ephesians 3:20)
• God is for me! Who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)

God does not make junk!

You are valuable, you are prescious and made with a purpose.

  Begin to lose all the things that you have ingested from this world 

and the circumstances that you have walk through and instead 

digest what the Creator intended.  If you can recognize how 

valuable you are in His eyes, you will begin to be transformed from

 the inside out.  Here is what God says about just how valuable you

 are:

I am the Creator and you are my creation. I breathed into your nostrils the breath of life (Genesis 2:7). I created you in my own image (Genesis 1:27). My eyes saw your unformed substance (Psalm 139:16). I knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). I know the number of hairs on your head, and before a word is on your tongue I know it (Matthew 10:30; Psalm 139:4). You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

You are more valuable than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31). I have given you dominion over all sheep and oxen and all beasts of the field and birds of the heavens and fish of the sea (Psalm 8:6–8; Genesis 1:26, 28). I have crowned you with glory and honor as the pinnacle and final act of the six days of creation (Psalm 8:5; Genesis 1:26).

However, from the very beginning, you exchanged the truth about me for a lie. You worshiped and served created things rather than me, the Creator (Romans 1:25). You have sinned and fallen short of my glory (Romans 3:23). Just as I said to Adam and Eve, the penalty for your sin is death (Romans 6:23;Genesis 2:17). And in your sin, you were spiritually dead (Ephesians 2:1). You were children of wrath, living as enemies to me (Ephesians 2:3; Romans 5:10). You turned aside from me. You became corrupt. There is none who does good, not even one (Psalm 14:2–3). What you deserve is my righteous judgment (Psalm 7:11–12).

And yet, in my great love, I gave my unique Son, that all those who believe in him will not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16). While you were still sinners, Christ died for you. While you were still hostile toward me, you were reconciled to me by the death of my Son (Romans 5:8, 10). Sin doesn’t have the last word. Grace does (Romans 5:20).

Now everyone who calls on the name of Jesus will be saved (Romans 10:13). You who have believed are born again (1 Peter 1:3). I have adopted you (Ephesians 1:5). You are children of God, heirs of God (1 John 3:2;Romans 8:16–17). You are no longer orphans. You belong to me (John 14:18;1 Corinthians 6:19). And I love you as a perfect Father (1 John 3:1;Luke 15:20–24).

     My passion is that you know that He's an amazing God who loves you and He wants you to love yourself and see yourself the way that He does.  It starts by getting rid of the old and ingesting the new.  Renew your mind daily with His Word.  I don't care where you have walked, its time to leave the past behind and move into all that God has for you, but it has to start with you.  Often I think we get used to carrying around the weight and heaviness of what we have believed about ourselves for so long that we don't even begin to realize the damage that we have allowed it to cause.  We've become so used to feeling a certain way about ourselves that we cant imagine things being different or anyone seeing us differently. We have become accustomed to behaving a certain way because we have done it for so long.  When we keep unhealthy physical weight on us for too long, it effects our over all health beyond just the strain of our bones and muscles. It can result in High blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, etc... 
Believing lies about ourselves that the enemy places there, does the same thing.  It slowly destroys your self esteem, self confidence, makes us needy and insecure.   God, however, intends for us to walk in Freedom.  People are always going to have something to say to you or about you, and can surely be hurtful.  What are you ingesting and allowing in your diet?  Start a new lifestyle today by only taking in and digesting what Gods Word says about you, spitting anything else out, and let the transformation begin.   God bless you.

The Struggle Not to Squeeze

     Today I am struggling.  I am not going to lie.  A friend of my daughters, a former classmate, and a former student and player of mine, was killed last night in a car accident.  Our house has been heavy hearted for this family.  This beautiful, vibrant, 16 year old girl, hit by another driver who failed to stop at a stop sign. 
So many things running through my head as tears have run from my face.  My heart aches for the mother. I ache for the whole family, but I am a mother.   I could not even begin to imagine the pain of loss as a mother, I pray to God that I never have to know that pain.  I am familiar with loss, the excruciating, devastating pain of losing someone close to you that you love with your whole heart.  I never want to walk through that pain ever again, but at some point it happens to all of us.  Death, is imminent for everyone who is presently alive.  We will all die and will eventually will all lose someone we love.
So how do we handle it?  How do we walk through it?  There is no simple formula for dealing with grief.  Yes, there are the 12 step programs, but its different for everyone. I believe grief can truly last a lifetime when you are grieving someone close to you.  Time heals, but the scar, always present.
     Today for me, the fear of loss is real.  Every time I watch someone else walk through it, part of me grieves again deeply because I remember the pain, and we all hold those close to us a little tighter.  Today I found myself gripped in fear.  This beautiful life lost too soon, nearly the same age as my oldest daughter.  They went to school together in elementary, played sports together.  She had just gotten her license not too long ago.  Yesterday, of all days, my daughter also received her official certificate for completing her Drivers Ed. course.  Normally upon getting such a thing, I would be excited for her, but it came yesterday night, after finding out about our friends loss, and I really just wanted to just tear it up in to pieces.  The thought of letting my girl out on the road after such a tragedy...I want to scream NEVER!!  That, however, isn't a realistic answer, but right now its the answer that feels right although I know I wont stick to it.  The thought of it, does however, make me sick. 
     Fear,  I hate that word.  Ive written a lot about it because its been a prevalent battle in my life.  I know in my heart and from the Word of God, that God does not give us the spirit of fear, but sometimes my flesh is just soooo weak against it.
2 Timothy 1:7 
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  
Fear makes you want to sweep up everyone close to you and hold them so tightly that you wont lose them.  However the ripple effect of doing that actually leads to loss.  If you try and hold on to anything, something so tightly, you WILL squeeze the life out of it.  Whether it be a person or a relationship of some sort.  A fearful person is a controlling person.  We think that if we can control a person or situation that it will keep us from getting hurt, but the opposite is actually true.  Being controlling and holding tightly causes a person to run the opposite direction if you haven't already pushed them away.  So what do we do?  We have to trust God.  As I am typing I am reminding my own heart of this truth.  Faith is trusting that God will do what He says He will do.  Faith is letting go and letting God. Tomorrow is never promised for any of us.
    I remember sitting on a plane getting ready for take off.  I began thinking about "why in the world am I on this plane?  Am I crazy?"  I remember thinking that I was fine with roller coasters because they were attached to the ground, but this plane....hanging in the air with nothing but aerodynamics holding that bad boy up....have I lost my mind?  At that moment the Lord said to me...."Jen, you don't even have control of your next breath".  This thought sobered my thinking right up.  I thought..."you are right Lord."  I can try to make myself breathe, try and inhale...but truly absolutely zero control over it or if I can make the next one come.
This thought actually helped me realize what I was doing in my freaking out.  I was then reminded that I am NOTHING without God.  I was reminded that I need to turn it all over to Him and let go and just breath, for however long I am given.
After 9/11, I remember wishing that Kennedy was back in my belly so that she would be more protected.....but would she really?
Even as babies grow, eventually they need out of the womb or they will be smothered to death due to lack of space.  It could also kill the mother carrying the baby because the body is not meant to withstand such a thing.  Its the same in life.  Id like to keep my children close to me and safe, but there is only a limited amount of ways that I can protect.  I have to let them go.  If I hold on, they will not grow, they will begin to suffocate and will do one of two things...it will stunt their growth which will kill their potential or they will rebel from the suffocation and run....neither outcome do I want.
As much as fear wants to make me hold on to my loved ones tightly, they don't really belong to us, and its not what God intended.  Our loved ones are in our lives for a time, for a season.  This is why it is so important that we know Christ as our personal Savior.  You will hear a whole lot of things after people die, but the Bible speaks clearly of this and the truth, the only way to get to Heaven. 
John 14:6  Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

I am so thankful to know that my daughters friend had a personal relationship with Christ, and I don't question for one second  where she is, I know that she is in Heaven in the arms of Jesus.

In the meanwhile, we have to let go and just let God. Taking advantage of each moment and not taking any time for granted.  It is easy to do.  It is easy to get lost in the busy things happening in our lives.  We just have to move forward trusting God, knowing that He is our present hope in time of need.  He is our comforter.  We may not know what the next moment brings, or even if we will have a next breath.  However, we can't hold so tightly to them that there is no space to grow.  We all need space to become all we are meant to be.  The struggle is so real, I want to do it right now, hold tightly never letting my kids out of my sight, but I know I cant.  Fear and control become a prison of our own making if we let it.  Instead we need to hand the keys to Him and let him lead us to freedom.  There are no guarantees except that the sweet assurance that when we know Him, and make Him THEE personal Savior of our lives that we will be joined eventually with all those who have gone before us and those that will follow who have done the same.  All my hope is in You Lord, so I release my grip knowing you hold us all in the palm of your hand.