So many things running through my head as tears have run from my face. My heart aches for the mother. I ache for the whole family, but I am a mother. I could not even begin to imagine the pain of loss as a mother, I pray to God that I never have to know that pain. I am familiar with loss, the excruciating, devastating pain of losing someone close to you that you love with your whole heart. I never want to walk through that pain ever again, but at some point it happens to all of us. Death, is imminent for everyone who is presently alive. We will all die and will eventually will all lose someone we love.
So how do we handle it? How do we walk through it? There is no simple formula for dealing with grief. Yes, there are the 12 step programs, but its different for everyone. I believe grief can truly last a lifetime when you are grieving someone close to you. Time heals, but the scar, always present.
Today for me, the fear of loss is real. Every time I watch someone else walk through it, part of me grieves again deeply because I remember the pain, and we all hold those close to us a little tighter. Today I found myself gripped in fear. This beautiful life lost too soon, nearly the same age as my oldest daughter. They went to school together in elementary, played sports together. She had just gotten her license not too long ago. Yesterday, of all days, my daughter also received her official certificate for completing her Drivers Ed. course. Normally upon getting such a thing, I would be excited for her, but it came yesterday night, after finding out about our friends loss, and I really just wanted to just tear it up in to pieces. The thought of letting my girl out on the road after such a tragedy...I want to scream NEVER!! That, however, isn't a realistic answer, but right now its the answer that feels right although I know I wont stick to it. The thought of it, does however, make me sick.
Fear, I hate that word. Ive written a lot about it because its been a prevalent battle in my life. I know in my heart and from the Word of God, that God does not give us the spirit of fear, but sometimes my flesh is just soooo weak against it.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Fear makes you want to sweep up everyone close to you and hold them so tightly that you wont lose them. However the ripple effect of doing that actually leads to loss. If you try and hold on to anything, something so tightly, you WILL squeeze the life out of it. Whether it be a person or a relationship of some sort. A fearful person is a controlling person. We think that if we can control a person or situation that it will keep us from getting hurt, but the opposite is actually true. Being controlling and holding tightly causes a person to run the opposite direction if you haven't already pushed them away. So what do we do? We have to trust God. As I am typing I am reminding my own heart of this truth. Faith is trusting that God will do what He says He will do. Faith is letting go and letting God. Tomorrow is never promised for any of us.
I remember sitting on a plane getting ready for take off. I began thinking about "why in the world am I on this plane? Am I crazy?" I remember thinking that I was fine with roller coasters because they were attached to the ground, but this plane....hanging in the air with nothing but aerodynamics holding that bad boy up....have I lost my mind? At that moment the Lord said to me...."Jen, you don't even have control of your next breath". This thought sobered my thinking right up. I thought..."you are right Lord." I can try to make myself breathe, try and inhale...but truly absolutely zero control over it or if I can make the next one come.
This thought actually helped me realize what I was doing in my freaking out. I was then reminded that I am NOTHING without God. I was reminded that I need to turn it all over to Him and let go and just breath, for however long I am given.
After 9/11, I remember wishing that Kennedy was back in my belly so that she would be more protected.....but would she really?
Even as babies grow, eventually they need out of the womb or they will be smothered to death due to lack of space. It could also kill the mother carrying the baby because the body is not meant to withstand such a thing. Its the same in life. Id like to keep my children close to me and safe, but there is only a limited amount of ways that I can protect. I have to let them go. If I hold on, they will not grow, they will begin to suffocate and will do one of two things...it will stunt their growth which will kill their potential or they will rebel from the suffocation and run....neither outcome do I want.
As much as fear wants to make me hold on to my loved ones tightly, they don't really belong to us, and its not what God intended. Our loved ones are in our lives for a time, for a season. This is why it is so important that we know Christ as our personal Savior. You will hear a whole lot of things after people die, but the Bible speaks clearly of this and the truth, the only way to get to Heaven.
John 14:6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
I am so thankful to know that my daughters friend had a personal relationship with Christ, and I don't question for one second where she is, I know that she is in Heaven in the arms of Jesus.
In the meanwhile, we have to let go and just let God. Taking advantage of each moment and not taking any time for granted. It is easy to do. It is easy to get lost in the busy things happening in our lives. We just have to move forward trusting God, knowing that He is our present hope in time of need. He is our comforter. We may not know what the next moment brings, or even if we will have a next breath. However, we can't hold so tightly to them that there is no space to grow. We all need space to become all we are meant to be. The struggle is so real, I want to do it right now, hold tightly never letting my kids out of my sight, but I know I cant. Fear and control become a prison of our own making if we let it. Instead we need to hand the keys to Him and let him lead us to freedom. There are no guarantees except that the sweet assurance that when we know Him, and make Him THEE personal Savior of our lives that we will be joined eventually with all those who have gone before us and those that will follow who have done the same. All my hope is in You Lord, so I release my grip knowing you hold us all in the palm of your hand.
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