When I look at my own life I've gone through seasons after loss. I went through a season of tremendous fear. A season so devastatingly fearful, that had not God intervened I may have had more loss to my life. Not loss to death, but loss to relationships of various kinds. Fear is something that can debilitate you if you don't get a hold of it. I was afraid to lose people close to me again so I became controlling and afraid to try things. It had a ripple effect on my family that can only add to the damage of loss itself. I've since been delivered after strong Godly counsel, but once in awhile that same fear of the past will try and grip me with various things. I'm a detailed planner. Some of that comes from thinking things through out of protection at a normal motherly level and then a whole other element is in place due to the pain of loss that is added to that planning. I'm always thinking about "what could go wrong?" We have to learn to live our lives using full wisdom in decisions AND using our faith in God and His promises. Fear tends to wipe all that out, trusting nobody but your own instincts, plans, motives etc... and that gets exhausting and its NOT living in the FREEDOM God intended, instead its a prison of your own making. Living like that, with lack of trust, not only tends to push others away, either from their doing, or from a standpoint from our own doing because we fear of being hurt again. We need to live life trusting His plan for our lives and following His direction, even when we don't understand - He still has us in the palm of His hand. I've been blessed with Godly mentors that have shown me this and continue to remind me of this along the way. Its a day to day battle of holding thoughts captive and determining their origin. Fearful thoughts are not of God. (2 Timothy 1:7)
I'm now in a season of gratitude - PRAISE THE LORD!!.
I recognize what it is to have lost and all the things I wished I would have done, said etc....things I wished I could have done differently, but didn't. Loss has filled me with a sense of embracing each moment and each person present in our lives. To love so fiercely that to the normal naked eye...you seem like a weirdo. I'm OK with that.
When my birthday was approaching my oldest daughter asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her that I didn't need anything, that I really had not given any thought about my birthday. She commented to me about how sad she thought that was. I told her that it wasn't sad at all because I am perfectly content with all that I have. I feel incredibly blessed with all God has given me and the family and friends that I have. I told her the best gift is when I get to hang out with those closest to my heart and simply enjoy having them in my life. Its not the "things" to me that are valuable its the intangibles that are priceless to me - things that can't be bought or forced.
As I lay in bed last night, knowing that I am having some of those closest to my heart over to be together today in my home, tears began to leak from my eyes - the happy kind. I'm so incredibly thankful for them. I began to thank God for each one of their presence in my life. They are family to me. For their gifts of friendship that have consisted of love, loyalty and trust not only to me but to my family. I'm thankful for each minute with them and I don't take it for granted. Of the group, I am the "picture taker"...and I often get teased about it and its OK with me. I purposefully capture times, even times that seems insignificant, on film because I am so incredibly thankful that I want to have those memories of those I love. I'm just so thankful for those God has given me, and I don't want to miss a moment.
I often hear people, after a loss, say..."don't take moments or anyone for granted." I never REALLY understood that until it was me who had actually walked through it. I don't think that a true level of full understanding is there until you can grasp the impact that loss can have, and then, even in some aspects, it may be too late. After loss, regardless of the kind loss, you actually still get to choose how to live out the rest of your life. You can't change what has happened in the past, but you get to choose moment by moment how you treat those who cross your path. Why wait until loss occurs?
I remember telling my best friend in a conversation one time; "I never want to have regrets", "I never want to look at my life ever again and wish I would have done or said more, so I do it now". "I never want anyone to look at my life and wonder how I felt about them".
I just want to encourage you to BE THE CHANGE. Don't wait until its too late - decide to sit down and look at your life, even if for just that moment, and be thankful for what and who you have. Tell people you love that you love them, and tell them why. Hug people. Thank people. Smile at people. Sure, some people wont get it and will talk about you, and that is OK but do it anyway. Tell the truth and be transparent. Live your life in such a way that people, even those who may not know you well, will associate you with His Love. Not because you ran around shouting it, but because you simply walked your life transparently showing it. Believe it or not, whether loss in your life has even happened - you get a choice daily, as long as you are still breathing, on how you live it. Be blessed.
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