Live Without Regret

     At 4:45 am this morning I was awoken with a friend on my mind.  Someone who is part of my heart with a, what I call, "grief anniversary" coming up tomorrow.  Its the anniversary of when they lost someone who was truly a part of their heart to death.  First, I was shocked that I would remember such a specific date, but then again it was also a shock to wake up and immediately think about it at 4:45 am, but that is God.  I've walked through plenty of significant and  types of loss in my life in various ways and I have seemed to remember dates of normal and wildly ridiculous things at times, but my heart is for people and God wired me this way.  Loss hurts...I don't care what kind of loss, or who you are....it's devastating.  After I finished praying about the above mentioned person who is remembering their own loss, I began thinking about how loss, different kinds of loss, changes people. 
When I look at my own life I've gone through seasons after loss.  I went through a season of tremendous fear.  A season so devastatingly fearful, that had not God intervened I may have had more loss to my life.  Not loss to death, but loss to relationships of various kinds.  Fear is something that can debilitate you if you don't get a hold of it.  I was afraid to lose people close to me again so I became controlling and afraid to try things.  It had a ripple effect on my family that can only add to the damage of loss itself.  I've since been delivered after strong Godly counsel, but once in awhile that same fear of the past will try and grip me with various things.  I'm a detailed planner.  Some of that comes from thinking things through out of protection at a normal motherly level and then a whole other element is in place due to the pain of loss that is added to that planning.  I'm always thinking about "what could go wrong?"  We have to learn to live our lives using full wisdom in decisions AND using our faith in God and His promises.  Fear tends to wipe all that out, trusting nobody but your own instincts, plans, motives etc... and that gets exhausting and its NOT living in the FREEDOM God intended, instead its a prison of your own making.  Living like that, with lack of trust, not only tends to push others away, either from their doing, or from a standpoint from our own doing because we fear of being hurt again.   We need to live life trusting His plan for our lives and following His direction, even when we don't understand - He still has us in the palm of His hand.   I've been blessed with Godly mentors that have shown me this and continue to remind me of this along the way.  Its a day to day battle of holding thoughts captive and determining their origin.  Fearful thoughts are not of God. (2 Timothy 1:7)
    I'm now in a season of gratitude - PRAISE THE LORD!!. 
I recognize what it is to have lost and all the things I wished I would have done, said etc....things I wished I could have done differently, but didn't.  Loss has filled me with a sense of embracing each moment and each person present in our lives.  To love so fiercely that to the normal naked eye...you seem like a weirdo.  I'm OK with that. 
   When my birthday was approaching my oldest daughter asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her that I didn't need anything, that I really had not given any thought about my birthday.  She commented to me about how sad she thought that was.  I told her that it wasn't sad at all because I am perfectly content with all that I have.  I feel incredibly blessed with all God has given me and the family and friends that I have.  I told her the best gift is when I get to hang out with those closest to my heart and simply enjoy having them in my life.  Its not the "things" to me that are valuable its the intangibles that are priceless to me - things that can't be bought or forced.
     As I lay in bed last night, knowing that I am having some of those closest to my heart over to be together today in my home, tears began to leak from my eyes - the happy kind.  I'm so incredibly thankful for them.  I began to thank God for each one of their presence in my life. They are family to me.  For their gifts of friendship that have consisted of love, loyalty and trust not only to me but to my family.  I'm thankful for each minute with them and I don't take it for granted.  Of the group, I am the "picture taker"...and I often get teased about it and its OK with me.  I purposefully capture times, even times that seems insignificant, on film because I am so incredibly thankful that I want to have those memories of those I love.  I'm just so thankful for those God has given me, and I don't want to miss a moment. 
I often hear people, after a loss, say..."don't take moments or anyone for granted."  I never REALLY understood that until it was me who had actually walked through it.  I don't think that a true level of full understanding is there until you can grasp the impact that loss can have, and then, even in some aspects, it may be too late.  After loss, regardless of the kind loss, you actually still get to choose how to live out the rest of your life.  You can't change what has happened in the past, but you get to choose moment by moment how you treat those who cross your path. Why wait until loss occurs?
I remember telling my best friend in a conversation one time;  "I never want to have regrets",  "I never want to look at my life ever again and wish I would have done or said more, so I do it now".  "I never want anyone to look at my life and wonder how I felt about them".
   I just want to encourage you to BE THE CHANGE.  Don't wait until its too late - decide to sit down and look at your life, even if for just that moment, and be thankful for what and who you have.  Tell people you love that you love them, and tell them why.  Hug people. Thank people. Smile at people.  Sure, some people wont get it and will talk about you, and that is OK but do it anyway.  Tell the truth and be transparent.  Live your life in such a way that people, even those who may not know you well, will associate you with His Love.  Not because you ran around shouting it, but because you simply walked your life transparently showing it.  Believe it or not, whether loss in your life has  even happened - you get a choice daily, as long as you are still breathing, on how you live it.  Be blessed.

Amazing Dad's - Happy Fathers Day!!!

     A topic I am thrilled to write about in my life is Fathers.  At one time in my life, long ago, I am not so sure I could have done such a thing.  I had struggled with feeling slightly rejected from my own father, and never felt like I was good enough, but as an adult I recognize truly, that this was really not the case at all.  My father, who didn't actually reject me,  struggled with his own personal battles.  He loved me, with all his heart, the very best way he knew how.  I see that so much more clearly as an adult.  I am thankful to my own mother as I was growing up, I NEVER heard her say ONE harsh word about my biological father - NOT ONE.  In her wisdom she knew it would not do any good, but instead she was positive, supportive and encouraging to the best of her ability. 
 I too was also blessed with an amazing step-father who loves me as his own.  Who has spent beyond his share of money, time,  blood, sweat, and tears on me over the years trying to get my butt on the right path, whom I know, because of his deep love for me, would do it all over again in a heart beat.
 My husband, who when we married, became an instant father to my then five year old. He was in her life as a father figure from the time she turned two, and truly is the only father she remembers as her own loving father passed away when she was a tiny baby.  God has surely blessed me in this area of fathers.  This is not a statement I could have made earlier in my life, but I see clearly now that its so true....and it really doesn't stop there.  This is what amazing fathers do. 
     I feel that fathers get the short end of the stick so often and it stirs something up in me that is not pretty when I see this happen.  I am fully aware, as a mother myself, that we as mothers are the ones who carry the child for 9 months or longer because God created us with such a blessing, but this did not happen because of our own doing.  We as mothers have an amazing sense and connection to our children because of this bond.  I would not think to change that for anything as its a blessing from God.  We may THINK they are truly OUR children, but we are only HALF of that equation.  Dads truly are more than just sperm donors or child support check writers.  I can hear some of you ladies out there grunting...calm yourself and breathe.  I truly understand that there are the few who have dropped the ball of responsibility and are not "present" due to whatever circumstances.  Though the same grunting could be said about some mothers out there, as well as the mothers who speak poorly about the fathers to their children, or who keep their children from their fathers using them as pawns simply for their own self-centeredness. This, however, is not the focus of my writing.  Regardless of whatever your experience,  Dads are a true gift from God and there is a reason God has placed on them such a responsibility...its not for nought.  Their roles and the effect of them on our lives should be celebrated.  All kids need their fathers, no different than we need our heavenly Father.
    I remember when my daughter was a tiny toddler.  It, at that point was just she and I for awhile since her father, my husband, had passed away when she was just 8 months old.  I remember when I started dating my husband now and then allowed my daughter and he to finally begin to bond.  I remember watching her blossom like a flower that had not had adequate sunlight or watering now begin to bloom, thrive and grow in a way that was mind blowing.  I was not aware she was lacking ANYTHING as I was fully taking care of her and loving her to the best of my ability, but now....NOW there was a man in her life.  Not just any man, but a STRONG Godly man.  It wasn't that I had done anything wrong in my raising of her, but this man who she now knows, and has known for nearly 16 years, was the father figure her heart dearly needed.  She has amazing grandfathers, but she needed the touch that only a father could give. 
Ladies, sometimes I think we truly need to get over ourselves in the thinking that because WE gave birth to them, and WE went through the physical labor and pain, and WE nursed them, wipe their butts, give medicine, and wipe their snotty noses more than Dads' do, that we are MORE valuable than they....this is just simply not the case.  ITS NOT A COMPETITION, nor was it ever intended to be.  Its a partnership whether you are "together" or not...each one truly has a purpose that God created.  Lets take a look at some great examples.  Although none of these men were perfect and made mistakes in their lives....they were still great fathers:

     Noah is an excellent father described in the Bible. He is famous for building an ark and believing in God when everyone around him called him crazy.
Noah didn't care that the world was against him. He had faith. He believed in God's word and he raised his children to believe the same.
When God's warning of a flood proved true, Noah saved his children from certain death and can be seen as the father of the new world, which flourished because he put in the work to build the ark and house two of each animal.
Today, fathers resemble Noah when they refuse to let what other people say bother them. True fathers love their children in whatever ways they know to love and they go above and beyond to protect their sons and daughters from anything threatening to harm them.

     Abraham was constantly challenged by God and he constantly met those challenges head-on. When he and his wife Sarai were unable to conceive, God blessed the couple with their son Isaac.
God challenged Abraham again by ordering Isaac be sacrificed. Though Abraham's heart was broken, he knew to trust in the Lord and at the last moment his hand was stilled by God and Isaac's life was spared.
Abraham's difficult life is a reflection of difficult lives still lived today.
Many modern fathers meet several challenges and learn, through experience, how to trust God. Once that trust is developed, fathers pass that unyielding faith and trust to their children, who grow to love God as well.

     Moses is famous of hearing and obeying the Word of God. He did several amazing things, including free the Hebrews from slavery in Egypt and returning from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments we all continue to live by today. 
Moses serves as an example of overcoming obstacles that seem impossible to conquer. Today, fathers must overcome several difficulties to help their children and serve as a reliable messengers of God's Word for their children.
Fathers everywhere can turn to Moses for encouragement and faith.

     King David's story, much like Moses', begins in childhood. Much like Moses, David encountered a series of trials and overcame each with the help of God.
Neither David nor the other fathers of the Bible were perfect but each asked forgiveness for their sins and lived on to spread God's Glory.
With God by his side, David defeated the giant Goliath, he survived slavery and near-death experiences and eventually grew to become one of Israel's greatest kings.
King David is an amazing example of a father figure who understands what it means to live through difficult times - as well as how to conquer them. Many fathers today would do well to learn from his examples.

     Though Jesus takes center stage, it is important to remember Joseph, Jesus' earthly father, was partially responsible for raising the Christ child.
Joseph ensured Jesus received an education in carpentry, ate well, was not in danger and grew to love God, the Father.
Joseph was a righteous man and was chosen to help care for Jesus as an earthly guardian.
Without Joseph's care, Jesus may not have grown in a loving home and wanting for nothing.
Joseph is a wonderful father figure for Jesus and the several children he later fathered. Each was a follower of Christ and refused to allow his wife to be humiliated or disgraced.
Today, fathers can learn to be compassionate, loving and righteous.

The one thing each of these Biblical fathers have in common is their faith in God. Each of these men believed God would bless them and turned to God in times of tribulation. Modern fathers would do well to learn to do the same to then turn and teach their children to trust in God as well. 

     As I think personally of each on of these men of the Bible, I can easily look into my own life and see Godly men who are fathers, who are JUST LIKE THEM.  Not perfect, but hearts running fast after Jesus.  These men,  have not only impacted their own children with their passionate fire for God, but they have affected mine in a way that allows me to blossom much like the description I gave earlier of my own daughter.  I am so incredibly thankful for the role of Dads, and those who continuously work hard to learn to be the best they can.

If you have a man in your life who is a father, stop looking for all you think might be wrong with them, but encourage, support and build them up, and ALLOW them to be the father they were created to be, and by all means CELEBRATE them. 
Happy Fathers Day to all those amazing Dads out there and thank you for all that you do!!

What About Boundaries

     I've been thinking this week a lot about boundaries.  Years ago we once had a neighbor who had a dog who used to constantly come in our yard and wreak havoc.  Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, all kinds of dogs, big or small, short or tall, etc.... but when your dog comes in my yard, gets my dog upset, and or damages our property, or keeps us awake barking through the night, I have a problem.  When this happened, my husband and I were very patient  when we spoke with our neighbor. We took the dog home various times until it became clear that our neighbor wasn't "getting it" and didn't seem to care what we thought anymore.  When damage occurred on our property from the dog (me getting it on video) and then our neighbor became angry that we were upset about it and threatened us. This is when we began to lose patience.  At this point we were left with no choice but to call the police when the dog would come into the yard.  Eventually, through a series of situations way beyond us, our neighbor is now not allowed to have any animals.  This was not something we caused for our neighbor, this is something that our neighbor, through a series of actions and lacking to take responsibility as well as honor boundaries, brought upon herself.  I remember how angry I was in the first place, that our neighbor was upset at us for calling the police after we had been so kind and asked repeatedly.  They did not understand that boundaries matter and that when boundaries are violated repeatedly, there are consequences for those actions. 
Whether we are talking dogs, property or people, boundaries matter considerably and we should honor and pay attention to them out of pure respect.  When that doesn't happen, consequences arise.

     The concept of boundaries is rooted in the nature of God Himself.  God defines Himself as a distinct, separate being, and He is responsible for Himself. He defines and takes responsibility for His personality by telling us what He thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes.

He defines Himself as separate from His creation and from us. He says, I am who I am and there is no other God but me. He says he is love and he is not darkness.

God limits what He will allow in His yard. He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior. He guards His house and will not allow evil things to go on there. He invites people in who will love Him, and He lets His love flow out to them at the same time. His gates open and close appropriately.

God made us in His image and likeness. We are also to take personal responsibility.

There is a reason that property lines are set up, so that it distinguishes a line between what is yours and theirs. Skin is a great boundary line because it separates us from what is yours and mine.  This is why those who have been sexually abused sometimes get boundaries confused, because they were taught early on that their property did not begin with their skin and as a result MAY struggle with defending their boundaries later. 

"No", is the most basic boundary setting word.  The Bible is very clear on this.

Mathew 5:7  "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  Sometimes if we don't say no quick enough or we are not direct enough, we open the floodgates and then our boundary lines are blurry and confuse others.

The Bible says we are to confront people we love saying, “No, that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that.” The word NO is also important in setting limits on abuse. Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to others’ sinful treatment of us. Matt. 18:15-20 tells you what to do when someone sins against you—how to confront them.

The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from RECOGNIZING evil. We can have broken spiritual and emotional “radar.” No ability to guard our hearts.

Matthew 18:15-20

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.  If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

“Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior. (Matthew 18:17-18)

Not sure if your boundaries have been crossed?  Pay attention to your feelings.  Whatever you are feeling, feelings are like the light on a car’s dashboard: they tell us that something needs attention. Anger is a hot feeling that says, “My boundary has been violated.” Don't ignore it or be made to feel guilty, especially by the very person who has crossed your boundary line.
After you have confronted the violator and they continue be controlling, here are some things to consider.

They have a problem hearing and accepting others’ boundaries. "No" is simply a challenge to change the other person’s mind. Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.

They tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone.  Manipulative controllers try to persuade people out of their boundaries and by doing so take away your choices. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way and force things to happen. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages, and will do and say things to try to gain your friendship.  Any friendship/ relationship that has to be forced will eventually fall.

Sometimes when people have had enough of the boundary breaking violator or  those who aren't getting it, the hard truth is that they may not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship/ friendship. This is a true risk and the consequences for not honoring boundaries. God does this every day. He says He will only do things the right way and that He will not participate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, He lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same only loving people from a distance. 

When we begin to set boundaries with people we care about, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss.

If you love them, this will be hard to watch, remember that your boundaries are both NECESSARY for you and HELPFUL for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit-setting may nudge them toward responsibility. 

Persistence

     Over the years I have watched my husband come upon various tasks in our house or with our vehicles that were broken or needed fixing etc... and although he may not have known how to fix it at the moment, he taught himself how and through trial and error and constantly learning was eventually successful.  He has taught me so much about persistence. Persistence is defined as "firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition." and this word has been floating around in my spirit all day.  

I remember early on in our marriage and things began to get challenging as we had both brought things into the marriage that we did not realize until we were married. He brought his own battles, but for me the struggle was with abandonment issues, and major  fear from being widowed earlier in life, caused me to be controlling and did not mesh well with a man who truly was trying to be the head of household God calls men to be.    We had to work it out in marriage counseling over the course of a few months.  The first time we went, things did not get fixed...it took persistence.  I remember the first time we went did not go well, it actually was pretty ugly, but God had His hand on us.  We, even though I am uncertain how much hope we had to work things out, we continued to be persistent and continued to go.  Each time we went each week, things slowly began to get clearer.  We slowly began to not only look at our own lives and things we needed to correct clearly, but we began to see each other through the eyes of Christ.  We learned much about ourselves and each other and had better tools to maneuver through the challenges of marriage.  Marriage is a huge blessing, as are any relationships God bring together, but they take work, they take persistence.  

When I think of my very closest friendships and my small circle of my best friends, I think of how easily those friendships came about, we just meshed like puzzle pieces only God could put together.  We have  many things and personality traits in common and seem to have the same blood pumping through our veins which could only be of God.  I don't always get to see these people daily, but I know that at any second of any hour, if I need them, they will be there without hesitation.  These friendship consist of  a deep loyalty, trust, and honesty.  It has not always been easy - let me explain.  When you are in such a relationship, committed as true friends, there are times where you have to speak hard truths because that is what real friendship is made of.  Although being friends is easy, it take persistence to have built such a trust in both good and bad times.  Persistence of loyalty and love in being there not just when the weather is fair, but when it is turbulent too. Persistence

    God calls us to be persistent in soooo much.  Think about it.  We are to run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  The definition of perseverance is: "steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success." which basically is identical to the definition of the word persistence.  

This means even in the way we love others.  Even those people who continue to be hurtful, self righteous, arrogant, jealous and flat out mean.....even those people, the ones who aren't so easy to love.  He calls us to be persistent in prayer, persistent in service, persistent no matter how difficult things get or how much people hurt our hearts or those we love...we still need to be persistent even in forgiveness. Ouch. 

    Because of my husbands persistence, I have watched him for years fix things on our cars and save us thousands of dollars. I have watched him refinish our entire basement after a flood we had years ago, and now I'm watching him work hard on fixing one room at a time upstairs to update the house, again saving us thousands.  

I thank God mostly that both he and I were persistent in the fight for our marriage early on so that we knew how to, not only love each other better, but be honest with ourselves about our stuggles.  Being persistent isn't always easy, actually it can be super hard, but we are called to do it regardless.  We are to be persistent in being persistent. ;)  

Galatians 6:9 

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

Philippians 3:14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:17  

Pray without ceasing,

1 Corinthians 15:58 

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

I thank God that He is persistent with us.  He never gives up on us despite how difficult or stupid we may get or how far away we may get from Him, He continues to pursue us persistently.  

He is also aware of our struggles, our heartbreaks and every tear we have shed that might make us want to quit and give up.  DON'T!  He knows your hurts and your pains, yet He is continuing to remind you to press on and press through the difficulties.  

Let me encourage you today to battle on and continue to be persistent in your walk in all He has called you to do.   To move forward and not shut down, especially when you feel like it, and to continue to love others the way He continues His love for us -  Persistently