Friendship....What is it?

This last weekend, which ended up being a four day weekend for me, went by so fast but it was such a great weekend. I've been wanting to have my closest friends over for awhile, but until volleyball season was done there was just no time. Although I wasn't able to have them all over because of their various, previously planned family activities, I was sure glad some could come. We certainly didn't lack for humor or entertainment. Next time we will get us ALL together. :)

I began to think (which is typical Jen), and reflect on what makes these people so special to me.....I could name a million things easily.  A couple of them I knew immediately upon meeting them that there was an immediate bond of friendship almost before words were spoken. Some I've spent years and years knowing and bonding. Some I've known approx.5-10 years and one of my closest and dearest, for only 2 years this fall, and another for 2 in December. It's not the amount of years though that matters to me in any of these friendships.  It's not even the gender of some, and I hear a lot of flack over that from people....but I laugh, because even my own husband has no issues because he knows my full heart on the matter,  so what others think or have to say is irrelevant to me. 

When I think on these people, there is a huge bond of trust.  It's a trust I've NEVER had to question. It's a trust that gives freedom of being able to be 100% me...no masks, pretending, no filters...just me. If that means me furiously angry, me hysterically freaking out,  me bawling my eyes out with snot dripping and make up down my face, or me jumping up and down, unrestrained peeing my pants laughing me....it's all ok. I've never had to force my way into their lives, it was an easy fit.  These people have been there not just in word but in truth AND deed.....even when it was hard. Some have had to talk me down or slap me with hard realities. They've held my hand or wiped my tears and fervently prayed for me at times I just couldn't find the words. They've cheered me on and reminded me of the song in my heart when I couldn't remember what I'd been singing.   The beauty in it all.....is that I've had the blessing of doing the same for them at various times, even if it was just a moment. They will all tell you that I'm an emotional, living out loud,  deep thinker and feeler of things,  but it's not just things about my own life but about theirs as well. When I'm in a friendship I know God has placed there clearly, and purposefully, make no mistake...I'm IN IT FULLY. They became family, and a girl STANDS with them, behind them, and often in front of them to protect, when that IS needed. 

I have lots of people I call friends, but only a handful of friends in my entire life that I consider family. This is not by accident but for such a time as this. For a super exciting time that God has a purpose and plan laid out long before any of us ever saw the womb. 

I talk a lot about my friendships. I value them deeply. They've taught me a ton about what true friendship is. It's a beautiful rarity, a treasure from God. We have, all of us, so much in common, but mostly it's a deep burning passion to run where the Lord is calling us relentlessly, and knowing that is truly all that matters....HIM. It's an understanding that our lives are created not about us, but about Him.  When the race gets tough, we are there to scream to each other,  "suck it up cupcake", to "you can do it" to "I'm so proud of you", to "love you",  and packing punches that will knock the T right off the word can't reminding us we CAN.  

It's taken me years to understand the true meaning of REAL RAW friendship and I am still learning...endlessly learning. 

Most of all I'm thankful that God looked at me and said "because I love you, I'm putting these amazing people in your life because they are part of the beautiful big picture". I am truly BEYOND blessed. 

Trying to Limit Conception

     In my job I get the blessing of teaching students both health and scientific facts.  I’m kind of a science and health geek because I love learning and teaching about the cool creation that God has made in the human body.

   Recently I read an article about how the body reacts to stress.  When couples are trying to conceive, stress makes it very difficult to do so for various reasons.

As I began to think on this, as I am finished having children, I thought that this information did not pertain to me, but yet I realize it does.  The Lord began to speak to me about my own life.  Here, in the last two weeks, I have been waking up at night 2 or 3 times sometimes with something on my mind….stressors. 

 My volleyball team just competed in Semi-state so I assumed it was that in all its excitement, but that competition was last weekend, and it still happening.  I then had to start looking at WHAT I was thinking of when I woke.  I have been thinking on things of the future.  I have a daughter who is now at 15, seeking out colleges and coaches because she has plans to play volleyball in a few years in college.  I’ve been worrying (although I know we are not supposed to), about where she will go, and although I have been able to save some money for college, it will not be near enough, so wondering how we are going to pay for it.  I have been thinking about the sudden items breaking down in our house that need repair,  or how I am going to get kids to this or that...etc... The list seems endless to me, but lately its been waking me up in the night, which should not be. 

 God does not want us to worry.  365 times in the Bible, is says “Do Not Fear”…this includes worry.  When we worry, we are not walking in faith.  Fear and faith cannot be in the same place.   Stress can cause infertility physically but can also cause us to not be able to conceive in the Spirit.  It is very difficult to conceive when you are in stress, fear or anxiety.  Stress is not a good breeding ground for miracles to be conceived.  It also makes it very difficult to hear His voice when all you hear are the thoughts of anxiety buzzing around.  His voice is heard best in peace and not in  “Chaotic Crazyville”.  God is a God of peace.

Stress is a tool that we hand right to the devil when we open the door to those thoughts – I am guilty.  He takes it and runs with it and wreaks havoc in our lives if we let him.  When he attacks, stress and anxiety comes, and fear comes.  We then begin to seek God out of desperation and not faith.  As long as we allow it to remain, it will be difficult to hear God and even more difficult to conceive the possible miracle that we need.

I find it interesting that reproductive systems in both humans and animals may shut down during times of stress and that the LAST thing the enemy wants is for a Christian to "reproduce", especially if they are ON FIRE for God.  If he can keep you in stress, he can keep you from spreading the Word and getting others born again or bringing others out of bondage and into freedom because they have heard Gods truth and experience revelation in their own lives.  If we are caught up in our own kingdom with stress, we cannot begin to help build Gods. 

There is no doubt that when attacks come it is extremely difficult to NOT be stressed, to not feel pressure of the attack.  Its difficult, but not impossible.

For me this was revelation knowledge that God brought into my mind.  When I know the enemy’s tactics, it helps me a lot.  Knowing that he is trying to keep me from conceiving what God has for me helps me.  Knowledge alone will help me recognize and overcome.  When I came to this realization I actually laughed out loud and thought "I dont think so devil!!"    I am not surprised at these attacks, as I am stepping into a new season, along awaited one, and I KNOW God has big plans for this season.

Isaiah 26:3 says that God will keep us in perfect peace when our mind is stayed upon Him. 

 He has done this in many times in my life, I have watched it over and over.  The problem occurs when we take our minds off of Him and lose focus while the enemy is breathing his stanky breath in our ears.  God, however, is the author of peace.  Jesus is the author and finisher of your faith.  If God is for us, who can be against us?  The enemy could not stop Him from reproducing and he can’t stop us either, if we stay in peace.  Keep your mind off the battle and on God, He will do the fighting for you. 

Obsession and The "F Word"

I, by nature, am an over-thinker. Sometimes its because I can't get my mind to shut off and another is because I am choosing to dissect things.  I am a true science geek at heart with a little bit of psychology thrown in the mix as I try to not only understand myself but those around me.
After having a conversation with one of my best friends, where we had briefly talked about the word "obsession" and it affects, I began to think more and more about that word, its meanings, and its root.  
Websters defines it as:
 "To preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent."

   In the world people are obsessed with money, people, things, fame, health, exercise, and a plethora of other things......., If we are honest, we are all probably obsessed with something in our lives.  I can tell you honestly that in my life I have struggled with being obsessed with my schedule and getting things done or being on time.  I have gotten much better over the last few years but I catch myself being that way at times.
I like to break things down and think about where they start....maybe I am "obsessed" with understanding people.  ha ha.  The definition talks about "becoming preoccupied or filling the mind", so at some point it begins with a thought or even a fantasy...a need that maybe we are trying to fill.  If this is the case, then in our minds, we must have felt a type of lack, or a fear of coming into lack.  Fear is a HUGE key here.  If I am speaking of my own life, my "obsession" with time and scheduling appears because I hate to be late.  The reason I hate to be late is because I do not want to miss out on something like time with family, friends or participating in an activity...valuable time.  Something in my life I deem very precious because one never knows when time is going to run out.
So again the root - FEAR...that "F word" again.  
If we are obsessed with things, or obsessed with someone, you have to ask yourself WHY?  I guarantee that if you trace it down to the root....its that "F word" Fear again.  
What is it that we are afraid of?   Fear is a tricky thing that in the long run can rob you of so very much in your life.  I like to use the "3 D's" to describe it.
Fear destroys, distorts, and discourages.    So much damage is already done before we even realize it.  That is the enemy's goal..."to steal kill and destroy" as stated in John 10:10.  He wants to kill your focus, steal your time and destroy your relationships.....that IS what obsession does.
The enemy WANTS you to be in fear of LACK, but what does the Bible say about lack?
I love these verses:  

Deuteronomy 2:7 "For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing."'

James 1:4 
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.


The Bible says so much more but I do love these verses.  God provides all we need, so if there is lack, or fear of it, God says we lack for nothing.  
He has also given us all we need and promises to supply all of our needs according
 to Philippians 4:19. 
If you are finding that you are dealing with obsession, trace it back and address the fear.  It is not God that gives us the spirit of fear, that instead comes from the enemy.  God gives us one of power and of love and of a sound mind according to 2 Timothy 1:7.  
I am NOT promoting obsession by any means, but if we are to be obsessed with anything, God wants us to be obsessed with Him.  We should be obsessed with hearing His voice and His direction and in fear of having things in our lives that keep us from hearing Him clearly.  If your focus is THOSE things and those alone, all else should fall into place and the need to obsess about anyone or anything is irrelevant.  Blessings

Holding the Boat

      Have you ever been out in a boat to head out for some water fun or fishing? I have, many times with my family. My husband, thankfully is very knowledgeable about boating and boats. He gets the boat off the trailer into the water, and without fail asks me to hold the boat to the dock, being careful not to let it bump against the dock, until he can get the truck and trailer up out of the water and parked in the parking lot, which sometimes can take awhile especially if he's waiting on other circumstances or trying to find a place to park. He tells us to wait for him before we get into the boat, and since he's the captain it's an important instruction to follow. To be honest, it's the part I hate of boating. Sometimes when I'm holding the boat, if there is any kind of waves, wind, or water turbulence, it can be a challenge as the boat is already going to the motion of the water which is normally moving away from the dock. Sometimes it really is stretching me and pulling me in awkward positions. I'm really ready to jump into the boat, but it's not ready yet and I know not to go against captains orders because I know the directions are there to keep me safe.  Often while I'm waiting,  I imagine the fun we are going to have, along with seeing the beauty of the lake as well as seeing the beauty of the sun and its warmth. I admittedly have become impatient waiting.
I feel like this right now in my life....like I'm holding the boat.  I'm ready to jump in, but right now the Captain is still working out the details of preparation, preparing to set sail. The waters seem turbulent and I want to just jump in, but I can't. Part of me is on the dock with part of me holding the boat while I wait on the Captain of my ship. I love deeply and feel deeply and I'm admittedly struggling and emotional at times, especially when I get caught off guard by a gust of wind or a big wave that I didn't see coming. I still, however, continue to trust the Captain of my ship even if it seems He's taking forever.  I still know I'm to wait on His direction. So I HOLD. In the meanwhile I'm stretching in maybe some awkward positions, but nevertheless I will HOLD knowing and trusting my Captain.

Walking It Out

    In the presence of God there is peace.  You have to go where your peace lies because all else is not peaceful. Such a simple but truthful statement. We all walk through difficult times but the key is walking it out. I listened to a message about moving forward yesterday and although I already knew the importance of moving forward I actually found my own self guilty of being in temporary avoidance mode. I know where my peace lies and I know what God is calling me to do but instead of walking through it and all its sometimes oncoming potholes, divots, and even smooth areas in the road, I tried to escape it, and side step it. I can't force a new season forth by avoiding the steps to get there.....even when the season is so close I can taste it. I still have to walk it out one step at a time. Each step is stretching me, strengthening me, teaching me to balance, reminding me to walk the best I can all the while practicing and demonstrating forgiveness, mercy and grace toward myself and others.   It's also reminding me to walk in faith and rely on His guidance alone along the twists and turns.
My deep desire and even in my own minuscule view of what I know to be ahead in this next season is so saturating that it brings me to tears at the thought of "almost" being there. It's a passion that consumes me, consumes my heart, yet I need to take the steps He's laid out, not follow my own map.  No short cuts. For His view is greater, clearer and far more beautiful than my puny mind could ever begin to imagine, it's perfect. He knows what's needed to be able to journey such a feat. So I will walk...moving forward...step by step, walking by faith and not by sight but yet still excitedly anticipating its impact to help build His Kingdom.

No Child Left Behind

   I have been a teacher for over 20 years, which is so hard for me to believe.  I have had thousands of students, lots of memories, laughs and tears.  Several years ago, right after having my youngest daughter, I felt the Lord calling me to be home with my daughter.  I knew what I needed to do, I knew what I wanted to do, but I was scared.  I was afraid to let go of what I knew.  I was afraid to give up my income, felt like I was giving up my identity in a way, and really not sure what the future would hold. I knew however deep in my heart that the Lord was bringing me and my family into a new season.
    In the spring of my last school year teaching middle school, I loved taking my class out on the cross country trail for a hike.  The class knew where the trail began and where is ended.  I also reminded them to stay on the trail and that I would be the last one on the trail because I would never leave any of "my kids" behind.  They all laughed and we started out on our way.  As we got going we began to get further and further separated, which was not uncommon as some are faster than others, and they all seemed to be faster than me ;).  As we were walking I kept thinking about my life  and what my new up and coming season, and its challenges, would hold and was beginning to feel that overwhelming feeling creeping in and starting to take a hold.  
At one point I could see the last group of kids just ahead of me, but kept feeling like someone was behind me which caused me to keep turning around, and this continued happening.  It wasn't that scary feeling, like you see in movies where you are being followed and afraid, it was just a sense that someone was behind me.  I kept thinking I was hearing someone and I wanted to be sure that none of my students were left behind.  Finally after several times of me turning around with nobody there, (I swore I had the sense that someone was behind me), and when I thought I was losing my mind because I could sense someone,  I heard The Lord say to me in my spirit "See, I don't leave my kids behind either".  It was at that point I began to cry, and thankful that I could do it privately because my students were far enough ahead of me on the trail. I knew the Lord was telling me in all my thoughts and burdens I was carrying that He had my back. That He would be there every step of the way in the plans He had for my life. Although my goal is to walk with the Lord daily, this was the most amazing experience of knowing and feeling His actual presence on a trail in the woods with me, having my back.  I've walked through a ton of challenges in my life, and He's always had my back, but for Him to love me so much to meet me where I was right in that moment and show me and bring peace to my heart, is incredibly mind blowing to me.
I'm so thankful for His presence in my life and to know that He loves each one of us just that much. May the Lord bless you.

Super-Sensitivity Toward Others

     For whatever reason I find myself reflecting on several things today.  Often my fingers cannot keep up with my mind when typing when this happens, so I apologize for what may come out as random.  
Several months ago, I sang at the funeral of a beautiful lady who fought the cancer battle, and just about a month ago I sang at the funeral of a long time friend who had passed away suddenly.    I found myself doing a lot of people watching during these funerals as I find myself doing at many funerals.  I am typically an active people watcher in many many situations anyway, but OFTEN during loss, because I am familiar with loss.
   We as humans, for obvious reasons, find ourselves "listening" with our ears, but I find that I tend to use many of my senses.  Besides hearing, I mostly use my eyes.  During regular life situations, I often get teased for "staring at" people when they talk or when I am "taking in" something they are doing.  I laugh, because it probably seems like that, but I truly am listening whole heartedly.  I like to look people in the eye when I am talking to them, which can make people uncomfortable at times, because it helps me to "listen" to whats in their soul, whether they are speaking or not.  My husband and I have a kind of a joke we laugh about, that when I am trying to talk to him, I want him to look at me...to listen with his eyes too.  He doesn't necessarily have to do that to hear me, but because that is how I "listen", I often expect the same from him. (now raise your hand if you know that how YOU are with other people, doesn't mean that is how they relate to you - ha ha) Admittedly,  I  have been known to become frustrated when he doesn't do it, and have to remind myself that he doesn't have to look at me to "hear" me, but it often helps ;)  I find when I discipline my own children or my students, I ask them to look me in the eye because I want them to "listen" that way as well, and know that hopefully they are getting the message not only with their ears but their eyes.  This can be a very difficult task for people, because it can make you feel vulnerable.
  I find that I people watch a lot in the way of "tuning in" to what is happening. Its amazing what we pick up when we do tune in.  When talking about senses, I often, in communicating with people, especially close friends, touch them when I am talking or listening to them.  I realize, as I chuckle to myself, that one needs to be careful in doing this when you talk to someone.  You have to use wisdom, when talking to any random person,  or it can quickly turn into a "miscommunication" and taken the wrong way by more than just the person you are talking to.  I find that when I listen with most of my senses, the Lord allows me to be far more "in tune" to what is happening in the soul of others looking beyond the surface.  There is no mistake that God gave us all these senses not just to enjoy life but as tools we don't miss a thing....especially His leading..
   I told a friend a couple weeks ago that because I have walked through a significant amount of loss in my life that its like its made me super-sensitive to others.  It almost feels super-natural at times. Although it sounds funny, I could not think of a better way to put it.  It doesn't mean I have any "super powers" ha ha, but only that I have learned to really "pay attention" and by way of the Holy Spirit who has equipped me,  to "tune in" to others.  I think that this comes from walking through significant loss. I remember while others went on with their normal lives, I wanted to scream out because I was still deeply hurting.   At times felt like I was literally drowning in my own sorrows, and as bad as I wanted to cry out to someone to "save me" from the pain, yet I was still expected to move on like life was as it was before.   I felt nobody could relate, that they wouldn't really understand the depth of the pain, and I also knew that there was only ONE that could heal this pain and He was already walking me through it....just not as fast as I would have liked.
Because of walking this path of deep grief and wishing people understood or  could "hear" me crying out with my hearts pain,  I think from that point I must have made it a point to be detailed  and extremely sensitive with what others might be feeling.  I often joke that I am anally detailed (I think I just heard my husband yell AMEN! ha ha).  That can be good and bad, but with other people, and their feelings I really find myself wanting to understand them and what they may or may not be saying..... their body language, words, even the things they aren't speaking out loud..  Do I miss it, of course, I am human, but my heart really wants to be tentative to others hurts.  
As I was speaking with a group of campers at a speaking engagement last week, we talked about the thoughts in our heads, the things we think about and feel on the inside.  We talked about how we only really share or speak out a tiny percentage of all the thoughts we have in a day.  I made the suggestion of having them imagine if all of our thoughts went onto a big screen or we walked around with word bubbles over our heads.  There were groans heard around the room, including mine.  ha ha.  Well praise God that isn't the case....what a mess that could be.  However, when you are trying to help people or be there for someone in their pain, word bubbles could be helpful.  Unfortunately, behind their smiles and tough exteriors...could very well be a breaking heart, a heart torn into pieces.  
I always tell people going through grief two main things....1. Never make any major life changing decisions while in the depths of grief, and 2.  Don't mask, bandaide, or stifle your grief or emotions, but instead walk through them and genuinely pour them out some how.  It hurts horribly doing so, but you will get through grief faster without masking it.
  Its easy for me to say those things, even though I know this is wisdom from personal experience, but its another when you are actually in the valley of it......this is why I try hard to "tune in" to what is NOT being said..."people watch" if you will.  I may not be able to catch it all, but the Holy Spirit knows all.
What is someone feeling that they may be afraid to say or just not saying.  Crying out and asking for help is often seen as a weakness, but its really not. The opposite is actually true.   Sometime you just need to say "I FEEL LIKE I AM DYING INSIDE" or "THIS IS CRUSHING ME".  The last thing the enemy wants is for us to cry out for help.  He relishes in our suffering and then if we do cry out he fills us with lies of how weak or selfish we are.....do you see the twisted cycle.
    Within our regular lives, I am guilty of getting busy and dealing with the crazy schedules of life.  Things get busy and loud and even more busy.  We hardly have time to get through our own days, let alone stop to examine what someone else might be going through (I've been guilty many times).
Might I challenge us all to "tune in", without judgement, and "people watch", to take a moment to look people in the eye and compassionately into their hearts.  I personally hate to ask people the question of "How are you doing?", because so often culturally, its just used as a greeting and we answer it with "I'm fine", when sometimes we just really aren't fine....sometimes we are hurting, we just don't want to burden others. If you are asking this of someone you truly love and care about, dig deeper, look deeper. 
I love the verse in Proverbs 27:17 where it talks about iron sharpening iron.  So often we help people get the knife out but never attempt to engage and assist in sharpening the blade.  I'm guilty.  
In connecting with others, lets try to use more than just our sense of hearing, but lets engage with our eyes too, and by all means our hearts.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul.  Lets stop what we are doing and look deeper.  Its possible that we may not hear someones pain but that we may see it and we may sense it.  God Bless Y'all ;)