When I was a kid in elementary school, every recess we chose teams for various games. Typically kickball and football. Nobody ever wants to be that person who is chosen last. Being an athlete and one of the biggest girls in those days, that was not something that usually happened to me with sports. I was actually recruited by a coach to play football on the boys elementary school team way back in the day, but mom said no, and that is another story. Lol.
Every recess however the picking of teams, no matter the sport, was inevitable. The empathetic part of me always absolutely hated it for those who were chosen last. The pain on their face of being the last one picked. Ugh! That is the reason why, to this day, I will never ever allow that to happen in my classroom when dividing up for something.
Im not sure about anyone else, but there are times in life we feel “not chosen”. Or maybe, you were chosen to start with, and only later to feel disregarded. Regardless of the scenario up top, I do know very much what it feels like to not be chosen. Ive had those I called family “unchoose” me. I had a very close friend many many years ago who was put in a position to choose (not by me) and chose to walk away even though it wasn’t necessary, it still happened. I had a biological father who chose alcohol instead, so it felt very much like he didn’t choose me at times. I had potential jobs, auditions etc…. who I had “chosen” in my heart and applied for, not choose me. I could go on and on.
Whether it was for a job, a position, a friendship or relationship of any kind, or any other situation. The feeling of not being chosen stings and can bring all kinds of feelings or responses of fear, abandonment, rejection, or feelings of inadequacy. Even thee most confident person in the world can struggle in this area depending on how deep the root goes. It can make you question your vary existence. No one likes rejection. No one especially like to admit these things because it forces you to open up, to show vulnerability, to shed their protective emotional armor. No one wants to express themselves, put themselves, their dreams, their resume, their skills, talents, or fondness of another out there…ONLY to find out their feelings, hopes, dreams, goals etc….are one-sided and or unreciprocated.
The truth is that we all know that not everyone is required to love us, appreciate us, believe in us, or see what we have to offer. We all know that there are no guarantees in our transparency or vulnerability.
Some who have dealt with hurt and rejection in their own childhood, but now grown up adults, feel better temporarily sometimes, by purposely rejecting others. Hence the saying “hurt people hurt people”. Some, however, grow up and become extremely empathetic, loving others hard.
Either way the wounds of feeling not chosen need to heal or they will remain on going from place to place.
So where is the hope? How do we maneuver through these crappy moments when they happen. How do we keep ourselves from building up walls of fear around ourselves to protect? Truth is those walls sound good in theory, but also they keep blessings out. Often we may think it is the person, people, or situation that didnt choose us, and that may very well be. More often, however, it is how our minds perceives or deal with the still open and unhealed wound.
Imagine a world where everyone chooses us? Sounds good in theory right?! When would we grow and be stretched? If every audition or try out we nailed? Every person we every thought we wanted to date chose us….yikes, then what?! I remember having the biggest crushes on some people way way back, that I thank the good Lord now that they didn’t reciprocate or it just didn’t work out. Lol whew! Ive heard a saying “mans rejection is Gods protection”, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt right?! Maybe some things happened in our lives and we never got clarity on the “why” of it all. The truth is that you may never know. The hanging on the “why?” will also hold you in place instead of in forward motion.
We must examine our thoughts when we feel this way….unchosen. The truth is that through the hurt of not being chosen, we are still chosen daily by the One who matters. The One who created us and gave us breath. God himself……He’s been choosing us before we ever filled our lungs with that breath. When I am feeling this way and these thoughts or feelings of feeling “unchosen” rear their ugly head, I try and remind myself of Gods promises and that He goes before us.
Deuteronomy. 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
He has seen every rejection and knows your heartache and not one tear has fallen out of His site. When my children were little and going down a hill or steep path, I would always go before them to make sure it was clear to keep them safe. God does the same for us. He is surprised by nothing.
He has a plan and a purpose. There can be growth in the No’s. Or protection in redirection. Jeremiah 29:11 is that reminder. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Good can come out of not being chosen, but so can pain. We do get to decide how we handle it. What thoughts we allow to rule our mind matter when these times happen. Sometimes a perspective shift is needed. It took me over 40 years to address “not being chosen” by my father when I finally went to counseling over it. As it turns out it wasn’t that he didn’t choose me, he chose me within his realm of capability at the time. That feeling of being unchosen still rises up from time to time when something triggers it. Sometimes it can be the simplest of things; a text not returned, not being included in something random. Again, that enemy though, places those thoughts there. He is trigger happy. We have to take authority over those thoughts.
When things happen and we don’t have the answer, we have to immediately turn it over to God and trust His perspective. He has the full view of the path he has already walked. Ask Him to protect your mind from the enemy trying to feed to his lies that you aren’t enough.
What else can we do? Love people anyway. Love regardless. Love people hard. See the best in them. Give the benefit of the doubt. Seek to understand their root system as it may tell a bigger picture. Pray for people. When you cant find it within you to do so, ask God to help you. AND CHOOSE PEOPLE!! Choose people using your empathy. Choose them with your joy. Choose them daily with a smile or kind word. Choose people in your manners, and in your words of encouragement. Look for people to choose. Step outside your comfort zone.
Remember what it feels like to not be chosen and be the opposite of that for others. You woke up today, so God chose you for another day, so use it. Be the change you wish to see.
