Under Pressure

     A close friend and I were having a conversation one day, and he said to me "Leading worship is a lot of pressure, I'd rather preach".  This comment made perfect sense to me because he IS called to be a pastor so the anointing is clearly there in his life for that, without question.  He wasn't, in any way, saying that being a pastor didn't have its pressures, because it does, just that he felt MORE equipped to do that, than to lead worship.  Like many things do in my life, this got the wheels in my head turning and thinking about pressure.  The Lord often uses these things in my life to speak to me and use them to minister. In true Lord fashion, He woke me in the night to speak to my heart.
 It is true that each calling on a Christians life has pressures, its own unique pressures.  In my own life I feel I have been called to do both, worship lead as well as minister the Word in maybe more non-traditional settings and have done just that, so although there IS definitely pressure in both,  I know that God has fully equipped me. When I am worshiping, I like to get to a place where its not about singing songs, in or out of key, who is leading, or how many parts there are etc....I like to think of the focus as if you are getting naked before the Lord, and just laying it all down.  The Lord is very aware of what our bodies look like under all the layers of clothes, right down to the dimples, the rolls, all crevices, and even the stinky places ha ha, so he is not surprised by it because nothing is hidden from God.  But its when we CHOOSE to lay it down on purpose,letting go of ourselves,  not worrying about the details or who might be staring but just wholeheartedly laying it out being incredibly vulnerable, being raw, real and free in your worship.  From that point He can do what He needs to do because you have been an open willing vessel.    If you are "worshiping" with the focus and expectation of it being for anyone or anything BUT the Lord, then there IS added additional pressure, because I am assuming that everyone else has never seen you naked and vulnerable, and then its just awkward.
  God has reminded me that there are some really cool things that are created under elevated heat and pressure, like gemstones.  All kinds of gemstones are created by pressure and each one unique.  If God has made me a diamond, then I only have to be just that...a diamond.  If I try to be a sapphire or an emerald then I am going to be dealing with a lot more added pressures that God did not intend because I was created as a diamond.  I don't need to try and be something I am not, just let go and be who God made me to be in MY calling.  By doing just that, He is able to, in my raw and real state, continue to polish me and shine through me as intended, beaming His light into all the world.  

I Don't Care What Others Think - Really?!

     I've had the privilege of speaking on this very topic to hundreds of youth in the Midwest, but this topic does not apply to just youth.  If you are breathing, then it applies to you.  The Lord has brought it back upon my heart to write about more and so here I am at my computer.
I hear a lot about this these days, from adults and teens alike...."I don't care what anyone thinks", and in my observation, the more and the louder the screaming on this, the more that person is trying to convince themselves rather than others.  There, BAM, I said it!  Painful but true.  Let me give you a minute to let that soak in.  The truth about that statement, is that the very thing you scream that you "do not need" typically consumes you.  If it were a good thing, I'd tell you to get me a ladder and I would help you shout it from the rooftops.
Someone continuously screaming this is like the heroin addict who says that they can quit anytime they want to.  The truth is that even entire industries like fashion for example, exist because people care what other people think.  Its true that someone can say that they are dressing for themselves, but is it the whole truth?  I do think teens struggle in this area more than adults but its not just fashion we seek approval on it can be hair, music, even the way we talk....
Remember back in high school when the strive was to be popular?  I admit not really remembering caring that much whether I was or wasn't, but at some point it crosses everyone's mind, it did mine too.  Its reality.  So much so, that entire movies are made out of whether one is popular or is focused on as the nerd.  It's up to each persons perception however, on what they deem popular.  To this day, I never felt I was popular, but it depends on who in my high school I talk to, and their own perception.  Simply because I was an athlete, I was deemed "popular" by some, but as an athlete I didn't feel popular...I looked at another crowd as the "popular crowd".  Funny how that works and is all in ones perception.  The very thing we may strive for, we may never obtain because the grass always seems greener over yonder.
Caring, however, about what other people think isn't about popularity, its about BELONGING.
No offense to my cheerleader friends, but lets think back again to high school.  If a girl hates cheerleaders, she wants to be seen different than them - but still seen.  The desire to be associated or disassociated from anyone or anything is to STILL care what people think.  (let that one sink in a minute.)
     If a person gets a reputation for caring what other people think, they are called desperate, insecure, shallow, or mindless.  Today, however, people are trying desperately to be seen instead with the reputation that says "I don't care what you think"..... THE IRONY!!
When someone says "I don't care what anyone thinks about me", its never true.  What they may mean is that they don't care what a particular person thinks, that they don't care what YOU think about this issue, OR that you don't have all the facts about me so your opinion is irrelevant or incorrect.  BUT to say we don't care what ANYONE thinks is just not true, we all do.  Belonging is a powerful motivator.
Caring what other people think is NOT A WEAKNESS or insecurity.  (I am hearing gasps around the room right now).  It is born for the  need for relationship, and it IS a need.
God saw that it was not good for man to be alone.  Our primal desires for love, affirmation, validation, and friendship are reflections of that truth.  Caring what people think is not a character flaw that makes you egocentric or insecure, it is what makes you HUMAN.
     There IS a middle ground between obsession with being noticed, and total disregard for your reputation.  We need to stop wearing the whole "I DON'T CARE" thing like its a badge of honor.  Not caring doesn't make you stronger, it actually just makes you lonelier.
Lets give people the benefit of the doubt however, maybe the notion that some peoples opinions should carry more weight than others is entirely too much to handle, but personally that is how it works in my world.  All opinions are NOT created equal.
We all know that EVERYONE has an opinion, but we need to look at those opinions like life and death voices.  You get to choose whose opinions to listen to, and when.  You are allowed to listen to what is true and also to ignore what isn't.  Life voices will speak truth, and encourage you in your calling, while death voices with try to hold you back, and are usually full of confusion and untruths.
We have to always weigh out opinions because they are a dime a dozen, but they do not all weigh they same and weighting them incorrectly can cost you.
 With God, yourself, spouse, parents, children, friends, acquaintances,  and strangers etc...
 God is the ONLY ONE dealing with ALL the information.  I am thankful constantly that He looks upon the heart (Samuel 16:7).  People, on the other hand collect information from: your appearance, personality, choices, the company you keep, your social media posts etc...and whatever else measure of worth that seems important at the time.
Only God knows every minute of every single day.  Hebrews 4:13 states that "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."  Only God knows your innermost thoughts according to Psalms 139:1-4  "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely."
Only God knows every hurt, motivation,  or experience that has shaped you in anyway.   Only God is working with all the information.
Romans 2:2 states that "Now we know that God's judgement against those who do such things is based on truth".
HE SEES ME AND HE SEES YOU!!  It will be God that you stand before ONLY...the only ONE who really knows you.  You are the apple of His eye and His word is final.  If He says you need to be saved - you do, if He says you are forgiven - you are, if he say you are pure and lovely - you are.  Only Gods opinion matters!!
You know more about yourself than any human being. You have a lifetime of thoughts, feelings and experiences that you have probably never shared.  A persons heart can be a deep ocean of secrets we may have never even thought to share.  When you value the opinions of others over what we know to be true, those false labels can wrap themselves around us squeezing the very life out of us like a boa constrictor.  Lets consider others in your life...  should their thoughts and opinions count?
Spouses or parents should count.  They know you, and we are also called to honor them.  As a personal rule, I don't keep things from my husband.  Sure, there have been things I have forgotten to tell him from time to time, but to live on purpose, means to keep nothing from him if I possibly can. Are there a few things he probably doesn't know about me still even after 13 years of being together, for sure, because they are things in my past that I haven't even thought to share (stories or things that have happened in my life that probably are irrelevant anyway, but not kept away on purpose).  His opinion matters to me because I want to be walking in the shadow of his blessing.  I do a lot in ministry, and I always ask his opinion on things because in Gods eyes we are one.  Have we ever disagreed? For sure.  Have I ever gone and done something against his wishes?.....I admit I have and later wished I had listened.  He would say the say the same.  It matters to me what he thinks because by Gods divine plan, I am under his leadership.  I also care what my children think because I am their role model, I want to be sure I am modeling to them a Godly walk as much as possible.
     Relationships matter, so friendships matter, and I don't just mean ANY friends.  I mean your closest most inner circle.  Best friends are more than people you just hang out with, or laugh with.  Best friends are the people that are there for you in ALL seasons, those that speak truth in your life to you even when you may not want to hear it.  Those people that love you enough to pull the corn cob out of your behind, or that tear up your ticket when you have gotten aboard the "bitter bus" when your have gotten on the wrong path.  The friends that love you through thick and thin, right where you are, who are more like family to you.  They are the family that YOU get to pick.
Don't misunderstand, there is a huge difference between caring what friends think and internalizing everything they say and making choices just to appease people.
 I recently had a  best friend contemplating a job offer that would have moved him across the country.  I admit I was devastated at the thought, and cried many tears.  I knew it was safe to share with him my feelings because I KNEW he would do what the Lord was calling him to do regardless of my thoughts or feelings.  Did he care about my feelings, for sure, and definitely didn't want me to be sad, but knowing his heart and thoughts and him knowing mine, it was safe to be honest with him because his focus (and mine) was Gods complete will for his life, as it SHOULD be.
Consider Galatians 1:10  Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or God? or am I trying to please people?  If I were trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
     Now lets take a look at the community...or everyone else...
This comes down to your reputation, and we all have one.  I want to be clear when saying the word REPUTATION.  Reputation does not mean the stuff that people make up about you, imagine about you, or presume about you.  Reputation is the things that YOU ARE KNOWN FOR.
One person can misjudge you.  A group of friends can misjudge you, but if what you are KNOWN for in your community is being a snob, for example,  then this either means you are or whatever you are putting out there makes you appear that way.  If one person sees something they may be mistaken, if ten people see it, it COULD be true.  Communities are on the witness stand, and our behavior is evidence, with the verdict being our reputation.  I can hear groans out there and people still saying "who cares about reputation", but the truth is that it does matter, and this is why.  You want your friends and family to trust you, you want your boss to give you a break if you make a mistake or if you need a reference for your ideal job,  you may need help with something some day...like moving, and nobody is going to want to help you if they think you are a snob.
Honestly, ignoring reputation is not empowering, its stupidity!!  Even Proverbs speaks of it in 22:1 saying "a good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold."   When a person lives with integrity and grace, a good reputation will inevitable follow.  We should all endeavor to live so that if anyone were to speak ill of us, no one would believe them.
   Lets not forget strangers.  I get hate mail all the time for things that I post or write,  I would imagine I will get some from this post as well.  The truth is that you can't make everyone like you or agree with you.  You honestly would have an easier time trying to wrestle a pig covering in vasoline then trying to defend yourself to some, so don't waste your energy.  If I ever reply to that kind of mail, I have been known to tell those people to take a number or save their breath, but that I love them anyway.
     Our society is guilty of half-truths that contain within them lies...WHICH MAKES THEM ONLY HALF TRUE.  Relationships matter, reputation matters, testimonies matter, people should care about what others think about them.  The world however is full of over-correctors.  In our zeal of screaming or demonstrating that "we don't care what anyone else thinks" we take it too far and end up uncensoring ourselves and being down right RUDE.  Telling the truth does not give permission for rudeness, ever.
Maturity plays a huge role in this.  Yes, its time to put on your big girl or big boy pants.
Being nice to someone you don't like isn't hypocritical, its mature.  Keeping your mouth shut isn't cowardly, its mature.  Accepting criticism and using it to grow isn't letting other people define you, its being mature.
I believe the balance is grace.  Grace for ourselves in that what others think doesn't define us.  Grace for everyone in that their opinion is valid, so I will listen and discern graciously, but ultimately you need to follow what Christ is leading you to do because in the end.....even though your actions can have a ripple effect consequence with others.....it is HE that you will answer to.
 I know that when I get to Heaven I want to hear "Well done" for whatever my actions here on Earth were..
 So by making a statement of "I don't care what ANYONE thinks" is just NOT TRUE for anyone, because if it matters to you what ONE thinks...then this in itself, is a false statement.

Stopping the Noise to Refocus

I'm not a "rescue mom". I'm a full believer to let consequences fall when a child doesn't follow through on their end of the deal. Although it's hard, that is how they learn.  Today,  however, one has to make the determination between still allowing consequences to fall but also knowing when to take a time out, to hold her and wipe the tears, and helping her recognize and stop the noise, helping her refocus when her world feels like it's caving in from her perspective. I know it's not, but from her 4th grade perception, that's what it feels like....and everyone's perception counts. So I've stopped my schedule and what I'd had planned and taken time to do just that. What a difference it's made as she was able to gain perspective, learn and walk it out.

I've felt this way very recently....like the walls were closing in. I've cried a lot in the last couple months and have become frustratingly impatient for God to move....even angry..yep I said it. Angry to the point of feeling it start to seep in like poison to my soul.  Thank God for my best friends who aren't afraid to call me out.  Ive had to take a step back and examine my heart and clear my head, and shut my mouth more so than normal (a work in progress).  And there is God in all His fullness and glory ready to hold me, wipe my tears....knowing what my world looks like from my perception...but seeing the fullness of it from His. Reminding me of His promises, helping me refocus, and helping me recognize and stop the noise. To take back what the enemy was trying to get his grubby little mitts on. To show me where I had misplaced and stuffed away my joy.  To show me how to get it right.  A work in progress.

He didn't even have to rearrange His schedule....I am His schedule. All I had to do was STOP and crawl up in His lap and focus on His beating heart.  Nothing else matters when you can focus on that. When He becomes your focus, everything else falls into rhythm. God is good. 

Beautiful Aftermath

I had so much fun this last summer with my friends at the Blueberry Festival  just hanging out and watching the fireworks.  As we were watching the fireworks in all their glory, in between loud booms, laughs and the cutting of jokes,  I sat there watching with such gratitude for where God has brought me. Im a visual learner and  He likes to remind me, and show me things through every day happenings.  As I watched, I began to think about the times in my life where I felt things were blowing up with what felt like in my face....explosions that made my world shake, difficult circumstances that felt like my life was falling apart.  But He has taken those instances and made beauty from them...each one of them.  Some explosions in my life were from my own doing, my own choices...I was the one who held the match.  Other times it was someone else doin the lighting and it may have been out of my control, but the explosion happened regardless and I was left to deal with the fall out.  But, just like fireworks, the beauty comes after the "boom".....thats when God takes it and makes it all beautiful and we can stand back and be in awe of what He has done and continues to do in each of our lives after blow outs or explosions, because He loves us, and in Romans 8:28 we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Beauty from ashes if you will.  
As I sat there in my gratitude, surrounded by friends He has brought into my and my family's lives for such a time as this, I was thankful for the "booms" and "explosions" Ive had to walk through and what He has made of them.  No, I wouldnt want to go back through those things again, but I am thankful for what He has done in my life and who He has placed in my life as a result having to walk where I have walked....the beautiful aftermath....the stuff that makes you go oooooh and ahhhhhh.......the good stuff.  I'm so thankful.

Friendship....What is it?

This last weekend, which ended up being a four day weekend for me, went by so fast but it was such a great weekend. I've been wanting to have my closest friends over for awhile, but until volleyball season was done there was just no time. Although I wasn't able to have them all over because of their various, previously planned family activities, I was sure glad some could come. We certainly didn't lack for humor or entertainment. Next time we will get us ALL together. :)

I began to think (which is typical Jen), and reflect on what makes these people so special to me.....I could name a million things easily.  A couple of them I knew immediately upon meeting them that there was an immediate bond of friendship almost before words were spoken. Some I've spent years and years knowing and bonding. Some I've known approx.5-10 years and one of my closest and dearest, for only 2 years this fall, and another for 2 in December. It's not the amount of years though that matters to me in any of these friendships.  It's not even the gender of some, and I hear a lot of flack over that from people....but I laugh, because even my own husband has no issues because he knows my full heart on the matter,  so what others think or have to say is irrelevant to me. 

When I think on these people, there is a huge bond of trust.  It's a trust I've NEVER had to question. It's a trust that gives freedom of being able to be 100% me...no masks, pretending, no filters...just me. If that means me furiously angry, me hysterically freaking out,  me bawling my eyes out with snot dripping and make up down my face, or me jumping up and down, unrestrained peeing my pants laughing me....it's all ok. I've never had to force my way into their lives, it was an easy fit.  These people have been there not just in word but in truth AND deed.....even when it was hard. Some have had to talk me down or slap me with hard realities. They've held my hand or wiped my tears and fervently prayed for me at times I just couldn't find the words. They've cheered me on and reminded me of the song in my heart when I couldn't remember what I'd been singing.   The beauty in it all.....is that I've had the blessing of doing the same for them at various times, even if it was just a moment. They will all tell you that I'm an emotional, living out loud,  deep thinker and feeler of things,  but it's not just things about my own life but about theirs as well. When I'm in a friendship I know God has placed there clearly, and purposefully, make no mistake...I'm IN IT FULLY. They became family, and a girl STANDS with them, behind them, and often in front of them to protect, when that IS needed. 

I have lots of people I call friends, but only a handful of friends in my entire life that I consider family. This is not by accident but for such a time as this. For a super exciting time that God has a purpose and plan laid out long before any of us ever saw the womb. 

I talk a lot about my friendships. I value them deeply. They've taught me a ton about what true friendship is. It's a beautiful rarity, a treasure from God. We have, all of us, so much in common, but mostly it's a deep burning passion to run where the Lord is calling us relentlessly, and knowing that is truly all that matters....HIM. It's an understanding that our lives are created not about us, but about Him.  When the race gets tough, we are there to scream to each other,  "suck it up cupcake", to "you can do it" to "I'm so proud of you", to "love you",  and packing punches that will knock the T right off the word can't reminding us we CAN.  

It's taken me years to understand the true meaning of REAL RAW friendship and I am still learning...endlessly learning. 

Most of all I'm thankful that God looked at me and said "because I love you, I'm putting these amazing people in your life because they are part of the beautiful big picture". I am truly BEYOND blessed. 

Trying to Limit Conception

     In my job I get the blessing of teaching students both health and scientific facts.  I’m kind of a science and health geek because I love learning and teaching about the cool creation that God has made in the human body.

   Recently I read an article about how the body reacts to stress.  When couples are trying to conceive, stress makes it very difficult to do so for various reasons.

As I began to think on this, as I am finished having children, I thought that this information did not pertain to me, but yet I realize it does.  The Lord began to speak to me about my own life.  Here, in the last two weeks, I have been waking up at night 2 or 3 times sometimes with something on my mind….stressors. 

 My volleyball team just competed in Semi-state so I assumed it was that in all its excitement, but that competition was last weekend, and it still happening.  I then had to start looking at WHAT I was thinking of when I woke.  I have been thinking on things of the future.  I have a daughter who is now at 15, seeking out colleges and coaches because she has plans to play volleyball in a few years in college.  I’ve been worrying (although I know we are not supposed to), about where she will go, and although I have been able to save some money for college, it will not be near enough, so wondering how we are going to pay for it.  I have been thinking about the sudden items breaking down in our house that need repair,  or how I am going to get kids to this or that...etc... The list seems endless to me, but lately its been waking me up in the night, which should not be. 

 God does not want us to worry.  365 times in the Bible, is says “Do Not Fear”…this includes worry.  When we worry, we are not walking in faith.  Fear and faith cannot be in the same place.   Stress can cause infertility physically but can also cause us to not be able to conceive in the Spirit.  It is very difficult to conceive when you are in stress, fear or anxiety.  Stress is not a good breeding ground for miracles to be conceived.  It also makes it very difficult to hear His voice when all you hear are the thoughts of anxiety buzzing around.  His voice is heard best in peace and not in  “Chaotic Crazyville”.  God is a God of peace.

Stress is a tool that we hand right to the devil when we open the door to those thoughts – I am guilty.  He takes it and runs with it and wreaks havoc in our lives if we let him.  When he attacks, stress and anxiety comes, and fear comes.  We then begin to seek God out of desperation and not faith.  As long as we allow it to remain, it will be difficult to hear God and even more difficult to conceive the possible miracle that we need.

I find it interesting that reproductive systems in both humans and animals may shut down during times of stress and that the LAST thing the enemy wants is for a Christian to "reproduce", especially if they are ON FIRE for God.  If he can keep you in stress, he can keep you from spreading the Word and getting others born again or bringing others out of bondage and into freedom because they have heard Gods truth and experience revelation in their own lives.  If we are caught up in our own kingdom with stress, we cannot begin to help build Gods. 

There is no doubt that when attacks come it is extremely difficult to NOT be stressed, to not feel pressure of the attack.  Its difficult, but not impossible.

For me this was revelation knowledge that God brought into my mind.  When I know the enemy’s tactics, it helps me a lot.  Knowing that he is trying to keep me from conceiving what God has for me helps me.  Knowledge alone will help me recognize and overcome.  When I came to this realization I actually laughed out loud and thought "I dont think so devil!!"    I am not surprised at these attacks, as I am stepping into a new season, along awaited one, and I KNOW God has big plans for this season.

Isaiah 26:3 says that God will keep us in perfect peace when our mind is stayed upon Him. 

 He has done this in many times in my life, I have watched it over and over.  The problem occurs when we take our minds off of Him and lose focus while the enemy is breathing his stanky breath in our ears.  God, however, is the author of peace.  Jesus is the author and finisher of your faith.  If God is for us, who can be against us?  The enemy could not stop Him from reproducing and he can’t stop us either, if we stay in peace.  Keep your mind off the battle and on God, He will do the fighting for you. 

Obsession and The "F Word"

I, by nature, am an over-thinker. Sometimes its because I can't get my mind to shut off and another is because I am choosing to dissect things.  I am a true science geek at heart with a little bit of psychology thrown in the mix as I try to not only understand myself but those around me.
After having a conversation with one of my best friends, where we had briefly talked about the word "obsession" and it affects, I began to think more and more about that word, its meanings, and its root.  
Websters defines it as:
 "To preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent."

   In the world people are obsessed with money, people, things, fame, health, exercise, and a plethora of other things......., If we are honest, we are all probably obsessed with something in our lives.  I can tell you honestly that in my life I have struggled with being obsessed with my schedule and getting things done or being on time.  I have gotten much better over the last few years but I catch myself being that way at times.
I like to break things down and think about where they start....maybe I am "obsessed" with understanding people.  ha ha.  The definition talks about "becoming preoccupied or filling the mind", so at some point it begins with a thought or even a fantasy...a need that maybe we are trying to fill.  If this is the case, then in our minds, we must have felt a type of lack, or a fear of coming into lack.  Fear is a HUGE key here.  If I am speaking of my own life, my "obsession" with time and scheduling appears because I hate to be late.  The reason I hate to be late is because I do not want to miss out on something like time with family, friends or participating in an activity...valuable time.  Something in my life I deem very precious because one never knows when time is going to run out.
So again the root - FEAR...that "F word" again.  
If we are obsessed with things, or obsessed with someone, you have to ask yourself WHY?  I guarantee that if you trace it down to the root....its that "F word" Fear again.  
What is it that we are afraid of?   Fear is a tricky thing that in the long run can rob you of so very much in your life.  I like to use the "3 D's" to describe it.
Fear destroys, distorts, and discourages.    So much damage is already done before we even realize it.  That is the enemy's goal..."to steal kill and destroy" as stated in John 10:10.  He wants to kill your focus, steal your time and destroy your relationships.....that IS what obsession does.
The enemy WANTS you to be in fear of LACK, but what does the Bible say about lack?
I love these verses:  

Deuteronomy 2:7 "For the LORD your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing."'

James 1:4 
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.


The Bible says so much more but I do love these verses.  God provides all we need, so if there is lack, or fear of it, God says we lack for nothing.  
He has also given us all we need and promises to supply all of our needs according
 to Philippians 4:19. 
If you are finding that you are dealing with obsession, trace it back and address the fear.  It is not God that gives us the spirit of fear, that instead comes from the enemy.  God gives us one of power and of love and of a sound mind according to 2 Timothy 1:7.  
I am NOT promoting obsession by any means, but if we are to be obsessed with anything, God wants us to be obsessed with Him.  We should be obsessed with hearing His voice and His direction and in fear of having things in our lives that keep us from hearing Him clearly.  If your focus is THOSE things and those alone, all else should fall into place and the need to obsess about anyone or anything is irrelevant.  Blessings

Holding the Boat

      Have you ever been out in a boat to head out for some water fun or fishing? I have, many times with my family. My husband, thankfully is very knowledgeable about boating and boats. He gets the boat off the trailer into the water, and without fail asks me to hold the boat to the dock, being careful not to let it bump against the dock, until he can get the truck and trailer up out of the water and parked in the parking lot, which sometimes can take awhile especially if he's waiting on other circumstances or trying to find a place to park. He tells us to wait for him before we get into the boat, and since he's the captain it's an important instruction to follow. To be honest, it's the part I hate of boating. Sometimes when I'm holding the boat, if there is any kind of waves, wind, or water turbulence, it can be a challenge as the boat is already going to the motion of the water which is normally moving away from the dock. Sometimes it really is stretching me and pulling me in awkward positions. I'm really ready to jump into the boat, but it's not ready yet and I know not to go against captains orders because I know the directions are there to keep me safe.  Often while I'm waiting,  I imagine the fun we are going to have, along with seeing the beauty of the lake as well as seeing the beauty of the sun and its warmth. I admittedly have become impatient waiting.
I feel like this right now in my life....like I'm holding the boat.  I'm ready to jump in, but right now the Captain is still working out the details of preparation, preparing to set sail. The waters seem turbulent and I want to just jump in, but I can't. Part of me is on the dock with part of me holding the boat while I wait on the Captain of my ship. I love deeply and feel deeply and I'm admittedly struggling and emotional at times, especially when I get caught off guard by a gust of wind or a big wave that I didn't see coming. I still, however, continue to trust the Captain of my ship even if it seems He's taking forever.  I still know I'm to wait on His direction. So I HOLD. In the meanwhile I'm stretching in maybe some awkward positions, but nevertheless I will HOLD knowing and trusting my Captain.

Walking It Out

    In the presence of God there is peace.  You have to go where your peace lies because all else is not peaceful. Such a simple but truthful statement. We all walk through difficult times but the key is walking it out. I listened to a message about moving forward yesterday and although I already knew the importance of moving forward I actually found my own self guilty of being in temporary avoidance mode. I know where my peace lies and I know what God is calling me to do but instead of walking through it and all its sometimes oncoming potholes, divots, and even smooth areas in the road, I tried to escape it, and side step it. I can't force a new season forth by avoiding the steps to get there.....even when the season is so close I can taste it. I still have to walk it out one step at a time. Each step is stretching me, strengthening me, teaching me to balance, reminding me to walk the best I can all the while practicing and demonstrating forgiveness, mercy and grace toward myself and others.   It's also reminding me to walk in faith and rely on His guidance alone along the twists and turns.
My deep desire and even in my own minuscule view of what I know to be ahead in this next season is so saturating that it brings me to tears at the thought of "almost" being there. It's a passion that consumes me, consumes my heart, yet I need to take the steps He's laid out, not follow my own map.  No short cuts. For His view is greater, clearer and far more beautiful than my puny mind could ever begin to imagine, it's perfect. He knows what's needed to be able to journey such a feat. So I will walk...moving forward...step by step, walking by faith and not by sight but yet still excitedly anticipating its impact to help build His Kingdom.

No Child Left Behind

   I have been a teacher for over 20 years, which is so hard for me to believe.  I have had thousands of students, lots of memories, laughs and tears.  Several years ago, right after having my youngest daughter, I felt the Lord calling me to be home with my daughter.  I knew what I needed to do, I knew what I wanted to do, but I was scared.  I was afraid to let go of what I knew.  I was afraid to give up my income, felt like I was giving up my identity in a way, and really not sure what the future would hold. I knew however deep in my heart that the Lord was bringing me and my family into a new season.
    In the spring of my last school year teaching middle school, I loved taking my class out on the cross country trail for a hike.  The class knew where the trail began and where is ended.  I also reminded them to stay on the trail and that I would be the last one on the trail because I would never leave any of "my kids" behind.  They all laughed and we started out on our way.  As we got going we began to get further and further separated, which was not uncommon as some are faster than others, and they all seemed to be faster than me ;).  As we were walking I kept thinking about my life  and what my new up and coming season, and its challenges, would hold and was beginning to feel that overwhelming feeling creeping in and starting to take a hold.  
At one point I could see the last group of kids just ahead of me, but kept feeling like someone was behind me which caused me to keep turning around, and this continued happening.  It wasn't that scary feeling, like you see in movies where you are being followed and afraid, it was just a sense that someone was behind me.  I kept thinking I was hearing someone and I wanted to be sure that none of my students were left behind.  Finally after several times of me turning around with nobody there, (I swore I had the sense that someone was behind me), and when I thought I was losing my mind because I could sense someone,  I heard The Lord say to me in my spirit "See, I don't leave my kids behind either".  It was at that point I began to cry, and thankful that I could do it privately because my students were far enough ahead of me on the trail. I knew the Lord was telling me in all my thoughts and burdens I was carrying that He had my back. That He would be there every step of the way in the plans He had for my life. Although my goal is to walk with the Lord daily, this was the most amazing experience of knowing and feeling His actual presence on a trail in the woods with me, having my back.  I've walked through a ton of challenges in my life, and He's always had my back, but for Him to love me so much to meet me where I was right in that moment and show me and bring peace to my heart, is incredibly mind blowing to me.
I'm so thankful for His presence in my life and to know that He loves each one of us just that much. May the Lord bless you.

Super-Sensitivity Toward Others

     For whatever reason I find myself reflecting on several things today.  Often my fingers cannot keep up with my mind when typing when this happens, so I apologize for what may come out as random.  
Several months ago, I sang at the funeral of a beautiful lady who fought the cancer battle, and just about a month ago I sang at the funeral of a long time friend who had passed away suddenly.    I found myself doing a lot of people watching during these funerals as I find myself doing at many funerals.  I am typically an active people watcher in many many situations anyway, but OFTEN during loss, because I am familiar with loss.
   We as humans, for obvious reasons, find ourselves "listening" with our ears, but I find that I tend to use many of my senses.  Besides hearing, I mostly use my eyes.  During regular life situations, I often get teased for "staring at" people when they talk or when I am "taking in" something they are doing.  I laugh, because it probably seems like that, but I truly am listening whole heartedly.  I like to look people in the eye when I am talking to them, which can make people uncomfortable at times, because it helps me to "listen" to whats in their soul, whether they are speaking or not.  My husband and I have a kind of a joke we laugh about, that when I am trying to talk to him, I want him to look at me...to listen with his eyes too.  He doesn't necessarily have to do that to hear me, but because that is how I "listen", I often expect the same from him. (now raise your hand if you know that how YOU are with other people, doesn't mean that is how they relate to you - ha ha) Admittedly,  I  have been known to become frustrated when he doesn't do it, and have to remind myself that he doesn't have to look at me to "hear" me, but it often helps ;)  I find when I discipline my own children or my students, I ask them to look me in the eye because I want them to "listen" that way as well, and know that hopefully they are getting the message not only with their ears but their eyes.  This can be a very difficult task for people, because it can make you feel vulnerable.
  I find that I people watch a lot in the way of "tuning in" to what is happening. Its amazing what we pick up when we do tune in.  When talking about senses, I often, in communicating with people, especially close friends, touch them when I am talking or listening to them.  I realize, as I chuckle to myself, that one needs to be careful in doing this when you talk to someone.  You have to use wisdom, when talking to any random person,  or it can quickly turn into a "miscommunication" and taken the wrong way by more than just the person you are talking to.  I find that when I listen with most of my senses, the Lord allows me to be far more "in tune" to what is happening in the soul of others looking beyond the surface.  There is no mistake that God gave us all these senses not just to enjoy life but as tools we don't miss a thing....especially His leading..
   I told a friend a couple weeks ago that because I have walked through a significant amount of loss in my life that its like its made me super-sensitive to others.  It almost feels super-natural at times. Although it sounds funny, I could not think of a better way to put it.  It doesn't mean I have any "super powers" ha ha, but only that I have learned to really "pay attention" and by way of the Holy Spirit who has equipped me,  to "tune in" to others.  I think that this comes from walking through significant loss. I remember while others went on with their normal lives, I wanted to scream out because I was still deeply hurting.   At times felt like I was literally drowning in my own sorrows, and as bad as I wanted to cry out to someone to "save me" from the pain, yet I was still expected to move on like life was as it was before.   I felt nobody could relate, that they wouldn't really understand the depth of the pain, and I also knew that there was only ONE that could heal this pain and He was already walking me through it....just not as fast as I would have liked.
Because of walking this path of deep grief and wishing people understood or  could "hear" me crying out with my hearts pain,  I think from that point I must have made it a point to be detailed  and extremely sensitive with what others might be feeling.  I often joke that I am anally detailed (I think I just heard my husband yell AMEN! ha ha).  That can be good and bad, but with other people, and their feelings I really find myself wanting to understand them and what they may or may not be saying..... their body language, words, even the things they aren't speaking out loud..  Do I miss it, of course, I am human, but my heart really wants to be tentative to others hurts.  
As I was speaking with a group of campers at a speaking engagement last week, we talked about the thoughts in our heads, the things we think about and feel on the inside.  We talked about how we only really share or speak out a tiny percentage of all the thoughts we have in a day.  I made the suggestion of having them imagine if all of our thoughts went onto a big screen or we walked around with word bubbles over our heads.  There were groans heard around the room, including mine.  ha ha.  Well praise God that isn't the case....what a mess that could be.  However, when you are trying to help people or be there for someone in their pain, word bubbles could be helpful.  Unfortunately, behind their smiles and tough exteriors...could very well be a breaking heart, a heart torn into pieces.  
I always tell people going through grief two main things....1. Never make any major life changing decisions while in the depths of grief, and 2.  Don't mask, bandaide, or stifle your grief or emotions, but instead walk through them and genuinely pour them out some how.  It hurts horribly doing so, but you will get through grief faster without masking it.
  Its easy for me to say those things, even though I know this is wisdom from personal experience, but its another when you are actually in the valley of it......this is why I try hard to "tune in" to what is NOT being said..."people watch" if you will.  I may not be able to catch it all, but the Holy Spirit knows all.
What is someone feeling that they may be afraid to say or just not saying.  Crying out and asking for help is often seen as a weakness, but its really not. The opposite is actually true.   Sometime you just need to say "I FEEL LIKE I AM DYING INSIDE" or "THIS IS CRUSHING ME".  The last thing the enemy wants is for us to cry out for help.  He relishes in our suffering and then if we do cry out he fills us with lies of how weak or selfish we are.....do you see the twisted cycle.
    Within our regular lives, I am guilty of getting busy and dealing with the crazy schedules of life.  Things get busy and loud and even more busy.  We hardly have time to get through our own days, let alone stop to examine what someone else might be going through (I've been guilty many times).
Might I challenge us all to "tune in", without judgement, and "people watch", to take a moment to look people in the eye and compassionately into their hearts.  I personally hate to ask people the question of "How are you doing?", because so often culturally, its just used as a greeting and we answer it with "I'm fine", when sometimes we just really aren't fine....sometimes we are hurting, we just don't want to burden others. If you are asking this of someone you truly love and care about, dig deeper, look deeper. 
I love the verse in Proverbs 27:17 where it talks about iron sharpening iron.  So often we help people get the knife out but never attempt to engage and assist in sharpening the blade.  I'm guilty.  
In connecting with others, lets try to use more than just our sense of hearing, but lets engage with our eyes too, and by all means our hearts.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul.  Lets stop what we are doing and look deeper.  Its possible that we may not hear someones pain but that we may see it and we may sense it.  God Bless Y'all ;) 

You Can Do It!!

     After years of not racing, some health issues, and just getting older (with the adding of extra pounds), and by the urging of my oldest daughter, I ran my first 5k in many years.  I was not ready physically but have been slowly heading in that direction.  I joking say, I was "in shape"....but my own distinct shape, not so much considered athletic any longer, but have been working to change that.  She, on the other hand, is in incredible shape and is a gifted athlete....oh how I miss those days for myself and hope to get them back to the level that I can at this point in my life.  I am a determined girl, always have been, but as I get older, its been harder physically for obvious reasons, but I will.  I'm also an encourager, and have tried hard to impress the importance of being an encourager to my own children.  Little did I know that it would play a huge role in my own race this morning.  My goals for this race were simple: 1.  to encourage my daughter to run ahead and do the very best she could and not wait for me. 2. to finish, 3. to not be last, and 4. not to die. :) All goals were accomplished, but not without a struggle.
   My daughter is nearly 15, and not long after her Daddy died I started running as an adult.  Part of it was a way of dealing with stress, to get back into shape, and to give me a focus for ME.  I remember my first 5k was when Kennedy was nearly 4 and I pushed her in a jogging stroller, then the next year at nearly 5 she ran with me. Part of the way she was able to run and I encouraged her to go as far as she could, some of it however she just couldn't do it, so I put her "piggy back" on my back and we kept plugging along...yep, back then I could do that.  
Today was so unique for me, so many memories of doing this race before, but things were so different.  Today I encouraged her to go ahead without me.  I KNOW the genes that girl has and I KNOW her giftings of what she can do athletically, I've had the privilege of being her coach for all of her athletic years so far.  Shes an athletic beast.  I knew she would do well.  Our plan was for her to call me when she was done, so I had my phone and my bluetooth in my ear.  When my phone rang as I was running I was at the 2 mile mark and had just finished the "Hill from Hell".  Those who ran, KNOW the hill I speak of.  My out of shape legs were crying out, I really wasn't sure how I was going to finish, but when my phone rang and I heard her say "she was done", it motivated me to keep going, because I knew she would be waiting at the end of the race.    A few second later she text me "You can do it Mom!!"   I thought of how our tables had turned and how it was now HER cheering ME on to keep going as far as I could.  It wasn't long before I had my eye on the Golden Dome of Notre Dame, and I knew the finish line had to be close.  I could not see the finish line, my legs were on fire and honestly I was spent, but I KNEW I had to keep going and that soon I would see it.  The Lord in our relationship and the way He speaks to me, of course, took an opportunity and had to remind me at that very moment, of how even though we cannot see the finish line, we KNOW where He is calling us, and what He is calling us to do.  We may feel spent, tired, and very unsure of just how we are gonna make it...and we still cant see the finish line, but He knows where its at.  In His own way He sends us encouragement. He may even use people in your life, to tell us "you can do it!!" and tells us to keep going....but we have to keep our eyes fixed on Him and on the goal.
    It wasn't long after he "downloaded" those thoughts into my head and I smiled, because He uses moments in my life to do just that, is when I saw the finish line in sight.  Id like to say that I ran with all my might, but to be honest, I stayed steady at my same pace focusing on not slowing down, not getting distracted by all the "hullabaloo" at the finish line, but to stay focused on the goal.  It was tough for me, I aint gonna lie, but I was glad I did it, and I will do it again.
The Lord, no doubt, has set something before you that you are just not sure HOW you are going to do it, or how its going to come about.  Let me encourage you today to keep running,  and even though you cant see the finish line, He can.  Even though you feel spent, tired and unsure of how you are going to get to where He is taking you, keep your eyes on the prize and focused on Him.  May the Lord bless you.

Make Sure You Are Tuned In

     I'll never forget the time when I was driving down the road, and had Kamdyn with me in the back. I don't completely remember what it was about but I remember being super angry or irritated with someone (no it was not my husband ha ha). I had not said a word to anyone out loud about what I was angry about but I do remember being consumed in my thoughts and irritation and what I was gonna say to this person, someone I really had not known a real long time. As I became engulfed in my anger and thoughts that I had not shared with a soul, all the while planning in my head what I was going to say to this person, Kamdyn yells to me from the back in her somewhat stern voice, very uncharacteristic tone of how a 4 year old should speak or NOT speak to their mother....."Don't Say A Word!!!!"     At that moment I was first shocked, but my mind sobered up from my own thoughts in a hurry and I asked Kamdyn "what made you say that?", and in her sweet honest 4 year old voice said to me ..."I don't know, but God told me to". I was breathless. I began to weep. I knew God had used my 4year old to get my attention because I wasn't listening. I was so consumed with myself, my anger, my own thoughts and plans that I missed it. I missed His still small voice, the one that gives guidance, love , direction and correction. Instead of catching myself and taking myself to the Throne Room....I got myself, my mind, lost in a tizzy. Gods plan is perfect. If we do things our way, we are sure to fail. His ways are higher and there to protect us from a fall. I thank God my 4 year old was sensitive that moment to the Spirit of God, because it no doubt saved me from falling on my face. I never want to miss it, but I admit, I've missed it many times, but He doesn't want us to. He's there to help us and direct us but we have to listen, turn on our hearing aides, have our antennas tuned in geared to listen in. Shut off the spam of our own making and tune in to The Maker who will surely direct us, our mouths and actions, to a more pleasing, and peaceful outcome, one that can still speak truth but one saturated with love and meant for kingdom building and not destruction.

Stay On Your Nest

     At my school, since we are an environmental school, we are actually starting to raise chickens as part of our environmental program.  There has been a lot of talk about chickens and raising them, what they eat, shelter for them and predators we may have to worry about.  All this talk of chickens got me thinking about a story I once heard about a snake that had invaded the hen house and was looking for a free meal.  Not looking at the chickens as his meal but eating chicken eggs.  The farmer knew there was a problem when the hens, most of them refused to enter back into the hen house and seemed to be in a frenzy of activity...he knew something wasn't right.  He took a peek in the hen house and saw that there was a good sized snake that had devoured some of the eggs, but at that moment he was attempting to get a hen off its nest so that it could devour its eggs.  The hen was refusing to move, staring at the snake and kept pecking at the snake when the snake would get too close, but the hen still refused to move.  I really admire this hen in so many ways because she stared that snake in the face and she refused to back down of what she knew to be hers.

    In His Word, God has promises us so many things: Supplying our needs, that His grace is sufficient, that we will not be overtaken, that we have victory over death, that all things work together for good for those who love and serve Him, Eternal life, Peace and rest, power and strength, healing and wholeness etc....

   Like this hen, have you ever had the enemy in your face, staring you down, breathing his stanky breath in your face, telling you that you are doomed in one way or another because he was there to steal from you?  How have you reacted?  Did you run out of the hen house clucking and or screaming or did you stare that enemy in the face and claim what GOD SAYS IS ALREADY YOURS?!

I know I have spoken of this before but it wasn't too many years ago that the enemy was all up in my face trying to freak out my family and myself after my husband had been in an accident that was not his fault, yet everyone seemed to be knocking on our door and sending us law suits.  At first I was the hen that started to get up off her nest and cluck around, but I was quickly reminded of what God has promised me.  In a two year battle I stayed on my nest.  I not just stayed but sat their strongly and stubbornly and stared that enemy down, pecking at him with Gods Word when he tried to get me off my nest and steal what was ours.  I STOOD ON GODS WORD AND CLAIMED IT!!  The battle wasn't ours to fight, we just had to stand as the Bible talks about in Ephesians 6:13  "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.".   I am so glad that I knew ahead of time what Gods Word says, what His promises are so immediately I knew what to stand on.  In the end we didn't pay a dime to anyone for anything, not even court or attorney fees.  I admit there were times I became weary but I just kept pecking away at the enemy with the Word.  Praise God for Victory.

Is the enemy trying to steal from you?  Remind that snake that his breath stinks and what Gods Word says for your life and don't get off your nest...hold fast.

Giving Ourselves Away

      I have never been shy about being open with my life and its struggles. This isn’t a brand new struggle  that's never been known to man kind, but one I’m having to walk through faster than what I thought I was ready for…letting go.  My daughter Kennedy’s grandmother recently received the news that her cancer had come back and had spread.  This is not the news any of us wanted to hear, but we stand in faith and the Word of God claiming that by the stripes of Jesus she is healed!!  She, however, made a request that Kennedy could join her and the rest of my late husband Todd’s family, in the Bahamas this year for spring break…having the whole Windsor clan down there together all at once.  I will admit I struggled with this decision of allowing my daughter out of the country without a guardian (my husband Tim or myself).  My daughter is 14 years old and in high school.  I thought I would have three more years before I’d have to “let her go” if she chose to go away to college, so this caught me off guard a bit.  After doing some praying about it for about 24 hours with Tim and along with some close friends, I had peace about it, but I knew it was going to be something hard I was going to have to walk through….Momma was gonna have to grow up a little. ;) 

Kennedy, Tim and I had many many conversations about what to expect, and what we expected her to do or not to do, for example, never go anywhere alone I don’t care how safe you feel etc…

Then yesterday came, where I knew I was going to have to drop her off with her Aunt Marcy whom she was going to be flying with, and whom will take amazing care of her.  I  still knew, however, that I was going to HAVE to do the “official letting go”.  I told her in advance, don’t be surprised if I cry.  I’ll try hard not to, but you are my baby and so this is hard for me.  She knew I was excited for her, but also was struggling so she just smiled and nodded.  As I dropped her off and chatted with her aunt and gave some specific instructions, Kennedy hugged me.  I told her I loved her and then started to feel the tears rising up. I very quickly and abruptly said goodbye and left.  Kennedy caught on right away and just smiled. I tried so hard but I no sooner turned my head to go to my car and the tears were falling.  I cried all the way home and continued on and off silently right into the arms of my husband who was there waiting for me.  He knew as soon as he looked at me what was wrong, and he just hugged me and said, “She’ll be fine.”  I already know that, but the hardest part is the letting go.  I did okay the rest of the night for the most part, but battled thoughts now and then.  

        For the last few days I have been listening to a CD in my car of a worship service some of my best friends and I did back in January.  Within that CD, I have been kinda “camping out” on a song my  best friend Sean led called “I Give Myself Away” by William McDowell.  Sean’s voice and gifting to play the keys is so anointed, that you can feel the Spirit moving every time I listened to it.   My daughter Kamdyn rides with me much of the time as I have gone about my errands, so she has also heard the song a lot recently, and actually was also at the actual service.  Last night as I lay in bed, struggling with missing my oldest daughter, my thoughts were halted by suddenly hearing Kamdyn start to sing this song at the top of her lungs in worship while she lay in her own bed. It tickled me so much to hear her singing as she too is a worshipper at heart.  Here are the words:

******************************************************

[Chorus:]
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

[Verse 1:]
Here I am
Here I stand
Lord, my life is in your hands
Lord, I'm longing to see
Your desires revealed in me
I give myself away

[Verse 2:]
Take my heart
Take my life
As a living sacrifice
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I place them in your hands

[Chorus:]
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me
I give myself away
I give myself away
So You can use me

******************************************************

As she continued to sing, my own thoughts were drown out in worship and my mood was changed. At some point after that I must have fallen asleep.  I woke up about 1 am and immediately thought about her and began to pray in the Spirit instead of allowing myself to fret.  I eventually at some point went back to sleep.  I woke at 5 am and immediately thought of her again and began to pray.  As I was looking at my phone my sister-in-law text me to let me know that they were on their way to the airport, Kennedy with Starbucks in hand.  I replied..”that’s my girl”. ;)

     This morning as I was riding in my car on my way to work with the CD player going.  I looked at the clock and thought to myself that my daughter Kennedy and her family would soon be in the air….and again the tears began to come.  The tears of struggling to let go.  It may seem a bit dramatic as some would say…its only for a week, but she’s my girl and one of the only things I have left of a combo of her Daddy (my late husband Todd), and myself, and she is my baby, I don’t care how old she gets, she will always be my baby.  I thought I had at least 3 more years before I would have to start letting her go and head to college.  She wants to be a missionary after college so I guess I should get used to this right?!  It doesn't stop the tears from flowing now however.  I still remember my own mother crying for quite awhile after dropping my older brother off at college 8 hours from home.  The struggle is very real.  If I am honest with myself too, its really less about this actual trip, and more just about the "letting her go...letting her grow".....and me growing too.

Then at that moment the tears began to flow again, I hear my friend Sean, who has been tremendous mentor, friend, and truth speaker in my life, begin to sing via the CD “I Give Myself Away”. The tears begin to flow even harder, and I say “ok Lord, I get it, I get it already.”

Part of “giving ourselves away” is letting go of self and all things “us”.  Kennedy is my daughter, I'd give my life for her, but if I were honest, she really is NOT MINE to keep. I love her more than words, but I still do not love her more than God, she is His daughter too. She was His daughter first.  She is fearfully and wonderfully made and He has a plan for her life like it talks about in Jeremiah 29:11, one with a hope and a future.   The Lord placed her into my care to raise her,  bring her up,teach her about Him, and to take care of her for a time.  It's true that she is part of me but yet I still have to “give myself away”, my selfishness, the possessiveness that wants to hold on to her and keep her little forever.  The struggle  is not a new one, but it is very real.  I need to release her to Him because He wants to work more in her life on a deeper level, to use her, to reveal things to her to be used both now and in the future.  If I hold on too tightly, she may miss something He has laid out for her because my selfishness and getting in the way.  I also may miss something He has for me, something he wants to reveal in me, some place higher that He is also calling me to be.  I can’t say to God,  “my life is in your hands” if I am holding so tightly to it…any aspect of it.  So as I drive and listen and wipe the tears from my face, I then eventually begin to laugh.  Leave it up to God to use the singing voice of one of my very best friends…a trusted soul and truth speaker in my life,  to speak into me at that very moment to get the message across.  Well played Lord, well played. ;) 

   I know I am not the first to walk this journey and I wont be the last, but I am vocal about my life as He calls me to be, so for that reason I share as I walk through reality, the growing pains, the real struggles.  My deepest desire is to be used by God, and He works in me to shake away and declutter things that don’t need to be there…a house cleaning if you will.   He wont stop until all is cleansed as He is looking for an unshakable Kingdom.  Is there anything you need to "let go" of in your life??   He IS calling us higher. 

Be a Blessing

   Way back in the day, it was not uncommon to help a neighbor with whatever need they might have.  When you could use a handshake for an agreement that might be considered a major agreement today.  I often admire the Amish because you hear about them doing a barn raising, it seems the whole community pitches in to get that barn up. It is defined as " Barn raising addressed the need by enlisting members of the community, unpaid, to assist in the building of their neighbors' barns. Because each member was entitled to recruit others for help, the favor would eventually return to each participant."  Although in the end it states that the favor would return to each participant, how many barns does one need in a lifetime, because barns last for years and years, so you know when this happens, not every participant will necessarily benefit from it in the future and be "paid back", and Id like to think that most of them know that and are participating to just be a blessing, because its the right thing to do. 
Have you ever just done something for someone out of love and not looking for something in return?  I would like to think that we all have, but it seems to happen less and less.  With as many years as I have taught, I see this in schools more and more.  Its not uncommon for me to ask students to do something such as, pick up scraps of papers off the floor,  help pick up something that was dropped by another student etc... and they want to know what it in it for them, or I hear the famous "I didn't do it".  REALLY?!  Seriously, we need to get back to  helping a neighbor just because they have a need, and extending a hand to help and not looking for a hand out.  
In the Bible, Zechariah 8 talks about how we are saved to be a blessing.
Have you ever thought of that?  We are saved and expected to be a blessing to others.  Unfortunately many think they are doing all they can do to take care of themselves therefore they can't possibly be a blessing to anyone else.  This is the wrong way of thinking.....it is in being a blessing that we become blessed, or more blessed.  
I am not saying this to build myself up, but one of my favorite things to do is bless someone if I can.  I can say that I have been unexpectedly blessed by others many times when the blessing was really really needed.  I can think of countless amounts of people who blessed me during the loss of my husband back in 2001.  I couldn't even think straight but yet every meal was paid for, or provided, my daughter was taken care of and all bills were paid, and my job at work was covered with lesson plans provided by my coworkers.  I think for me it was during that time, after things began to settle down, that I realized the countless amount of people who had blessed me and my family, some I didn't even know from across the world.  Not one of them expecting me to "pay them back" but did it because God led them to and they felt it was the right thing to do.  Slowly but surely "my barn" was built right before my eyes.  I think it was then my heart realized that I wanted to be a blessing, or a popular phrase today is "pay it forward".   When Todd died, the church we were part of in Elkhart, Indiana had a cemetery as part of their property and they offered me a plot where Todd could be buried with the agreement that I would later buy it for. The night I finally went in to pay the money, we also had worship team practice.  When I arrived I was privately informed that the church board had decided to donate the plot to me rather than me pay for it....another blessing handed to me.  I literally had the money in hand but thanked them with tears in my eyes, and placed it in my pocket.  Just a few minutes later when we began to pray before practice, I heard about a need of one of our members .  Her and her spouse had been laid off from their jobs and they weren't even sure how they were going to buy groceries for their family for this next week.  I knew immediately what I was going to do with the money I had in my pocket.  I knew what the Lord was asking me to do.  I privately approached her after practice and handed her the money and told her that I knew it was meant for her and her family and that the Lord has blessed me, and so it is being passed to you.  She was completely speechless but full of tears, knowing what I personally had been walking through in my life.  I hugged her and walked away feeling more joy that I had felt in weeks, it was quenching like water in the dry land.  
This was a huge moment in my life because I experienced deeply the joy of the Lord in being a blessing.  I have actually had other people say to me after blessing someone " well, you only did it do receive joy, so you didn't do it for nothing".   Joy is a benefit of being a blessing to anyone, its so thick it feels tangible and its also contagious.  Joy is free to us, part of walking with Him, and God wants us to walk in His joy daily...its our strength.  When you follow His leading and are obedient to whatever He asks you to do no matter what it is, there is joy involved to be experienced.  So call it what you will.  God knows your heart when you bless someone and  I find that people who are more focused on looking for the negative, need more joy in their life, so go ahead and bless them too. ;)
May I encourage you to also be open to receiving blessings.  Its not always easy when someone wants to bless you because somehow the enemy wants us to believe that maybe we "owe that person" or that is makes us look vulnerable.  I say "hog wash!"  If someone wants to bless you, don't be the one to steal the blessing of joy that they may receive from being a blessing to you.
   I want to encourage you today to help someone, it may seem small to you, but to them it will be a great thing and it may change their entire perspective, it may just give them the uplift they so desperately need - you have the power to do that. 
God said in Zechariah 8; I will save you, deliver you and bless you so that you can be a blessing...will you do that?