I've wanted to write about this for a long time but, of course, was waiting on the right time to do so. From the time I was little, it seems I've grown up around boys. For years, I was the only girl in the family amongst my brother and male cousins who lived just across the farm field and in town. All of us were close in age with me being the youngest, until several years later when I had a female cousin born - finally. ;) Even then, however, there was quite an age difference between she and I. These guys were my play mates for years. Much of the time I learned quickly to defend myself physically, and know when to run. Although I know my mother put me in dresses from time to time, I would have ditched that quickly for a pair of raggedy jeans and tennis shoes to go and play in the mud, or climb on the farm equipment at the family Tractor/ Farm Equipment Sales Business.
So for me, hanging with the boys was a normal way of life.
When my parents divorced, we moved, and things changed. My brother was still around to play with, and fight with, but my dad really wasn't anymore. Although now I know my Dad loved me as much as he knew how, (and I see this far more clearer as an adult), he had a difficult time showing me how much, as he struggled to love himself, and see past the alcohol that fogged his view. Although another testimony in itself, a father is a girls "first love". When that first love isn't consistent, and present, its very easy for rejection and abandonment issues to form. I struggled a lot of my life trying to please my Dad with the hopes of him putting down the bottle and instead hear him say "I love you" or "I'm proud of you". In many ways I became an "over achiever" trying to win his attention and trying not to fail. Its taken me years to tame down my "over achiever mode" and recognize that my Dad's struggles, and lack of attention toward me, really had nothing to do with me, but his own battles. If I could talk to him again I would tell him I love him and that I forgive him, and that I understand now. Although I mean no disrespect toward my fathers memory, he himself would easily admit he was not a good role model. I'm thankful for my step-father who entered my life several years later and was the Godly Fatherly influence I needed to begin to correct my thinking about men. Although he loved me and treated me as his own, much of the time, to a certain extent, I pushed that bond away, trying to fight so hard for my own fathers attention. It wasn't until I was closer to adulthood that I realized the impact and patience he truly had on my life. I was then so sorry that I had wasted time pushing that bond away like I did.
Throughout school I was always a girl that had mostly guy friends. Lots of myths about being "that girl", whatever you have drawn up in your own mind, or own experiences. For me, much of it had to do with wanting less drama and more about athletics in my life. I was the only girl invited at recess by the boys to play ball and was rarely chosen last when teams were picked. I was the only girl invited to play on the football team by the coach, back in the day, before that may have been called discrimination. For me, playing hard, rough and tumble with the boys was normal. My brother and I have a good laugh now and then about him taking me around the neighborhood, (and we jokingly say "pimping me out") to bet the neighborhood boys that his sister could beat them up for whatever amount of money was bet. I have to say we never lost a bet. Not sure now whether I'm embarrassed by that or not. Eventually, though school I found more of my feminine side and toned my beastly self down a bit, and I laugh about it now. When I became an adult and began to dissect some things in my life that concerned me, I found the root cause was that I really felt robbed of that fatherly influence, that Godly man influence...something that was such an incredible desire in my heart. My step-father tried and has always been there for me unconditionally, but by the point of realization and recognition of this all, I had moved out state and did not see him on a regular basis any longer. Its taken years for me restore in my own heart the relationship with him that I had taken for granted for so long, and I only had myself to blame. When I asked to Lord to forgive me for losing so many years by allowing the enemy to steal from me what he had, it wasn't long before God began to restore my life, my heart, and my self esteem, by placing Godly men in my life. As a matter of fact, it was my college volleyball coach, who had also been the son of an alcoholic, whom God first used to help me to see my life a bit more clearly, and that my fathers alcoholism really had nothing to do with me.
Over the years, as I have taken different paths in my life, I can see how God has placed Godly men in my life on purpose, to show me what it is supposed to look like, to friend me, to mentor me, to strengthen me, or to just be a blessing. I'm incredibly blessed with a Godly husband who sees it clearly and gets it, and that can only be of God. I have no words to describe just how thankful I am for the Godly men in my life but I can tell you when I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. For what the enemy stole, God has provided back into my life. I'm reminded of the verses in Deuteronomy 30:3-13.
Godly men are so important to women. The world has perverted the very thought of these relationships, but having brothers and sisters in the Lord to me is priceless. Its purposeful. For me, its healing. I have jokingly said among my husband and male counterparts "I love men!!". Now if you heard me just say such a thing and didn't know my heart or testimony, you may be drawn to a creative, yet concerning conclusion about that statement. ha ha. What I guess I should be saying out loud is "I love Godly Men!!" as if to shout from the rooftop...THANK YOU JESUS FOR GIVING BACK TO ME WHAT THE ENEMY TRIED TO STEAL FROM MY LIFE. The enemy tried to make me think that men could not be counted on, that men would abandon me and not love me for me etc..... but its a lie. He not only gave it back to me, but I have an amazing abundance of overflow of amazing, Godly men He has put in my life and continues to do so. He did that for me to show me...this is how much I love you as your Heavenly Father, and this is what its supposed to look like on earth. Amen.
