Twelve years
ago today, March 8th, 2001, my life changed forever when my husband
Todd went home to be with the Lord at the young age of 35. It seems that I only reflect publicly on this
anniversary day, but the truth is, that it is a daily reflection for me. This may be hard to believe, but not a day
has gone by in these twelve years when I haven’t reflected on the loss of Todd
in some way.
I married Todd in 1997, and became wife and
step-mom to Payton. In June of 2000,
Payton was joined by his sister Kennedy.
Just a few short months after that Todd became sick with what we thought
was the flu….a question I still have yet to have answered.
Sadly I have had someone actually say to
me after his death, “well you were ONLY married 4 years” as if to minimize the
pain involved, or to heartlessly try making the situation insignificant. This to me was as cruel as if I went to
someone who had just lost a baby and said “well you only had them for a couple
days”, as if this somehow magically makes it less significant. I guess the lesson that I took from that was
that some would be better off using a glue stick, than a chap stick.
I miss many things about Todd, but mostly I
miss his sense of humor, his creativity, and his laugh. I think of how much the children would have
loved to have gotten to know him. He
would have loved them dearly, and been incredibly proud of them, as well as his
nieces and nephews that didn’t get the chance to watch grow up, or with some
even meet for the first time.
I know in my heart how proud he would have
been of me for so many things. He always
was my biggest cheerleader in so many ways.
He believed in me when I couldn’t find a way to believe in myself in
various things. This is why he was such
an incredible teacher and his students loved him.
He taught
hundreds of students in his years of teaching, which’ve grown up and moved into
careers of their own. I still get letters
or see some of them from time to time who will tell me just how much he meant
to them. I do understand.
Death is such a final thing, because we
can’t go back and change things…it’s too little too late for regrets or woulda,
coulda, shoulda’s, but God uses all things for His glory. Even
though Todd is gone, I’m still learning many things from his legacy. Over the years dealing with his death and
walking through that valley, has taught me to be more compassionate to others. Loss is a difficult experience that we all
must walk through but not one is the same.
I have no idea what it’s like to lose a child, a sibling, a mother, etc….
but I do know what it is like to lose a spouse.
I have recognized that everyone’s loss is in some points the same, but
each loss is unique and the pain is real.
I cannot ever say that “I know how you feel” because I will never be
you, nor will you be me….but I assure you, the pain is something I would not
wish upon anyone. Because of that, I
grieve when someone else walks through any kind of loss and try never to judge
how they react to such an experience when they move forward in life.
I’ve learned to thank God daily for His
provision. At a time when I thought I
would lose everything, let alone deal with the grief, the Lord carried me
though without fail on all accounts, and still continues to do just as He
promised in my life.
I’ve learned to forgive, and be quick
about it and offer love to all regardless if they receive it or not.
I’ve learned
to reach for goals and the plans that God has for my life with boldness even
though I can’t see the other side because this life will be gone in the blink
of an eye.
I’ve learned not to worry too much about what
others say because everyone has an opinion, and those that matter will cheer
you on, and those that mind probably shouldn’t matter.
I’ve learned to move forward because moving
backward just isn’t productive for moving on with life. I know that he would have been so proud of me
for not staying in the past but making the best out of my life that I could.
I’ve learned to sing even when I’m
scared. Todd heard me sing for the first
time just a few weeks before he passed away and during the time I sang, he had
tears streaming down his face the entire time, afterward telling me that it was
a gift from God and that I should be using my gift and not hiding it under
fear. I’ve not stopped singing since.
I’ve learned that legacy is important to
think about as I live each day. As I live my life it’s important to be
responsible enough to know that the things that I do and say, I will not only
be accountable for in Heaven, but may have an effect on those here on earth.
Todd was not
perfect and would laugh at such a gesture, but he did touch my life in a way
that will stay with me forever. His loss
is still felt daily, especially as I look into my daughter’s eyes. I am
thankful for the time we had together, however long or short one sees it, and
the fact that I know he would be proud of the person I have become, and how I
have raised and continue to raise our daughter. I have no doubt he would be cheering me on and running along side me screaming at the top of
his lungs to keep going - thats the kind of guy he was. J
You can read more about my testimony of loss in a previous blog post called "The Day I Lost My Husband"
