In the Fog.....

     After spending several hours in the hospital with my youngest daughter yesterday, who while fighting an extremely high fever, was diagnosed with Influenza, we eventually we brought her home. I knew that she would be out of school the rest of the week, as well as me being home, from teaching school, to be with her.  
This morning both my  school corporation and the  school corporation my kids attend were blessed with 2 hour delays due to  heavy dense fog.  I was so thankful for that delay because it allowed me to run into my school while my oldest daughter was able to stay with my sick daughter and not feel super rushed to get everything done I needed to.
As I was driving through the dense thick fog in the dark, at one point I completely lost all visibility.  I was trying to hurry to get to the school and get things done, because I knew there would be a lot to do in a short amount of time to get copies made and plans laid out for 3 subjects and 4 different grade levels, for two days worth of lessons. 
When I lost all visibility, it only lasted for a second, but when I was able to see again, the road had curved and I nearly wrecked my vehicle by almost hitting a sign that was in the median.  I was able to quickly swerve and avoid crashing.  Already slightly anxious, that quick moment freaked me out. Although I had not felt as if I was originally going too fast for conditions at all, I slowed WAY WAY DOWN.  I took a deep breath and said "Thank you Lord!"  I then REALLY began to focus hard on the headlights shining to light my path, and focus intricately on every single inch of the roadway that I could see which wasn't more than a few feet ahead of my vehicle.
It was in that moment when I was driving, that God spoke to me in my spirit as He often does in regular daily activities.  He said;
"Sometimes we get so anxious about what is ahead in life that we actually lose focus and can then easily lose control when brought to a curve in our path."  He said, "Trust in the ONE that lights the path. Slow down, rest and focus in Me, trusting that I am indeed lighting the path at the right time and speed for My perfect plan."  (Psalm 119:105,  Proverbs 3:5-6).
   I just smiled and again said "Thank you Lord!".  I am always so appreciative of those moments of affirmation of His Word in my life. 
As you walk through the fog of life, trust Him. We often have no idea what is ahead and in our minds the struggle can be REAL.   Trust that He knows the way, and that He will perfectly light every single inch of the path at the proper time and place.  His timing is perfect for the specific plan He has on your life.  F.O.G also stands for Favor of God, so remind yourself today that when you dwell in the secret place of  the Most High God, you indeed walk in the shadow of  the Almighty, which includes  His favor and protection.  (Psalm 91).  Blessings to you and yours.

The Perfect Soil for Love and Healing

     Years ago, during a winter much like displayed here in the Midwest last week, with below zero temps, I had a pipe freeze at the house that I lived at.  It burst, spewing water shooting out from the wall into the garage and out to the driveway.  My boyfriend drove over quickly to help me deal with the situation.  When he arrived he assessed the situation and immediately knew what to do to shut the water off and take the next steps to begin to repair.  Some time during that time he came back into the house and he could tell by looking at me that I was not okay.  It was at that point I began to have an anxiety attack.  It was clear that he had never seen me in that type of mode before.  He stopped and looked at me and paused.  He then walked over to me and held on to me, hugging me tightly letting me cry.  He calmly and soothingly said to me "Jen, things like this happen.  The good news is that it is out in the garage and not spewing out into the house".  For me, this was a bit of a normal reaction to being traumatized an feeling out of control.  3 years prior, I had been widowed unexpectedly,  and also lost my father unexpectedly close together, within the same year.  My boyfriend, now husband, could have chosen to have a different reaction.  Trust me, years later when we recalled this incident, that moment was defining moment for him as well.  He could have easily said "I'm out, she's nuts", but instead he chose, to not only assess the burst pipe situation, but also assessed my anxiety situation.  He knew all that I had walked through just a couple years prior, and although it was not necessarily a normal reaction, he knew that for me it was my normal for where I was at, at that moment. He truly made a choice, in that moment, to put himself in my shoes and empathize with what I was dealing with. The emotions, the fear, the reality of me feeling like things were once again spinning out of control in my life, even in the most basic sense....the emotions were real.  One of his giftings, I can see now even more clearly since we have now been married for over 12 years, is remaining calm and being able to speak life to me when death voices feel like they are screaming chaos and confusion until I can get a hold of my own thoughts.  I witnessed this just a couple years ago again, when I was dealing with a full and challenging plate at work, coaching a full schedule, and had just found out my best friend, who received an unexpected job offer, that he may be moving across the country....it was just too much I was dealing with all at once.  I was struggling so much that I came home on my lunch hour one day to "step away", knowing my husband was home on vacation. He knew upon looking at me that I was struggling.  He listened intently, empathized with me, and opened his arms and just let me feel and cry, as he spoke words of love to me.  Once I was done letting my emotions out I had bottled, I was able to collect myself and head back to work.
    A few years ago, one of my best friends, who had just given a concert, stood and greeted every guest who was standing in line waiting to meet her.  As I was there assisting her with whatever needs she had, I listened as she poured love into each fan.  So many came up and shared their personal stories with her one after another.  She purposefully and intently looked them in the eye and empathized each and every detail of what they shared.  At times of listening she teared up with them, laughed with them, prayed with them, and encouraged them with words of life, and then hugged them and they walked away with smiles.  Someone literally could have walked up and shared with her how they were traumatized because their cat had choked on a hairball and she would have fully and totally empathized with their situation and loved them right through it.  This day she showed me in full form just another example of what it is to love people right where they are, but mostly what empathy looks like.  That was another priceless example of love and empathy that I will never forget from people I love.

    Empathy - truly understanding and sharing the feelings of another - is what allows for love, kindness, and generosity to flourish.  And when that happens, everybody operates at their best.
   
    When you have the ability to empathize with someone and their situation, you give them the freedom to deal and heal.  After losing my husband years ago, I have met many women who have also, since then, lost their own husbands or people who have walked through the pain of loss.  When counseling with them, I am very careful as not to "slap my own band-aide" on them.  Usually the first thing I tell them after listening is that each loss is different even if loss itself is similar, because we are unique.  God made us each with our own individualized fingerprints...not another person created is exactly like us, even if they are your identical twin....they are still their own person.  Because of this very fact, it is not my place to ever tell someone how they should feel or what they should do.  I can only give my own testimony and share how I walked through it.  
To empathize is to truly, to the best of your ability, try and identify what it would feel like if you were going through what someone else was....their OWN unique situation, different from any other.  How might you feel if you were walking through that very situation RIGHT NOW, what emotions might that stir up?  What about others involved in the situation, what might they be feeling?  How might you want others to respond to you in that moment?
Notice I didn't say the word "fix".  An empathetic person does not necessarily, foolishly rush in, without thought, to fix or "band-aide" a situation. They are simply present, without judgment, listening, loving, encouraging, building up, prayerfully supporting as they do their best to identify with you. When we can truly do this for others, it allows them a platform to just be.  It allows them to walk freely to deal with the situation, and it allows growth, not at our pace, but at theirs.  I can think of no better place for love to flourish and heal a wounded soul. A perfect love that casts out all fear, a place allowing for people to become the best version of themselves.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Rom. 12:15)

… so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. (1 Cor. 12:25-26)

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal. 6:2)

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph. 4:32)

being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  (Phil. 2:2-4)

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  (1 Pet. 3:8)

Nostalgia

 
 For the last couple of years I have noticed that I am drawn to things antique and have been feeling nostalgic.  Things that remind me of my childhood and years gone by.  This summer I watched the eyes of my daughter roll back in her head as I suggested we go into some antique shops while on a road trip.  She obliged me anyway, and in we went. This fall it was the same, although my oldest seemed to have a bit more appreciation for my stories and memories.  I loved looking at and being "taken back" to a time with things I hadn't thought of in years.   Its really less about the things and more about the memories that go along with it.  I've slowly watched my girls become more interested as they have heard me speak of and point at different things and say, "Oh I remember that" or "we had that" or "I remember seeing that at my grandmothers house" etc..

 I'm thankful for so much of my childhood as I have many great memories, and some not so great but that's okay too.   I'm mostly that my mom and step-dad specifically saw fit that I knew who Jesus was and who I was in Him.  The importance of having a relationship with Him and sharing His love with others.  The importance of knowing and understanding His promises, and that all my hope is to be in Him and in Him alone.  It has been remembering THAT specifically that has served me well in life.

     Recently I was dealing with some traumatic news I was trying to process concerning the future of my school and job as well as some concerns about my husbands work with word of a possible strike.  I had been truly struggling with deep worry and fear and it was tearing me up, making me almost physically ill.  I had spent several days trying to digest it all on my own, wallowing in my own worry, trying not to burden my family, but yet I was a hot mess. 

A few days later, my best friend called me, and some of the first words out of his mouth, when we actually began talking about it, was "Jen, lets take a look at your life and look at all the places where God has failed you.....oh that's right, there isn't any!"

  After quite a long conversation of me processing, spilling my guts and tears and him reminding me of Gods promises and that I needed to "be still", I had settled down and finally collected myself. Everything He told me, I knew already, but my head was in a place where I needed to be reminded of God's promises and I needed to refocus.   It was over the last several days I began to think more and more about this truth in my life....that God has never failed me.  I have truly walked some extremely difficult roads, but it truly was a fact that my God has walked with me every step of the way and has ALWAYS provided. 

     I've been studying the use of memorial stones in the Bible.  In the book of Joshua chapter 4.  It is one of the climactic events in all of biblical history. The Israelites had waited forty years, but now the time had come. It is a poignant moment as they stride across the riverbed of the Jordan, opened for them by the miraculous power of God. Behind them, they leave the wearying decades of meandering around in a barren wilderness and the tragic memories of countless funerals for an entire generation of people who would not trust God's promises.
A new and welcome chapter opens before them! Before them lay a land richer than their dreams, more fruitful than their hopes, and more beautiful than their imagination. Now it is theirs by God's steadfast promise.  It must have felt surreal to finally stand in Canaan, kind of like when you unlock the door to your first home. You've envisioned it, planned for it, imagined what you will do with it…but when you step in that front door, your emotions soar! To be the fulfillment of an ancient promise to Father Abraham must have been overwhelming.  Their joy had been magnified by recent events. When they arrived at the Jordan, they found it is flood stage, menacing in its speed and dangerous from what it concealed.  The river was impassible, its crossing impossible.
But God intervened. God rolled back the waters of the Jordan River, just as He had done with the Red Sea. God meant what He had said through Moses years before. Here was His signature again, in the same way, to assure His people that He was good to His word. 

     I imagine there were songs and shouts as God's people worshiped and exulted in Him. But there was also one important act that calls for our attention. After Israel crossed, God gave Joshua some very specific instructions, recorded in Joshua 4:1-3: After the entire nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord spoke to Joshua, "Choose 12 men from the people, one man for each tribe, and command them, 'Take 12 stones from this place in the middle of the Jordan where the priests' feet are standing, carry them with you, and set them down at the place where you spend the night.' " Joshua did exactly what he was told, sending these select 12 men back to the riverbed of the Jordan where they were to bring back 12 stones—stones that at one point were buried, unreachable, covered by a challenge to the faith of God's people, but were now divinely accessible.  Twelve men hoisted heavy stones to their shoulders from Jordan's floor and then piled them together in the Promised Land, by God's command. They were stacked there as a sign, an unmistakable marker at the very place where God had demonstrated His power to overcome any obstacle to His will.
Because stones don't naturally stack, there would come a day when Israel's children would ask for an explanation for this phenomenon. Here's the answer God wants the next generation to know: "Tell them the story," says God in v. 7, "of how the waters of the Jordan were cut off in front of the ark of the Lord's covenant. When it crossed the Jordan, the Jordan's waters were cut off."
In verses 23-24, For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until you had crossed over, just as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which He dried up before us until we had crossed over. This is so that all the people of the earth may know that the Lord's hand is mighty, and so that you may always fear the Lord your God."
This is what happens when the impossible meets the promises of God. This is the outcome when the implausible comes up against the glorious riches of God in Christ Jesus.
     As I have remembered my friends words, meant to get my attention to refocus on, not the negative that Satan wanted me to focus on, but on ALL God has done and will do.  To me, this is the best way to be nostalgic.  He simply wanted to remind me that God is TRUE to His promises to His people and to keep my focus on that.  It doesn't mean that life doesn't get hard but His promises are still true. As much as I love looking at antiques that trigger memories of days gone by, this is truly such a remarkable way to remember what GOD has done in my past, where He has carried me.   This reminder has caused me to begin writing down, or "placing" my own memorial stones......of all the times God has been faithful...to focus on THAT, to celebrate THAT, rather than what the enemy wants my focus to be.  
The stones out of the Jordan marked the movements of God among His people. They testified of the willingness of a people to leave what they had known in order to go with God, to face challenges to their faith, to step into the water, to believe in what they could not see.  As we face life's challenges, it can be so easy to lose our focus when we don't know what is ahead. I believe that God allows us  memories and times to be nostalgic to give us moments to smile back at and to be used as strength to move forward. Although I would not want to relive every place that I have walked, I'm thankful for those "memorial stones" in my life that just continue to prove that although life is forever changing, He indeed is the same yesterday, today and forever and His promises are enough, He just wants us to keep our eyes on Him.

*credit: The Lesson of Stones

Pick Up Your Mat!!

     Months ago I had someone speak ill of me and my character as well as the character of a close friend.  Its not like its the first time its happened in my life, but it was someone I had trusted and never expected slander from, especially because of the leadership position they were in, but it happened.  It was words used flippantly and irresponsibly, not even something you joke about. It hurt me and hurt those I am close to.  One may not think that 5 little words about someone could have an affect but it did.  Sin does that.  We may think..."oh, I was just kidding" or "its just a small lie or embellishment", but a sin is a sin is a sin.  Some how, some where it has consequence. Even though its been many months later and I have forgiven for my own sake and my family and I have moved forward from it, but it has taken time and dealing with my own emotions of hurt and anger.   It is still having an impact on people I hadn't realized were affected who love me and are part of my "family" who are still dealing with anger over it.    Its the ripple affect of sin...doing exactly what Satan intended.  It is indeed Satan who comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) for the good that God is doing.  He will do anything to try and cease the work of the Father.  The enemy will do whatever he can to steal our joy at whatever moment he can....IF WE ALLOW HIM TO.  Its so easy to fall into that trap of letting the enemy steal our joy, Ive been guilty of it many times.
As I was talking with a friend last night about something they were walking through that started with sin on the part of another person and inevitably, it had stolen their joy, and left a big ole gaping hole.  They admitted that they were even a bit angry with God over the impact.  I am not for one second going to tell you that when someone sins against you that you aren't allowed to feel what you feel.  God gives us emotions as tools to help us maneuver through life and its challenges and sometimes we just feel what we feel when we are walking it out.  What I am going to say is that it is up to us how we allow those emotions to control us.  Go ahead and feel your emotion, but don't build a house there.  It seems way easier to say than to do, but it is a choice.  It's important to also pinpoint exactly where the emotions should be targeted.  So often its easy to blame God, but he is not the one seeking whom He may devour, that is the enemy. 1 Peter 5:8 Also I think the enemy gets blamed a lot for mans stupid choices.  The enemy may taunt or tempt people to do the wrong thing, but we do get a choice on whether or not we actually act upon it.  
So how long do we let the emotions fester?  Its hard to say, every person is different on how they deal with the load they carry.  Two things, however, come to mind in that statement.  First, we are not supposed to carry loads, we are supposed to cast our cares. (1 Peter 5:7)  Second, if its "festering", you need a physician.  I can think of no better Physician than the Great Physician, God Himself.
     When I was speaking to my friend and they were sharing their heart with me and I reminded them of all I have said above, I heard God then say to me in my Spirit "Pick up your mat and walk!", so out of my mouth came those words to my friend.  They became silent and reflective.  Finally they said with a smile and a chuckle "Yes Ma'am".
In John 5:1-18 and the story of the healing at the pool, Jesus asked the man who was invalid... "Do you want to get well?"  The man then responded with reasons he couldn't get well....because of what others were keeping him from doing (getting into the pool or not helping him).  Jesus then said "Pick up your mat and walk!"  Now the man could have chosen to stay on his mat and focus on the fact that he was invalid, or that nobody would help him or that they were getting in his way....OR he could decide to pick up his mat and walk.  I am happy he chose to get up.
Sometimes it takes someone in our lives to tell us to get over ourselves, suck it up, or call us out.  Sometimes we finally just get sick of sitting on out mats.  The beauty is that you get to decide and choose for yourself. Let God deal with the other persons sin.  I pray this day that you will have had enough of allowing your joy to be stolen by all the time you have given to sitting on your mat, even if it was someone else who put you there.  I pray that you will be moved to call the enemy out and let him know that he will no longer steal from you and that you are now PICKING UP YOUR MAT AND WALKING BY FAITH, FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.  Now GET UP AND WALK!

Deep Waters

     Yesterday afternoon, I had the pleasure of getting to go to the Dunes with my best friend, and a collective group of each of our own kids and friends etc..  Part of the fun of the dunes is going up the sand dunes, heading to the clay pits/ shoots and getting dirty, and walking through the muddy river/ creek to get back to the beach.  My youngest daughter is not a fan of getting dirty or muddy, and doesn't like bugs.  I had purposely not shared ALL the details of our fun adventure to come because I didn't want her to freak out.  She did great getting up the dunes and was fine until we got to the part where we headed into the water following the creek through the mud and muck.  She immediately hesitated and I assured her that she would be fine and that I would hold her hand all the way through if necessary.  I told her to trust me and she continued.  The water was cold and mucky and you sometimes had to climb over fallen tree limbs to get to where you were going.  There were bugs and probably other living things around that we were glad didn't make an appearance.  The water started out ankle deep, would get to waste deep at times and then back to knee deep.  You had to feel your way through the water with your feet because you didn't know what you were going to come upon you couldn't see, and have to climb your way over because the water was far from clear.  Much of the way she walked without assistance but needed reassurance that she would be fine.  There, however, was a part that the water dropped off and we had to climb over huge tree limbs and the water was close to being over her head.  I climbed over and stepped in first and she panicked when she saw me go into neck deep water.  I immediately turned around and held out my arms to her.  She put her arms around my neck, climbed on my back and held on.  When this first happen she was panicked, but again I assured her that I had her and would be with her through the deep water and would not let her go.  She held on tight and I moved forward through it without hesitation.  She soon realized that I truly had her and was not going to let her go, just as I had promised her.  It was literally in the midst of that, the Lord spoke to me in my spirit.  He said, "Just like I'm with you Jen", and I just smiled to myself and said "Thank you Lord".
  See, it had been a rough week as my summer comes to a close and I am also preparing to head back into teaching and coaching.  I  had been feeling very overwhelmed with the amount of all my duties, responsibilities, and training that had been going on.  Even at night my mind would not shut off to all I needed to accomplish.  I truly felt like I was starting on the journey of walking through water that was not clear and  of different depths, and feeling my way with my feet because I don't know what lies ahead, I just know I need to keep trudging through, moving forward, and trusting God.  At that moment, as I carried my own child, God used a visual, as He often does with me, to remind me of His promises to us.  He was reminding me that He is right there with us. 

Isaiah 43:2 says "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you...".

For many years, as I have walked through this journey of life, this has been one of my favorite verses.  He has proven just that to me over and over as I have walked through various depths of water, not sure if I would make it out, but He was always right there with His hand held out to me, and at times literally carried me.  I think sometimes in the depths of our panic, we forget this and we lose focus, but He is right there with us always, and reaching out for us to grab a hold when things feel deep and overwhelming. 
I pray that this is a blessed reminder to you as it has been to me, and brings peace to your heart this day.

To Be Understood

     As I sat in my car today laughing with my daughters about something as trivial as talking in funny accents like characters we have heard, and discussing bodily functions.... I just smiled.  I said to them..."This is normal right?  All families laugh and do silly stuff like we do right?!"  My oldest daughter assured me that we were indeed "different, and not the norm", but that they love every second of being different.  I personally don't know that we are much different than many families out there, but we definitely let it "all hang out" when we are together...we are just us, take it or leave it.  Over time I have learned that you will always be "too much" for some and "not enough" for others, and none of it really is your problem.  Life is short - so live it fully.  The whole conversation made me think of whom we act "ourselves" in front of mostly and that is those who seem to understand us - REALLY understand us, and we let our guard down.
AHHHHH! to be understood, such a refreshing concept.  EVERY PERSON on this planet desires to be understood.  Every time we attempt to communicate with others in some way, the desire is to be understood.  There is a quote I really like:
"There is nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood and understanding someone else". 
It is truly every one's deepest desire isn't it, even if we haven't always been the best at communicating it. 
     I think my favorite way to be "understood" is when I am in my mischief and shenanigan mode. I look over to my husband or at my best friends right before I am about to do or say something mischievous. I don't need to say a word to them....they just know I am about to do or say something simply by a look on my face and they know they can either join me or not.  Its because they truly know and understand me.
Recently I explained this "phenomenon" to someone who witnessed a non-verbal interaction in a crowded room between my best friend, who was standing across the room, and myself...we were clearly up to "no-good" and it was evident some type of mischief was about to go down (all in good fun of course)...all conversation done with a simple glance - ha ha! 
The other day I was with another of my best friends.  She could sense that I was upset about something and she simply looked me in the eye and said "Jen, I've got you, I know your heart, don't EVER doubt that" and as soon as she said that, the tears flowed.  I knew what she had said already to be true, but HEARING her say it was a confirmation that I needed at that vary moment.
I have tons stories just like these I could share.
     When we feel understood by others, who truly know your heart to the depths of your soul, we feel more free to just be, to let it all hang out.  Its true that there may be times that we just don't care what people think, but I believe it to be true that we have a chosen few in our lives that we DO actually care what they think...its the people of your circle, your tribe, your squad...whatever you might call them. Its those who know and understand your heart at its deepest depths that allows and encourages us to grow to our fullest potential that God intends.
My closest dearest friends and family, those that know my heart  fully, who understand me and love me in all kinds of weather...my tribe...my squad.... still don't know my heart like its Maker.  Its not for lack of trying, but if you want to be understood, there is no better One to go to than that of God himself. As much as I know and love my best friends and family and I can see or sometimes God allows me to sense the hurt in them before I see them.....He still created their hearts...... it's He who understands every nook and cranny of the heart. 
Maybe you are feeling like you don't have anyone, or that nobody understands you and you feel alone.....still know this....NOTHING is hidden from Him, and He is not surprised by ANYTHING.
I find great relief and peace in that, because by Him understanding you, He also knows your every need,  every desire, your every tear, every fear,  as well as your every joy...etc........EVERYTHING.
Hebrews 4:13
Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.



Psalm 139:23
Search me, God, and know my heart;    test me and know my anxious thoughts

Whether in joy, mischief, or sorrow, the people closest to our heart may understand us, or we may understand them, and its good
for us to feel with other people in their life's situation. It's good for us to empathize with someone else in their pain. But we must remember that we mere human beings can only do that partially and imperfectly. Not so with God! Our God empathizes with us completely and perfectly. In all areas of life and in all situations of death, our Jesus faced them for us and gives us strength to face them with Him. Through Jesus our God says to us, "I know how you feel, I understand you"

Live Without Regret

     At 4:45 am this morning I was awoken with a friend on my mind.  Someone who is part of my heart with a, what I call, "grief anniversary" coming up tomorrow.  Its the anniversary of when they lost someone who was truly a part of their heart to death.  First, I was shocked that I would remember such a specific date, but then again it was also a shock to wake up and immediately think about it at 4:45 am, but that is God.  I've walked through plenty of significant and  types of loss in my life in various ways and I have seemed to remember dates of normal and wildly ridiculous things at times, but my heart is for people and God wired me this way.  Loss hurts...I don't care what kind of loss, or who you are....it's devastating.  After I finished praying about the above mentioned person who is remembering their own loss, I began thinking about how loss, different kinds of loss, changes people. 
When I look at my own life I've gone through seasons after loss.  I went through a season of tremendous fear.  A season so devastatingly fearful, that had not God intervened I may have had more loss to my life.  Not loss to death, but loss to relationships of various kinds.  Fear is something that can debilitate you if you don't get a hold of it.  I was afraid to lose people close to me again so I became controlling and afraid to try things.  It had a ripple effect on my family that can only add to the damage of loss itself.  I've since been delivered after strong Godly counsel, but once in awhile that same fear of the past will try and grip me with various things.  I'm a detailed planner.  Some of that comes from thinking things through out of protection at a normal motherly level and then a whole other element is in place due to the pain of loss that is added to that planning.  I'm always thinking about "what could go wrong?"  We have to learn to live our lives using full wisdom in decisions AND using our faith in God and His promises.  Fear tends to wipe all that out, trusting nobody but your own instincts, plans, motives etc... and that gets exhausting and its NOT living in the FREEDOM God intended, instead its a prison of your own making.  Living like that, with lack of trust, not only tends to push others away, either from their doing, or from a standpoint from our own doing because we fear of being hurt again.   We need to live life trusting His plan for our lives and following His direction, even when we don't understand - He still has us in the palm of His hand.   I've been blessed with Godly mentors that have shown me this and continue to remind me of this along the way.  Its a day to day battle of holding thoughts captive and determining their origin.  Fearful thoughts are not of God. (2 Timothy 1:7)
    I'm now in a season of gratitude - PRAISE THE LORD!!. 
I recognize what it is to have lost and all the things I wished I would have done, said etc....things I wished I could have done differently, but didn't.  Loss has filled me with a sense of embracing each moment and each person present in our lives.  To love so fiercely that to the normal naked eye...you seem like a weirdo.  I'm OK with that. 
   When my birthday was approaching my oldest daughter asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her that I didn't need anything, that I really had not given any thought about my birthday.  She commented to me about how sad she thought that was.  I told her that it wasn't sad at all because I am perfectly content with all that I have.  I feel incredibly blessed with all God has given me and the family and friends that I have.  I told her the best gift is when I get to hang out with those closest to my heart and simply enjoy having them in my life.  Its not the "things" to me that are valuable its the intangibles that are priceless to me - things that can't be bought or forced.
     As I lay in bed last night, knowing that I am having some of those closest to my heart over to be together today in my home, tears began to leak from my eyes - the happy kind.  I'm so incredibly thankful for them.  I began to thank God for each one of their presence in my life. They are family to me.  For their gifts of friendship that have consisted of love, loyalty and trust not only to me but to my family.  I'm thankful for each minute with them and I don't take it for granted.  Of the group, I am the "picture taker"...and I often get teased about it and its OK with me.  I purposefully capture times, even times that seems insignificant, on film because I am so incredibly thankful that I want to have those memories of those I love.  I'm just so thankful for those God has given me, and I don't want to miss a moment. 
I often hear people, after a loss, say..."don't take moments or anyone for granted."  I never REALLY understood that until it was me who had actually walked through it.  I don't think that a true level of full understanding is there until you can grasp the impact that loss can have, and then, even in some aspects, it may be too late.  After loss, regardless of the kind loss, you actually still get to choose how to live out the rest of your life.  You can't change what has happened in the past, but you get to choose moment by moment how you treat those who cross your path. Why wait until loss occurs?
I remember telling my best friend in a conversation one time;  "I never want to have regrets",  "I never want to look at my life ever again and wish I would have done or said more, so I do it now".  "I never want anyone to look at my life and wonder how I felt about them".
   I just want to encourage you to BE THE CHANGE.  Don't wait until its too late - decide to sit down and look at your life, even if for just that moment, and be thankful for what and who you have.  Tell people you love that you love them, and tell them why.  Hug people. Thank people. Smile at people.  Sure, some people wont get it and will talk about you, and that is OK but do it anyway.  Tell the truth and be transparent.  Live your life in such a way that people, even those who may not know you well, will associate you with His Love.  Not because you ran around shouting it, but because you simply walked your life transparently showing it.  Believe it or not, whether loss in your life has  even happened - you get a choice daily, as long as you are still breathing, on how you live it.  Be blessed.